- 10 tips for a better relationship
- Create an even better relationship
- Avoid adultery
- Prevent divorce
What is needed to create success in the relationship
Many people ask me what it takes to create a good relationship, how can you make the relationship better or what can you do to save and rebuild it. Unfortunately, there is no simple standard solution to this. If you could make such a solution, it would probably require you to put the couple relationship on an equation and cut all people over a comb.
Through experience from my couples therapy practice, however, as a couple therapist I see a number of relationships that repeat themselves in couples who thrive and are successful. Below I have gathered some of these experiences into ten points. Whether they work for you, I can’t know in advance. But you are welcome to let yourself be inspired.
1. Successful couples repair quickly and move on immediately
The successful couples are able to let go of the past so that they avoid it inappropriately defining their present and future relationship. It is not about forgiving and forgetting (forgive and forgotten), but forgiving and letting go (forgive and let go). They manage to talk things out, clear the air and solve the problems, so that they quickly move on and can focus on what they really want. One of the most important qualities in a relationship is being able to quickly repair communication, mistakes and the relationship. It includes i.a. that one takes responsibility for each one’s behavior and own share of the common problem/pattern/system, instead of accusing the other. We own what we can take responsibility for and what we own comes within our sphere of control and what is under our control we can immediately change. That is why responsibility and ownership are so important.
In addition, the good old Taoist virtues such as being reasonable and generous apply. The successful couples see themselves as a team and a system. They listen to each other and the intentions behind the actions and make room for both values, wishes and needs. These are practical things and skills that I, as a couples therapist, i.a. helps people with couples therapy. Part of my couple therapy practice also consists in finding ways to exploit or, if nothing else, to live with the differences as well as to ‘create agreement on what you disagree on’ and to move on even if some elements are ‘insoluble’. Sometimes part of the process is simply to have it said as well as to be ‘swept under the carpet’ and to have the skeletons ‘shaken out of the closet’.
2. Successful couples see the relationship as a guitar
Successful couples know how to create movement and flow in the ‘give’ and ‘take’ without playing shop. For most couples, ‘taking’ is surprisingly a bigger problem and, paradoxically, most couples I see as a couples therapist in couples therapy quickly get better as soon as they become a little more ‘selfish’ – in the sense that they dare to feel what they want, ask for it and then receive it. At the same time, it makes it easier for the other party to also allow themselves to take care of themselves, their self-regulation and their well-being.
Quite quickly, more enjoyment, flow and balance in giving and taking thus begins to emerge. It develops largeness, magnanimity and generosity. In this way, box thinking and the account of emotions quickly become redundant. Most people actually find it a great pleasure to ask for even a small service. Likewise, it is a joy for the party who is asked for the service, who often feels wanted, significant and potent, and is given the opportunity to clearly answer yes (or no), to do the service and obtain the pleasure they both experience from it. It becomes an act of love (act of love) for oneself as well as for the other and it helps to strengthen the bond. It can actually be a good and simple exercise for both parties to ask the other for a few favors each day.
3. To take and to give space
Successful couples make room for one to be extroverted, for example, while the other is perhaps a little more introverted. They also know that their preferences can change over time and in relation to different situations. One of them may sometimes need to be out a little more, while the other may occasionally need to withdraw a little – to recharge, find a nest, form meaning and to find inspiration or answers. Both mentally, emotionally, practically and socially. Even extroverts need to be inside once in a while, just as introverts can also need to be outside. The couples who seek couples therapy have often lacked respect for these relationships and have either pushed themselves and/or the other over the edge. And part of what has driven them so far is often the fear of losing or being discarded.
As a couples therapist, I help the parties to understand, acknowledge and accept each of their universes and to find practical solutions. Many times, through couple therapy, it is also a matter of understanding each other’s completely unique patterns and preferences without taking it as a personal offense. In this way, couple therapy opens up an insight into the differences that were previously perceived as a personal insult. Instead, they become a source of consciousness expansion. Both parties can benefit greatly from this.
4. They have learned to communicate and to have dialogic contact
Most couples who meet in my couples therapy practice know all about communication, but have no dialogue. They just take turns talking. It’s as if they both want to talk and listen at the same time without a common agenda. Often it ends up with two soliloquies because they are both trying to push their message through at the same time. Then it often happens that when one does not want to listen, the other does either. Then no one listens. There is thus also no contact, dialogue, exchange, understanding, recognition or acceptance. After this, most people are close to the trenches, the arguments and the mud-slinging.
As a couples therapist, I help many couples with communication in the initial stages of couples therapy. Then they get the opportunity to ask for what they really want, say what they really mean and actually solve their problems. Most importantly, it creates a platform for dialogic contact where the partners can share, exchange, support and challenge themselves and each other in how they really feel and feel. For most, that is the essence of love – to be seen, heard, taken seriously and included.
5. They know and use each other’s love language
When do you feel truly loved and appreciated? Is it when you hear ‘I love you’, when your partner touches you, when you get a gift, when your partner does you a favor or when your partner prioritizes quality time with you? At the beginning of falling in love, we typically send on all frequencies and all the time. Over time, we get into the habit of broadcasting on the frequency we prefer. For example, he is into touch and she is into gifts and words. He cannot understand that she has stopped daily caresses and no longer believes that she loves him. And he can’t understand that she keeps asking if he loves her and why she doesn’t get flowers. He gave her flowers and said he loved her when he proposed – he thinks! In couples therapy, I help the couple uncover and harmonize their love language. For many couples, it is downright revolutionary – like getting their ears and eyes back and falling in love again.
According to John Gottmann, successful couples also show respect, affection and empathy towards each other, while at the same time showing interest in what is happening in each other’s lives. They take every opportunity to make a positive remark. Partly because of the joy it gives and partly because it takes about five good comments to undo one bad one. Thus, they continuously put positive comments on the emotional account for the worse times – because no good relationship is without conflicts!
We live in many ways in an age with a big ego orientation and a society with a tank passer mentality. We are focused on our needs and what we must have. But the relationship is not like that. According to Boggs and Miller, successful couples are selfless. Many people think that the relationship is a 50/50 arrangement, but it is not. It is a 60/40 arrangement. You give 60 and then you only take 40. And that also applies to your partner. The poet Robert Browning put the secret behind the successful relationships to a point when he wrote something like – success in marriage is more than finding the right one; it’s about being the right one.
6. They do something active together, make each other laugh and can laugh at themselves
It is very rewarding to do something practical together. Next no matter what and even better if it doesn’t require the intellect. Preferably something physical that leads to contact, learning, play and laughter. Laughing heals and connects us. When we laugh together, we heal ourselves, each other and the relationship. When we play together, a lot of exchange occurs on many different levels and we learn about ourselves and each other through this, the missteps that occur and the dialogue we have – before, during and after. In addition, it also contributes to shared memories, history, culture, learning and growth. It can be anything from going for a bike ride, playing a game or a pillow fight. It can also be practical and domestic things – as long as you do them together and not separately! It can also be an interest that captures one and then contributes to the growth and development of the other. Or it could be that you start going to a course, evening school or education together.
Successful couples never stop dating either! They continue to fan the flames, create romantic moments and regularly go on wheat bread days together. It all creates stronger emotional bonds and a deeper love. As a couples therapist, I meet many couples in couples therapy who have completely forgotten to do anything together and almost live two parallel lives. They each have their own work, leisure interests and friends, as well as their own roles, responsibilities, tasks and life at home. It is of course efficient and perhaps even necessary to have two jobs, children and a house, but many quickly feel lonely in their relationship. Some drift even further apart or compensate by e.g. overtime, internet, gambling, sugar, alcohol or adultery. Others, for example, seek couples therapy to rediscover each other, their feelings and a new life together.
7. They drop the false hopes and expectations for each other
One of the biggest challenges in a relationship is mind reading. Either the partners try to guess or they think they know each other so well that they know what each other thinks, believes, hopes, wants and fears. Some feel guilt and shame by asking for what they want and thus find it difficult to get it said and to ask for what they really long for. Others are trapped in a completely natural and romantic dream that the other person should be able to see into them and read their longings.
Very few succeeded with x-rays and mind reading and many of these couples live disappointed and frustrated in silence, as prisoners of hope. As a couples therapist, I help the couple through couple therapy to, among other things, to listen to one’s own and each other’s assumptions and built-in assumptions, as well as to speak out, ask questions and make corrections.
8. They don’t blame their partner when things go wrong
When things go wrong, it is human to look at the partner and the outside world to find the cause – the mistake. However, it helps very little and usually only leads to assessment and criticism, which then leads to defense and counterattack. Many have tried in vain to change their partner – it doesn’t help. If you want to quickly have a better relationship, the easiest thing to do is to change yourself. Of course, you don’t have to take the blame for everything or solve all the problems alone.
As a couples therapist, I help the couple through couple therapy to see their process – how you create, maintain and maintain your problems, as well as what each of your shares is in it and what each of you can do individually. Some of the questions I help the partners ask themselves and each other are: What can I do in this situation right now to get more of what I want and less of what I don’t want? What are my options, resources and leverage? And what can I do right now to break the system/pattern so I can start feeling a little better? What have I already done? What can I do next? And next? And next? It may sound challenging and most people grow and enjoy it very quickly.
9. Successful couples expect the good
The successful couples are conscious of their focus. They don’t try to close their eyes to the negative, but by letting the energy go where their focus is. They focus more on what goes well, what works and what they want, hope and dream about.
As a couples therapist, I help them to create a realistic balance in their focus, so that they can ask the right questions, learn from the past, book their good memories for difficult times, focus on the good in the present and the wishes for the future, and to create even more of what they dream about. If nothing else, it creates a good state and the better state we are in, the better results we can create. In this way, it becomes a self-reinforcing spiral, with which in couple therapy I, among other things, helps the couple to become their own couples therapist.
10. Successful couples are committed
Successful couples have made a commitment to themselves, each other and the relationship. Their perspective is long-term and they stand through the long haul with the challenges, learnings and joys it brings. As basketball coach Pat Riley also says, there are really only two options when it comes to commitment – you’re either in or out…on or off! For successful couples, nothing exists between these two poles. The successful couples have made a decision and are well aware that there is always ambivalence and that things go up and down over time. Successful couples don’t just try and make promises, they’re committed! They are happy together, because they live up to their promises – through thick and thin. They know that they can count on the other to be there and they can trust the other, even in difficult times and when emotions are down. Precisely because they have committed themselves to and to each other.
Lack of commitment also becomes evident in couples therapy, the process, daily life, the relationship and communication. They swing in and out between half-attempts and talk with wool in their mouths. Committed couples don’t try, they do. You can, for example, clearly hear it in the language. They never say ‘man’ or ‘we’, but are clear with ‘I’ or ‘you’. Words like ‘trying’, ‘promising’ and ‘doing my best’ turn into ‘yes’ or ‘no’, ‘it’s a deal’ and ‘I do’… A ‘yes’ turns into a ‘burning yes’ and a no is a ‘qualified no’. Answers you can understand, relate to and trust.
If there is a lack of commitment in the relationship, it also shows up very clearly in the couples therapy and the process. The couple who have difficulty with commitment typically also have difficulty with commitment to couples therapy. They are first in and then out, try a little, come and go… sometimes briefly and intensely. They find that the couples therapy works and that it starts to go well, but then they stop and don’t quite get to the bottom of what is important. Then relapses may occur and then most come back. Others get divorced. Two steps forward and one step back or one step forward and two steps back.
It becomes like half-hearted and half-hearted attempts at the same time as the process fluctuates up and down. In between, one withdraws and then the other experiences rejection/failure, after which they come into contact with their attachment themes, which then sets a new process in motion. Or the other expresses his doubts and fluctuations in relation to thoughts and feelings incl. doubts and fluctuations about commitment. This then sets another process in motion.
It is a natural part of couple therapy and the couple’s process, where I support the couple in what they stand for in the current situation and what they bring to the market in couple therapy. It is also not wrong to have and to react like that, but completely natural and human. It simply presents certain challenges for the couple when they do not wholeheartedly commit to the relationship and couples therapy. As a couples therapist, I therefore offer couples who need support for commitment to couple therapy both process support and various practical options. One possibility is i.a. to buy a clip card. Many couples are happy about it. Partly they obtain a discount and partly they experience that their commitment to couples therapy makes the process more stable and thorough and helps them to achieve even greater benefits.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
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