- Opposites meet in the relationship
- Introvert versus extrovert
- Understanding and acceptance rather than assessment and judgment
- MBTI and couples therapy
- MBTI as the compass of love
- How do we navigate the couple relationship with MBTI
Differences, acceptance and understanding in the relationship
Love from a place of understanding and acceptance, rather than judgment.
I recently attended an exciting lecture at the Jungforeningen on Jung’s typology. What most people know as MBTI/JTI. A tool I have worked with since 1999 and still use diligently as a couples therapist in couple therapy. Read more below about how and how to get a free test.
Opposites meet in the relationship
We all know it and I see it every day in couples therapy. We are attracted by opposites and after falling in love, some of the fascinations often turn into irritation. Some handle it immediately themselves or later through couples therapy. Others close their eyes and may suffer – and over time it becomes almost unbearable for many. It’s not just about the toothpaste tube and the toilet paper, but our personal profile, the personal preferences and the way we perceive, evaluate, think, feel, speak and act. About how we can fall into the trap of assessing and judging each other in the relationship, instead of finding insight, understanding and acceptance.
Personal imbalance and imbalance in the relationship
It is probably not only in the relationship that there is imbalance and the only place where you suffer. Because if you as a person have problems bringing your personality profile into balance, it creates stress, dissatisfaction and problems with mentalisation (perspective, self-insight, human insight and empathy) and the psychological state (our physical, mental and emotional state at the moment). We simply risk ending up in a poor resource situation if there is no match between the person’s profile and the situation, the outside world, the culture, the tasks and the challenges. Then we end up working overtime as well as abusing, selling out, compromising and wearing ourselves out. When it comes down to it, you risk getting stress, stress reactions, anxiety, depression and burnout.
The job as the relationship
Many thus burn out both at work and in their relationship. Others burn out in one of the places and then do not perform or thrive in the other either – and ultimately end up burning out in both places. Some correct it or realize that they can use their insights and resources from one area of life, e.g. work, as leverage in another area of life, such as the relationship – if that means that the partner incl. the system and the dynamics are made aware and manage to cooperate. Conversely, the next is impossible – if the dysfunctions in the relationship, the family and at work oppose (typically unconsciously) the individual’s profile and self-regulation.
One of the big challenges in the relationship is often to bring balance between the extrovert and the introvert. Susan Cain has written a book (see below) about this and how it is, for example, to be an introvert in an extroverted society…relationships etc. In relation to MBTI/JTI, it is one of the four overall challenges in the relationship. There are typically three more, which gives a total of eight different preferences.
The eight preferences
In the following examples, the letters in brackets represent the different preferences in the MBTI test – you can read more about the MBTI at the bottom.
I – E
So, for example, there are some couples where one is Introverted (I) and the other Extroverted (E) – few Ambiverts (mixed). This is typically reflected in how much one can and the other wants to be – out, social, seeing guests, networking or being active with family, friends and extroverted leisure interests.
S – N
Other pairs fight over their preferences for Sensing (S) and Intuition (N). This often shows in their level of abstraction (detailing grass) during discussions and problem solving, where one may be very specific and the other more general at the same time as one has a focus on details/the concrete/what happened/the practical and the other has a focus on wholes/the broad lines/the future/the possibilities.
T – F
A classic is of course also that one is more Thinking (T) and the other more Feeling (F). When they then discuss, many find that they are not heard at all and that they talk past each other. Or that the Thinker thinks the Feeler is choleric (emotional) and the Feeler thinks the Thinker is cold (logical).
P-J
However, the biggest challenge is typically if one is very Perceiving (P = Perceiving) and the other is more Judging (J = Judging). That is open/spontaneous/flexible/unstructured/initial or planning/closing/structured/targeted/closing respectively. Where the Appraiser can be perceived as a critical, rigid and inflexible person who always wears a belt and braces, the Perceiver can give the impression of being a frivolous mess who always starts new projects and never finishes his tasks on time.
The eight cognitive functions
It is not just the above eight preferences that come into play. It is also how we connect the preferences and bring them into play. This is also what is called the eight mental processes or the eight cognitive functions.
There are therefore a total of eight overall preferences and eight cognitive functions to keep track of. Here it becomes a little more complex and it typically requires a deeper professional insight and special tools. It is not just about eight functions, but about eight functions in different orders, which are dependent on the specific score in the MBTI profile. It is typically here that the couples therapist, with the help of his tools, can help you to a deeper insight and self-insight – if you are ready and want it.
Below, therefore, only short examples of the eight functions on the first level, to give a small picture of what it is all about:
If the partner is, for example, Extroverted Sensing (See), then the partner is probably very concerned with
experiencing, engaging and reacting to what is happening in the environment.
If, for example, the partner is Introverted Sensing (Si), then the partner is probably very concerned with
verifying, sequencing/understanding the sequences and reliving/going through the past.
If the partner is, for example, Extroverted Intuitive (Ne), then the partner is probably very concerned with
imagining/thinking about, improving and creating the future.
If, for example, the partner is Introverted Intuitive (Ni), then the partner is probably very concerned with
anticipating, summarizing and understanding the significant.
If, for example, the partner is an Extroverted Thinker (Te), then the partner is probably very concerned with
planning, execution and regulation using logic.
If the partner is, for example, an Introverted Thinker (Ti), then the partner is probably very concerned with
understanding, naming/naming and defining with precision.
If, for example, the partner is Extroverted Feeling (Fe), then the partner is probably very concerned with
confirming/assuring, validating and connecting/connecting/joining in harmony/harmoniously.
If, for example, the partner is Introverted Feeling (Fi), then the partner is probably very concerned with liking/like, not liking/not liking and deciding what is important.
Jung’s typology in couple therapy
Here as above, MBTI/JTI is a great help for many couples, to quickly create insight, understanding and acceptance of what they experience and go through as a couple. Through couples therapy, you can simultaneously work on turning stumbling blocks into stepping stones, so that you complement each other instead of arguing and warring with each other. If you would like a free test in Danish or English that can uncover your MBTI preferences or a consultation in couple therapy regarding your differences and challenges, you are welcome to contact me via the website: www.parterapi-parterapeut.dk
My experience with MBTI as a couples therapist
As a couples therapist, psychotherapist and coach, since 1999 I have worked with Jung’s typology in business and private life – i.e. what is colloquially known as MBTI/JTI. An incredibly powerful tool for quickly uploading self-insight and human insight (in the partner, family, friends, colleagues…) as well as a completely new language model, with which you can subsequently articulate your differences and work to bring them into balance. Since 1999, I have used the MBTI in connection with relationships, communication, collaboration, management, teams, partnerships – and not least in couple therapy. Many couples seek couples therapy precisely because they find it difficult to accommodate, deal with and balance their differences.
Additional Information
Below you will find a link to Susan Cain’s book in Danish (Ro) and English (Quiet), a link to her video on Ted Talk, an article on Information and links to explanations about MBTI:
Ro: www.plusbog.dk/ro-susan-cain-9788793166677/?gclid=CJ6blP-l7scCFUaeGwod34sIyw
Quiet: www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Susan Cain at TED: www. ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts?language=da
So can we calm down: www.information.dk/313973
MBTI Short intro: http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator
MBTI Extended explanation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers–Briggs_Type_Indicator
MBTI The 18 types incl. the cognitive functions: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:MBTI_types
MBTI Test in Danish: www.jobindex.dk/persontypetest
MBTI Test in English: www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
DISC Test in English: www.123test.com/disc-personality-test/
DISC Short intro: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DISC_assessment
DISC Extended explanation: www.erhvervscoach.com/personprofil/disc.html
Consultation in couples therapy
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk .
Or book a consultation appointment for a couple check-up, couple therapy or couple counseling on tel. 6166 1900.
Tips for the relationship and love
Tips for the relationship and love
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