First aid for the relationship > Warning lights > 6 tips for the relationship
- Can you predict divorce?
- What are the biggest reasons and most frequent causes of divorce?
- How to quickly remedy critical relationship problems?
- How do you avoid and prevent problems in the relationship?
- What are John Gottman’s theories in relation to love and couples therapy?
- Hvad er The Masters and Disasters of Relationships?
- What Are the Most Common Divorce Predictors?
- Hvad er The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?
Free toolbox for the relationship in couples therapy
Below you will find the four factors that, together with a predominance of negativity and inadequate attempts at repair, can predict divorce with 90% if couples therapy is not used.
The six warning lights can be used both preventively and therapeutically in relation to your couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk as well as your own process at home.
This toolbox is also the first chapter in the eBook, which you get for free on the journey at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk’s Concept in couple therapy or by purchasing a Couple check.
The Four Apocalyptic Horsemen / The Four Divorce Indicators
According to Dr. John Mordechai Gottman, there are four things to avoid in a relationship:
- Criticism (going after the man rather than the ball)
- Contempt (disparagement and disrespect)
- Defense (evasions and counterattacks)
- The wall (hard knots, rejection and silence)
John Gottman goes so far as to call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and the four divorce predictors.
In John Gottman’s research, two questions are generally asked: 1) What makes a satisfying marriage? 2) What are the indicators of divorce? This has resulted in the four points.
Every relationship can occasionally experience some of the above factors, but with a preponderance of negative experiences and feelings (Negative Sentiment Override / NSO) and a lack of effective repair attempts (Repair Attempts), John Gottman believes that there are approx. 90% probability of divorce. As a couple therapist, I see similar evidence in my own couple therapy practice, where I typically use the divorce indicators as warning lights for unhealthiness and dysfunction in the couple relationship in connection with couple therapy.
Unfortunately, it is often the case that if there is a minus on the emotional account or there is a dent in the varnish of the relationship, it typically takes five pluses on the account before it goes to zero again. If the account has first gone into the red (Negative Sentiment Override / NSO), it is about stopping the accident and preventing the deficit from increasing further, as well as providing life-saving first aid to the relationship. At the same time, intensive work must be done to create a profit (Positive Sentiment Override / PSO). Surplus is important, because the larger the surplus, the more there is to stand up against during difficult times while at the same time providing more opportunities, greater well-being, tolerance and flexibility.[/fusion_text][fusion_text columns=”” column_min_width=”” column_spacing=”” rule_style=”default” rule_size=”” rule_color=”” class=”” id=””]My experience as a couples therapist is that you can see the four factors as a barometer. Because they typically appear in the order listed above. Based on experience from my own couples therapy practice, I have therefore described Gottman’s four factors, based on the model: 1) What does the problem consist of? and 2) What is the antidote? The barometer can thus be used, as a follow-up to a couple check, during courses in couple therapy and to target efforts to save the couple relationship.
From experience from my own practice in couple therapy, I can say that the tools work and that it is never too late to save the relationship, the marriage and the family, if you are just committed to the process and ready, focused and hardworking. As a couples therapist, it is my motto that it is action that creates transformation.
criticism
The problem:
Criticism often stems from a commitment to and an overfocusing on the negative, what is missing and what does not work as well as the other person’s faults. Inappropriate criticism is about personal criticism and blaming, incl. accusations, regrets and blame in you language (the you-you game and projections), generalizations such as You…never and You…always and character assassination (behaviour that is generalized and made into a personality trait or a diagnosis).
For some it can be a character trait to be critical and for others it is to be appreciative. Couples often find themselves together where one is critical and the other appreciative. It can be a good dynamic, but difficult when both are critical. Conversely, if both are appreciative, it can be difficult to confront the issues.
The antidote:
Don’t get it wrong. There is nothing wrong with feedback and loving, constructive and specific criticism that focuses on the behavior instead of the person. It is vital for a good relationship. It’s about going after the ball and not the man, as well as listening, acknowledging and sharing responsibility – making a distribution of responsibility, where you each take your share of the responsibility.
An essential antidote is to strengthen the focus on the positive, what is and what is already working, as well as to strengthen recognition and gratitude. The resources and opportunities. In couple therapy, we train, among other things, feedback models, problem formulation, communication, positive reformulation, expression of wishes, bracketing (bracketing and accommodating), listening, attention, affect regulation, mentalizing, questioning technique, matching expectations, negotiation, decision-making and recognizing dialogue.
Contempt
The problem:
Contempt is often seen in connection with criticism and is typically expressed through words, physiology, body language or action. Some of the classic examples I often see in couple therapy are e.g. inverted pedestals, superiority, assertiveness, one up, cynicism, sarcasm, put-downs, belittlement, disrespect, insults, mockery, ridicule, ridicule, condemnations, box thinking, judgments, diagnoses, naming, name-calling, blaming, eye-rolling, snarling and disgust.
The problem with contempt is that it is often unconscious and typically leads to disgust – and with disgust it is almost impossible to communicate and to solve problems. So contempt often just leads to even more conflict than reconciliation. A particular face of contempt is, of course, belligerence. Belligerence typically also has an aspect of competition, provocation or threat (opposite consequence).
The antidote:
Contempt often stems from dormant negative thoughts and dissatisfaction around the partner. Something subdued and unfinished. Therefore examine the thoughts and the underlying desires so that they can be turned into something concrete and operational that can be expressed, confirmed/disconfirmed and acted upon.
The essential antidote is ultimately spaciousness, tolerance, largeness and recognition. Remind yourselves that you are a couple and that deep down you love each other. Or that at least you once loved each other and at least more than you do today. That you are loving and vulnerable people and not enemies or monsters. Consider that you are a team and in the same boat. And deep down both are looking for love.
Try to look and speak to each other like statesmen. Try to find the reach button and press it, instead of getting carried away or giving back if it has come to belligerence. It can also help to see the partner as a wounded being in a poor resourceful state, instead of focusing on the anger and condescension.
Defense
The problem:
Criticism and contempt typically lead to (self) defense. Defense often manifests itself as unconstructive and defensive (conscious and unconscious) behavior and communication in relation to criticism (including accusations and attacks) and contempt. It can be real criticism or perceived criticism. Depending on how sensitive and vulnerable you are to criticism.
Defenses typically appear in the form of explanations, justifications, ratifications, excuses, evasions, denials, counter-questions, acute problems hearing, temporary memory lapses, selective memory, sudden lack of understanding / cognitive abilities, crying, crying, tantrums, tantrums, hysteria and (counter) attack incl. (self) righteous indignation, victim/helper/offender roles (Karpman’s Drama Triangle) as well as roles as top/underdog and the innocent victim or the ignorant aggressor.
Strictly speaking, a defense is a way in which we avoid taking responsibility – and whose fault is it then? It wasn’t me – quickly becomes who was it then – which then becomes it was you. So regardless of whether the defense (consciously or unconsciously) is meant as a reproach or a date by the partner, it will typically be perceived as such. So in discussions, a defense effectively takes on the function of an attack or counterattack. This is also why the discussions escalate and become endless when one of the parties defends himself. In practice, it corresponds to the negative spiral around the endless why-because discussions. So the more one explains and defends himself, the more and the harder the other pushes on with his questions or criticism and contempt.
The antidote:
Instead, listen to your partner’s criticism (not least to the words themselves as well as the feelings and desire behind them), take your share of responsibility (for your behavior and communication), acknowledge your partner and ask what your partner wants from you instead.
Conversely, if you notice that your partner is defending himself, think about it, listen, ask how it could be that your partner needs it. At the same time, learn more about what it was in your communication that made it sound like criticism, accusation, attack or contempt. Then you both become wiser and can counteract it in the future.
Sometimes a defense can also be a skewed attempt to explain the positive intent or values behind the criticized behavior or prioritization. It can be tempting, but it’s better not to. Because at first it will only sound and function as a defense. So wait until you have learned new and more advanced language patterns and techniques in couple therapy.
Walls
The problem:
Rough start to the discussions incl. criticism and contempt, typically leads to defense (the first three of the apocalyptic horsemen) – which then leads to even more contempt and defense. No one can hold out for long and in the end one of the parties puts up the Wall (the last defense and the last of the four apocalyptic horsemen) – before you become more permanently overwhelmed by the clashes and the repetitive negative atmosphere (Negative Sentiment Override / NSO). This is what Gottman calls Stonewalling and what I call the Wall or Hard Knots.
The defense can be psychological (emotional and/or mental withdrawal including temporarily shutting off communication, senses and emotions or focusing on something completely different) or physical (you go away, work overtime, come home late, allow yourself to be absorbed in leisure interests , goes to bed at different times, disappears into the screen…). It can also be exemplified by the cold shoulder, the deep silence or the great distance. For some couples, this amounts to several days of distance, silence, coldness and suffering.
Stonewalling also includes overload, overflow, monotonous repetitions of utterances, mumbling, sparing or vague answers, counter-questions, outright refusal to answer questions, communication breakdowns, topic changes, shielding (deflection) as well as attempts at self-soothing, self-restraint, self-control, self-diversion, self-anesthetization and self-medication (food, sugar, TV, games, PC, mobile, tablet, alcohol, medicine, sex, adultery…).
The antidote:
The antidote consists of self-insight, insight into the partner and calibration of the signs for the wall as well as time-out and resumption of listening, dialogue, mentalisation, gratitude and recognition.
In short, couple therapy here is about clarification of needs, insight, equality, mutual strengthening of the balance of power and boundary setting; on avoiding overload and finding effective repair attempts/methods (repair attempts); to find temporary solutions right when it happens and to develop more long-term strategies for interaction in difficult situations.
Just when the parties are in the middle of it, couples therapy can be about impulse and self-control (counting to ten / reaching the button), stress and harm reduction. In the longer term, it can be about clarifying values, norms, interaction and communication.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis there is an opportunity and a learning.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen helps turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
Submit the relationship for a Couple check
If you are interested in knowing more and learning more about your relationship, you are welcome to book a couple check. Here you also get the specially developed relationship test as well as the eBook, of which the above is an extract. Read more about Par check. The tools are also part of Koncept for couple therapy.
Consultation in couples therapy
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk.
Or book a consultation appointment for couple therapy on tel. 6166 1900.
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