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Kasper Larsen, cert. coach and exam. psychotherapist cert. with a specialty in couple therapy Post-graduate training as a sexologist, family therapist, alcohol therapist, mentor, supervisor and consultant. Specialization in problem solving, communication, relationships, relationships, cohabitation, sex life and infidelity. 25 years of experience with relational and psychological crisis, grief, development and change processes
Read more about psychotherapy and couple therapy in Copenhagen Valby at www.parterapi-parterapeut.dkCommunication, effect, relationship and couple therapy
Psychological communication > Effect > 5 tips for effective communication
- Provide full notices
- Move from questions to personal statements
- Ask for what you want
- Don’t give what you can’t or won’t give
- Be careful with excuses
Free toolbox for communication in the relationship and in couples therapy
Below you will find five practical tips for communication in a relationship. The five tools can be used both in your couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk and in your own process at home.Get what you want in your relationship through communication and couples therapy
- Provide full notices
- Move from questions to personal statements
- Ask for what you want
- Don’t give what you can’t or won’t give
- Avoid excuses
1. Give full notices
Statements such as ‘I am angry with you’ are a clear and personal message, but it is too poor because it tells too little about yourself and because it breaks or invites interruption and rejection.
If you want to shut down and break contact, better say so directly. Otherwise, give a more complete message about yourself, which opens up self-insight (with you) as well as insight (with the other) as well as dialogue, exchange and (self-)regulation. For example, ‘when I experience you saying/doing… then I think… and then I feel and feel…’. In this way, you are authentic and at the same time you stay with yourself, take ownership and open up for interaction. Couple therapy and family therapy help to say it as it is and at the same time stay in touch.
Other pitfalls around messages are starting a lot of half sentences. In this way, you risk avoiding saying what you want and taking ownership for it. At the same time, it invites mind reading and the other person guessing the unsaid part of the statement. In addition, there is a risk that our statements become too general, that they contain omissions or that they are distorted – read more.2. Move from questions to personal statements
With the help of our mirror neurons, we can feel what the other person is feeling to a certain extent, but we cannot read thoughts. It is good to ask if there is something you do not know and would like to know, but think carefully about why you are asking.
Is it to learn something or is it to manipulate you for an effect. Many times, questions actually contain a hidden statement and personal opinion on the part of the sender. In this way, we can come across as manipulative, coaching, judgmental and moralizing on our partner.
Many do it because they are afraid of taking responsibility, of stepping into character, of hurting or scaring their partner. But unconsciously, it is often the opposite that happens. These are not the best conditions for contact and love. Examples can be: Do you think the plan will hold? Better say what you yourself think about the plan. Don’t you feel bad doing it that way? Better say how you want it done. Don’t you think Peter would find this a bit strange? If Peter is there, ask him directly. If Peter isn’t there, say what you think is strange.
Sometimes statements can also contain a question, especially when they become long and complicated. Here it can be an opportunity for both partners to stop and reflect on the statement – what is actually being said – and ask themselves if the statement also contains a question. If you are the one listening, another option is to ask for a summary/what is actually meant after the statement. It will probably seem surprising, but if you sense after the statement that it contains a question, then simply ask, for example, ‘what exactly are you asking me about?’.
In couple therapy, the participants, via these techniques and support from the couple therapist, get an extra set of ears to hear what is actually being said and asked about, as well as an extra mouth for tips about healthier formulations.3. Ask for what you want
Don’t play guessing games with each other. It is your responsibility, in relation to yourself and the good company, to feel what you want and ask for it. When you dare to feel yourself and what you want, to take ownership of it and to say it to yourself and out loud to your partner, you achieve two things. First, an authentic sense of ownership and self. Second, an opportunity to get what you want (self-regulation).
By asking for what you want from your partner, you give the partner the best they can get from you, a clear message. In couple therapy, it is often said that honesty is love, without, however, having to say it simply because it is honest or true. There must also be meaning and purpose in saying things.
In this way, spending time with you will also be easier (regulation of spending time). Have trust in the other person and that the other person is an adult who can take responsibility for himself and say yes and no – yes and no. In this way, you achieve clearer boundaries and clear contact. Couple therapy and family therapy help you with self-esteem, ownership, openness, clear communication and exchange.
In modern parlance, there is a tendency for us to call our wants needs. It is important to separate needs from wants. Most needs are simply wishes. Needs are things such as air/to breathe, food/nutrition… By calling ‘wants’ ‘needs’, the wishes become ultimate and indisputable. In this way, we risk becoming manipulative and domineering when we say ‘I need…’ instead of ‘I want…’.
If this happens, psychological games such as victim-offender games with associated passive-aggressiveness quickly arise. These games can be very unconscious/ subtle/ complex/ double-edged. For example ‘I need this and that’, implied that I really do and if you don’t want to give/do it for me, then you are very bad/evil/selfish = manipulative dominance. Because it is a need = vital. But by simultaneously calling the desire a need and not directly and authentically coming forward and stating one’s desire, there can also be something sacrificial in the position and behavior it creates. So if the other says no, it becomes an infringement. Or, if the other person gives … or does … because of the pressure, then this person risks harming himself and thus ends up as a victim/self-harmer. And what does that do to the other? Couple therapy and family therapy help you to become aware of the unconscious psychological games and to overcome them.
Experiment with using the word ‘want’ more than ‘need’ and see what happens. Conversely, if your partner tends to say ‘I need…’, you can help understanding and ownership by asking questions, such as ‘for what do you need…’, ‘why (however, be careful with why – see article ) do you need …’ or perhaps something like (and in a non-offensive tone) ‘what happens if not …’.4. Don’t give what you can’t or won’t give
Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep. Don’t pretend you understand if you don’t. Don’t pretend to love if you don’t dare or can’t love. It is an insult to yourself and your partner/family if you give them falsehood and false hopes.
You become inauthentic and this affects both the contact and the other person, who also risks becoming inauthentic. At the same time, you risk that self-loathing will grow in you. Couple therapy and family therapy help you become more authentic and honest.
There is much love in honesty. A clear ‘no’ is far more loving than a fake/half ‘yes’. Love is about announcing where you stand. So, first of all, notice where you stand, so that you notice whether your answer is a ‘burning yes’ or a ‘qualified no’. Next, take ownership and express yourself briefly, clearly and precisely. A ‘qualified no’, however, does not mean that you have to explain, justify or excuse (see the next section) your answer. On the contrary. You have every right to say ‘yes’ as well as ‘no’ and your answer stands out much more clearly to the other person if your ‘no’ stands alone. This therefore also applies to your ‘yes’. A ‘jaja’ usually means ‘no’ or hurry up. And, a ‘well’ is the same as ‘yes, but not yet’. Your ‘no’ qualifies your ‘yes’, in the sense that when your partner hears that you can also say ‘no’, the partner also takes your ‘yes’ more seriously. In this way, couple therapy and family therapy can help you with boundary setting and commitment, as well as rejecting and being rejected without it becoming problematic.5. Avoid excuses
Apologies and their function can be very complicated to understand. As is often the case, they are manipulative and invite games such as the abuser-victim game. Nor can an apology remove one’s guilt (un-guilt). If you have done or said something you regret, it cannot be erased with an apology. If you are sorry for your deed or if you have regretted it, you can say so – rather say it as it is. In couple therapy and family therapy, you get support to tell the truth and to accept the truth of others.
Through an apology, you can get forgiveness. Forgiveness, however, does not mean that the damage and guilt are removed or erased – what is done is done. Sweeping it under the carpet just causes dents in the carpet. Taking responsibility for it helps to move forward. If the other person forgives you, it means acceptance of your guilt and an acceptance to cancel the punishment for your misdeed – but not a cancellation of the damage and responsibility. Your partner cannot take the responsibility away from you, as it is existential. The dialogue can lead to recognition, softening and reconciliation, but it does not necessarily remove the negative emotions such as pain, sadness, anger and shame. If you kick me in the leg, it will still hurt, even if you say sorry. But it often becomes easier when you share your feelings and are heard and taken seriously.
Excuses can become a weapon when used as part of a stud trade. By implication, now that I’ve said sorry, you no longer have the right to show me your pain and anger, at least not without feeling guilty. Excuses also quickly become evasive of responsibility and a safeguard against self-insight, reflection, learning, change and development. It goes without saying that if I were to make a fool of myself again or in a different way, I would just say sorry – that way I would not have to think about it more and behave in a different way. Yes, to a more extreme degree, apologies can be used as a defense against having to think about, take into account and take responsibility in general – because then you just say sorry, because we can all make a mistake…
For some people, however, an apology plays an indispensable and important role. It must be acknowledged. In couple therapy and family therapy, alternatives are opened up to a greater extent, so that more openness, insight, recognition and responsibility are achieved through the dialogue.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis there is an opportunity and a learning.
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The above principles are also used in professional coaching at ErhvervsCoach®.Stuck
If you are stuck in some of the above or similar linguistic communication patterns and are interested in what lies behind, personal development, development of your communicative skills and a better couple relationship, couples therapy may be an option.Consultation in couples therapy
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk.
Or book a consultation in psychotherapy and couple therapy on tel. 61661900.
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Kasper Larsen
Coach, psychotherapist, sexologist, family and couples therapist in Copenhagen Valby
Copyright © Kasper Larsen, 2014. All rights reserved.