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Kasper Larsen, cert. coach and exam. psychotherapist cert. with a specialty in couple therapy Post-graduate training as a sexologist, family therapist, alcohol therapist, mentor, supervisor and consultant. Specialization in problem solving, communication, relationships, relationships, cohabitation, sex life and infidelity. 25 years of experience with relational and psychological crisis, grief, development and change processes
Read more about psychotherapy and couple therapy in Copenhagen Valby at www.parterapi-parterapeut.dkCommunication, giraffe language, relationships and couples therapy
Psychological communication > Self-regulation and assertion > Giraffe language
- What is giraffe language and wolf language?
- How do I get to say what I want and want in a respectful way?
- How can you express yourself assertively in a short and simple form?
- What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
- Communication psychology, constructive communication and couple therapy
- Conflict management and conflict de-escalation versus conflict escalation
- Hard Nodules and Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)
- Relationships, change-making dialogue, self-regulation, attachment and love
Free toolbox for communication in the relationship and in couples therapy
Below are 4 tips for self-regulating and change-making communication in the relationship. The 4 tools can be used both in your couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk and in your own process at home.Giraffe language and non-violent communication
Below you will find the 3 cornerstones and 4 factors for change-making and non-violent communication that can save, secure and develop the relationship as well as strengthen constructive dialogue and self-regulation in an assertive way.Why is it called giraffe language and wolf language?
The giraffe and the wolf are symbols of two diametrically opposed forms of communication and ways of being in a relationship and a couple. The herbivorous giraffe (the giraffe), with its long neck and big heart, is a symbol of non-violence, long-suffering, overview, concrete observations, empathy, dialogue and coexistence. The carnivorous wolf (the jackal) is, conversely, a symbol of aggression, impatience, assessment, criticism, judgment, accusation, demand and dominance. The symbols come from English, where it is also called ‘giraffe language’ and ‘jackal language’.What is giraffe language?
Giraffe language is a simple and effective method for conscious and empathetic communication and conflict resolution.
As part of couple therapy, giraffe language not only helps to create a better relationship and a more vibrant couple relationship. Giraffe language also helps you to fulfill your needs in understanding and respect for each other. It is also called self-regulation in couple therapy. In other words, regulating oneself – one’s feelings, desires and needs in the relationship and cohabitation with the partner. In a way that both can be there and be catered for. Without offending the partner or oneself.
Giraffe speech is thus an essential tool in couple therapy. Partly to establish responsiveness, interest and recognition and partly to create dialogue, opportunities and problem solving. Simply by using the giraffe language in couple therapy, a positive atmosphere, more respect and a greater sense of togetherness quickly arise. With the mutual curiosity and understanding, it is often as if many of the problems disappear like dew before the sun. If this is combined with just a little smack of goodwill, curiosity and initiative, a positive spiral is quickly created through couple therapy. As a couples therapist, I see again and again couples who are completely stuck in stubborn knots and negative states (Negative Sentiment Override / NSO), who are surprised by how little it actually takes to reverse the negative spiral. See also previous blog posts about the seven golden rules for two people living together.
If you are action-oriented and goal-oriented, you can quickly create significant change in the relationship. Just imagine that you both put a conscious focus on the relationship and each made a concrete change once a week, then in three months you will have made 24 changes. It will revolutionize most couples and make couple therapy redundant – which is really the goal of Parterapi-parterapeut.dk. That you become self-driving as soon as possible. That is why Parterapi-parterapeut.dk also works based on an effective concept with six consultations in process-oriented couple therapy. But the first step is communication – and precisely through giraffe language, you can quickly create empathy and understanding in a simple way through couple therapy. At the same time that you thereby strengthen the relationship and become better at expressing what you want and creating it.So what is wolf language?
Wolf language is the opposite of giraffe language. Wolf Language is powered by the Dr. John Mordechai Gottman calls the four apocalyptic horsemen.
- Criticism (the man rather than the ball)
- Contempt (disparagement and disrespect)
- Defense (evasion and counterattack)
- The wall (rejection and silence)
The wolf language is based on:
- That one does not pick up on the partner’s wishes
- That you don’t express your wishes yourself
- That you hear criticism, accusations and threats
- That you see mistakes and shortcomings that can be targeted and attacked
- That one listens for the negative in the partner’s communication
- That one does not observe neutrally, but assesses, judges and accuses
- That you react instinctively (with the autopilot) to your own feelings
- That one does not/only when the partner expresses his/her own feelings
- That you primarily hear the other make demands, ultimatums and orders
- That you don’t make suggestions/ask for/make wishes and ideas yourself
Wolf language results in:
- Resistance, conflict escalation and senseless arguments (bloodbath)
- Quick and rough start to the arguments (short fuse and explosions)
- Overwhelming (being overwhelmed and pushing away/withdrawing)
- Negative physiology (crisis preparedness, stress, tunnel vision and limited thinking)
- An overwhelmingly negative and hopeless mood (Negative Sentiment Override / NSO)
The three cornerstones of giraffe language
Giraffe language is based on three conditions for non-violent communication (IVK/NVC):
1) Self-empathy:
A compassionate awareness of one’s own inner universe (experiences and experiences).
2) Empathy:
Understanding (and sharing) an emotion expressed by another human being (the partner).
3) Self-expression:
Expressing oneself in an authentic way that arouses compassion (in the partner).
Giraffe disclaimer is also based on the fact that we all have a basic capacity for compassion and that we only resort to violence or violent communication and behavior that can harm others when we fail to create awareness around more effective strategies to get our needs met. Any conflictual and violent thought, speech and behavior patterns are exclusively learned through culture.
The theories behind giraffe language are based on the fact that all human behavior is an attempt to get our needs met and that these needs are never in conflict. On the contrary, the conflict arises because our strategies to get our needs met are collapsing. Giraffsprong assumes that if we can identify our own needs, the other’s needs and the feelings that surround and connect to these needs, then harmony and self-regulation can be achieved in the community. In practice, this harmony is created through dialogue and interest-based psychological negotiation – techniques we train in couple therapy.
While giraffe language was once developed as a communication tool in order to create more compassionate relationships, today giraffe language is also considered a universal/spiritual practice, a set of values, an educational method (in relation to the parental role), a pedagogical method, a human view and a world view.Method of giraffe language
Based on the three cornerstones, giraffe language in all its simplicity consists of four steps:
- Describe what you have experienced
- Tell how you felt in the situation
- Tell us what you want
- Ask if the other person will do it for you
Step 1: The objective situation
Describe objectively, factually and neutrally what you have observed in the current situation, without interpreting, colouring, mixing emotions into the description, adding or subtracting. Tell what you have seen and heard (and felt if it was physical) in neutral words and phrases. Try to make it short and chronological. Avoid mixing other, previous or similar episodes and examples into the description. Speak from yourself and for yourself. Say it in a direct and friendly way, without being agitated or wrapping it up. If it is difficult, we can work with self-esteem and assertiveness training in couple therapy. Otherwise, keep the foundation (the three cornerstones) in mind. It helps.
Example: I saw … I heard … I felt …
Step 2: The feeling you created in the situation
Express which feelings you created in the current situation, based on your experience. The feelings you create for yourself in the situation may in reality have arisen on the basis of various sources, in addition to the current situation incl. the thoughts and imaginations you made below. The feelings can, for example, relate to previous experiences, which can go back a long way and even lie outside the relationship and awareness. You have of course felt what you have felt, but try to stick to the current (present) situation. If the situation brings up old memories, trauma or the like, then this is something the couples therapist can support you with during couple therapy. There is typically more than one feeling. In all cases, try to name three feelings.
Example: Then I felt … , … and …
Step 3: The concrete desire in the current situation
Express your specific expectations and wishes in the current situation. Make it operational – concrete and behaviour-based, so it is easy to understand and put into action. If it is not precise enough, it leaves room for imagination, interpretation and missteps. Express it in first-person language as well as in positive, forward-looking and behavior-based terms that bear the stamp of wish, request, recommendation and expectation (conditional perfect). It can be difficult to express your wish clearly enough and there can be many wishes. In all cases, try to mention three wishes, so that not everything is put on a board and that there is room for dialogue, creativity, negotiation, flexibility and adjustment.
Example: I would have expected … I would have wanted …
Step 4: The request
The request itself is the hour of truth and where the tires hit the asphalt. This is where you are clearly and positively thought of, come into your own. This is where you have to step forward and ask your partner to do this or that for you. Also feel free to say what it means to you, without arguing, threatening or coaxing. It is subsequently important to have a clear answer – a clear yes or no. If there is no understanding and acceptance, it is of no use. Yes yes, for example usually means no or run and jump.
Example: Will you do … for me?Giraffe language and conflicts
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
The purpose of giraffe language is to distinguish between and to express observations, feelings and wishes. Conflicts and disagreements can be tackled relatively easily in the first place if you simply clarify your expectations and create understanding.
If you have control over your values, feelings and wishes, you can communicate them in sufficient time without too much frustration. This makes it easier to listen to the partner. At the same time, it is much more likely that you will get what you want from your partner.
To dare confrontation in the relationship
The first step towards conflict resolution is, paradoxically enough, to be prepared to enter the field of tension. To enter the fight instead of avoiding a confrontation and to resolve a conflict before it develops – through curiosity, creativity, dialogue and negotiation. Conflict resolution therefore also requires courage, practice, patience and openness.
Intractable conflicts arise primarily because one person initiates an attack (or feels attacked) and the other defends (or counterattacks). This quickly leads to resistance, avoidance, defense, discussions (who is right), positional warfare (stuckness and hair knots), which can trigger fight-flight-freeze reactions as well as attachment problems (anger/sadness/anxiety/panic) such as withdrawal, rejection or adhesion/postponement. The first goal in conflict resolution is thus to seek the solution instead of the conflict. That is why giraffe language always ends with at least one proposal for a solution and an invitation to answer, dialogue and negotiation. The motto at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk is that if there is a problem, there is also a solution – always and at least one solution.
In giraffe language, one therefore tries to:
- Getting beyond one’s beliefs, prejudices and judgment
- Observe what is concretely at stake
- Experiencing an emotional reaction in the current moment and relating to it
- Hear longing, wants and needs instead of anger, accusations and attacks
- Hearing a need, like a desire for something that can be done differently or better
It requires that in the relationship you seek:
To obtain:
- To listen to one’s own feelings and desires and to learn to express them
- To get into the other’s experiences, feelings and wishes
- To maintain the dialogue by asking if the partner does not express himself
To avoid:
- To criticize, blame and attack the other
- Arguing and defending against what the other person says
- Shutting down the dialogue, withdrawing from the conversation and rejecting the other
In couples therapy, we also train:
- Transactional analysis
- Assertion training
- Mentalization
Giraffe language in a wolf age
Unfortunately, some conflicts have a winner and a loser. Wolves will not always cooperate and some wolves fight long, hard and bloody battles. The goal is therefore to preserve the possibility that both parties can win in the relationship and the relationship. The most difficult conflicts are those that you have lived with for a long time. This type of conflict can rarely be resolved in an instant, but requires effort, time, patience and cooperation from both parties.More about giraffe language
Giraffe language was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg and you can read more about giraffe language in the book Nonviolent Communication ® or Nonviolent communication.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis there is an opportunity and a lesson.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen helps turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
The above principles are also used in professional coaching at ErhvervsCoach®.
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