- How to be happy?
- How to have a good and happy relationship?
- What can you do yourself to create your own sense of happiness?
- How can gratitude, verbalization, decisions and closeness create happiness?
The hamster wheel
As a psychotherapist and couple therapist at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen, I see far too many clients who have lost themselves in the relationship and the hamster wheel. The happiness of many has come to depend on the partner and the partner’s happiness or the career and the material goods.
Pride can be good for the brain’s reward center, but a life in the hamster wheel and a superficial relationship with oneself and the partner can be stressful for the relationship. At the same time, bad relationships, a bad relationship and relationship problems are a sure recipe for unhappiness. It is thus not without reason that process-oriented and relational coaching and psychological treatment in the form of couple therapy, sexological conversation therapy, imagotherapy and family therapy are some of the most effective forms of treatment.
Freedom, responsibility and happiness
With the great existential freedom, we have also been given a great responsibility for our own happiness. And with the many possibilities, we can’t help but be happy. So when we are not happy all the time, it can hardly be without guilt, shame and sadness. At the same time, many people live in a stressful everyday life with many uncontrollable and uncertain factors that give rise to worry and anxiety. As you know, stress and anxiety do not make you happy either. Stress, anxiety, guilt, shame, grief and low self-esteem are thus often pervasive topics in psychotherapy and couples therapy.
You can hardly ask a friend how he is doing without being told that he is stressed. It has become a trend. Not just culturally, but also because guilt and shame actually activate the reward systems in the brain and in the short term give a kind of false sense of happiness.
The same applies to worry and anxiety. Not in itself. But by worrying we can trick the brain into thinking we are doing something about things. Mentally, that is – by at least telling ourselves that we are thinking about the problems and worrying. Many also immediately experience an improvement the moment they call to book psychotherapy or couples therapy.
Four tips for happiness and a better relationship
Psychotherapy and couple therapy support you in navigating this field by finding your own answers, so that you can create the relationship and state of happiness you desire. However, there are also practical do-it-yourself tips for happiness – which work. For example, if you were to boil down 2,500 years of Eastern philosophy, it could be said in three words – appreciation (gratitude), compassion (love) and meditation (mindfulness).
It is now backed up by brain research. Based on the work of UCLA neuroscientist Alex Korp, there are four sure paths to happiness. They are reviewed below, supplemented with practical tips and exercises. I myself have used the four tips and also have positive evidence for the four tips through psychotherapy, sexology, imagotherapy and family therapy. Does it sound too simple? Try it yourself.
Gratitude
With gratitude, we can both create a greater sense of happiness and reduce our anxiety. By being grateful, we technically boost the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin. And by being grateful to others incl. the partner, we boost the activity in the social dopamine circuit. By both feeling, radiating and showing this gratitude towards the outside world, others and the partner, a contagious effect occurs which creates a self-reinforcing positive spiral.
That is why recognition, appreciation and gratitude are an important element in the couple’s relationship and couple’s therapy. The 3-A’s are also called: Attention, affection and appreciation. The 3-A’s are also the three main ways to prevent adultery.
Do the exercise yourself
Write down ten things you are grateful for in your life and relationship. Or make a mental note of one thing you can be happy and grateful for before you go to sleep at night. Or stop once in a while, especially if you’re feeling bad, and ask yourself what you can be grateful for right now. Big or small, it makes no difference.
In fact, research shows that it doesn’t matter whether you can find something to be grateful for or not. The scanning and searching process itself has a positive neurological and physical effect. Simply reminding yourself to scan for gratitude has a self-reinforcing effect while also strengthening emotional intelligence. All it requires is a little practice and patience. And at the same time it is free psychotherapy and couples therapy – if you do it together in the relationship.
Put words to the negative feelings
It sounds like an old trot from the psychologist, putting words to the negative feelings. But neuropsychology and evidence from psychotherapy / couples therapy prove again that it works. On the other hand, most people already know that suppressing negative emotions does not help. It typically only backfires. As you know it, for example, from repressed anger and sadness, which often later only appear as diffuse physical symptoms, anxiety or depression.
Do the exercise yourself. If you are attacked by negative emotions or if you walk around with diffuse dissatisfaction, frustration or discomfort, sit down and scan your body and yourself mentally. Feel your body from head to toe. Listen to your thoughts and feel your feelings. As they begin to take shape, put words to the feelings without analyzing, evaluating or judging them. And even better, see if you can find a label, symbol, image or metaphor for your feelings. Then try to alternate a little between the feeling and your label. Ask yourself why you feel this way right now? And what is it you want? It just requires a little time and practice. At the same time, psychotherapy and couples therapy are completely free – if you do it together in a relationship, for example.
Make decisions
Decision making reduces both discomfort and stress while solving the problems. It creates purposefulness, momentum and a track record that you can be proud of and happy about. In this way, you use your brain constructively and efficiently while reducing your worry and anxiety.
As you make decisions, you also change your view of the world and yourself. You get an experience of greater influence and control. Then good things happen in your life, no longer just by chance. By now making the decisions yourself, you also get more desire and it is desire that drives the work. Otherwise, it will be like the training center – something you should or should and therefore don’t bother. It is therefore pleasing both ways. We not only choose the things we like, we also come to love the things we choose ourselves. But beyond that, there is one more pitfall. Most people tend to think that they have to make the best decision. The best decision is rarely found and costs far too much energy and thought (worry).
Many thus end up being overwhelmed and paralyzed. The good-enough decision is often good enough, at the same time you move on, gain more control and learn along the way from your decisions – which you can continually optimize. Perfectionism is often a theme in couples therapy, but don’t let it get there. As they say – the best is often the worst enemy of the good.
Do the exercise yourself. Take point 2 as a starting point and find a focus. Or start with something that is easy, urgent and gives good results. When you are focused on your problem area, challenge or task, select one to three decisions you want to make that day and immediately put them into practice. See the results, evaluate, acknowledge and praise yourself – for anything – the decision, the effort, the actions, the process, the results, the experience… use the gratitude. Even if the sea could have been better.
It’s just feedback, take it as a learning experience. And remember that everyone is allowed to make a mistake and learn from it. If, on the other hand, it is a big decision that you are hesitating about, then sleep on it. Use the exercise in section 2 to feel how your decision feels the next day before you put it into practice. It really just requires a little practice and discipline, but your coach, psychotherapist or couples therapist can also help you. In that case, your preparatory work is not wasted, but free psychotherapy / couples therapy.
Touch
Proximity and touch are completely underrated. Touch first of all triggers oxytocin, then and in the process typically also serotonin and dopamine at the same time as the short sun level is reduced. Everything is good for us, the well-being and the feeling of happiness. Many other benefits have been documented. Ranging from better mathematical skills to better sleep and pain reduction.
Relationships, closeness and touch are, on the whole, crucial for the brain and the feeling of happiness, as well as stress management in general. Research and evidence from psychotherapy / couples therapy shows, for example, that five hugs a day for four weeks creates a big-time feeling of happiness. But in everyday life it can also be just a handshake or a pat on the back. With your partner, you can also hold hands, sit on your arm or lie in your lap. Sex is also good, but the touch doesn’t always have to be sexual. In principle, proximity can also be achieved through a telephone conversation or with a pet. But SMS just doesn’t work – not here either.
Do the exercise yourself. Using point 2, notice how you feel and what you miss as well as how and how often you want closeness and the touch. Try your hand and check with the help of point. 2. If you have a partner, send this article to your partner. Talk about it and find your values, needs and boundaries. It can be difficult sometimes. Especially if you don’t quite agree along the way, have to reject each other and get into your rejection themes and attachment themes. That’s ok, but then call and book a consultation in couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis there is an opportunity and a learning.
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