- Dating in the relationship
- Dating and relationships
- Living together and joint activity
- Participation and initiative
Dating time in the relationship
As a couples therapist, I experience clients who have forgotten to be lovers on a daily basis in couples therapy. After falling in love wears off at the same time as everyday life, the obvious and the power of habit takes over, many couples forget to be lovers. The relationship slowly slips into a friendship and the family becomes almost like a machine or a factory – Family Inc. It often goes beyond a sense of community, communication, dialogue and problem solving. And thus also confidentiality, closeness, intimacy – and for many, sex life as well.
Forgot to be lovers?
In couples therapy, there are thus many couples who have forgotten to be lovers and at the same time have problems with communication, arguments, isolation and sex life. An exercise can be to ask yourself what you actually did when you were newly in love? Yes, most went on dates. But, if I, as a couples therapist, mention it in couple therapy, many people say – why, now we have scored. And then most couples immediately come up with a series of good excuses not to date anymore:
- Money, time and children
- Work, projects and house building
- Energy, surplus, creativity and imagination
- Weather, darkness and cold
- Will, decision-making power and initiative
- Everyday life, routine and the power of habit
- TV, PC and mobile phones
- The cozy warmth of togetherness
It might also be better to call it a shepherd’s hour; as it was called in the old days. Actually, shepherding time is a better word than dating, because it is more comprehensive since the word simply means: A period of time that two lovers spend together alone.
What makes your partner happy?
It is important for the couple to maintain, develop and maintain the loving feelings, to look for each other and to participate in each other’s lives, as well as to create joint activities and memories. There is nothing that comes by itself and if you do as you usually do, you will also get the same results. So it’s important to know what makes your partner happy – and then to do some of it, just once in a while. Deep down, most people already know, but ask anyway. It’s a good exercise. Just asking shows interest, curiosity, initiative, care and benevolence. Already there, you begin to reverse the negative spiral.
Creativity must be pushed
For most couples, there is a lot that dies along with creativity. And creativity must be pushed, especially if time, money and childcare are tight. It requires home dating. Yes, home dating. It might sound crazy, but it can be done. Therefore, below are a few suggestions for home dating, based on some of the client examples that I, as a couples therapist, have heard about in couples therapy over time. Not that I expect you to be able to use them all, but maybe just one of them can stimulate your creativity.
Set your dates in the system
Put it in a system, but your own system. One that supports you so you get it done and one that doesn’t kill desire, initiative and flexibility. As a couple’s therapist, I find through couples’ therapy that most people get the most out of letting it take turns and agreeing how often it should be. Some also decide on a small and simple evening date once a week or every fortnight, as well as a larger all-day date once a month or a weekend getaway once a quarter.
10 suggestions for home dating
1. Picnic at home
Prepare a nice picnic basket together and organize a picnic in the garden, conservatory, on the floor or somewhere else in the home. Make a little extra out of it with goodies, checkered tablecloth, straw hat, glasses and ‘drinks’. Make it romantic with candles, special lighting and music or nature sounds and birds chirping on your mobile phone.
2. A gastronomic evening
Cooking is both a loving and creative process that strengthens interaction, communication, negotiation, decision making and problem solving. Arrange a culinary evening with a three-course menu that you plan, shop for and cook together. Before you sit down at the table, make sure you dress up and have a ‘drink’. Put on some nice music or make a special playlist if you feel like it.
3. Movie night / home cinema
Pick a couple of movies that you’ve always wanted to watch together. Or watch all the episodes of the series you never got to see together. Or each choose a couple of films that you would like to watch yourself and show the girlfriend – preferably one that you think the girlfriend would like to see as well. Don’t be too critical. It may well be that your style or genre is a little different from your boyfriend’s, but then you come to visit each other’s universe and experience something new. Stage it with what you want, e.g. pillows, blankets, lighting, warmth, snacks, food, ‘drinks’… Hold hands, sit on your lap, spoon… And if one of you gets tired, just relax and take a nap during the movie. If you want, have a chat about the film afterwards. What made an impression, how and why?
4. Massage
Stage it in the bedroom or cover a table with blankets and sheets if you don’t have a nightstand. Buy some delicious massage oil, turn on the heat, put on some pleasant music, light candles… and then let it go in turns. It doesn’t have to be erotic, keep it initially to the massage itself. It can also just be a shoulder massage, head massage, ear massage, hand massage or foot massage. At the same time, practice communicating. Don’t make it a guessing game. Let the person to be massaged say what, how and for how long it is desired. And also remember to take care of yourself when you massage.
5. Spa
If you already have a spa, it’s easy enough. You already know the recipe. But then make a little extra out of it. Make it as personal-professional and delicious as possible. If you don’t have a spa, turn the bathroom into your own spa, a Turkish spa… Combine bathing with scrubbing, styling, fragrances, oils, candles, manicures or whatever you want and can accommodate. Keep it that way or take advantage of the atmosphere for more intimate gatherings.
6. Troubadour
Arrange an evening in the sign of love. Make a list each and find the corresponding romantic love poems, quotes, pieces of music, film clips, flowers, sweets, drinks… Set the scene for the evening. Take turns bombarding each other with your declarations of love through the art that the great masters have already created. You don’t have to be a troubadour yourself, but if you want you can, for example, mime to the music. Anyone with a music collection or internet access can thus join in and thus quickly become a true troubadour. Otherwise, go to the library and get inspiration.
7. Game night
Whether you play video games or not, find one or more video games and teach each other how to play and how to play together. Try something new. Choose a game each and try it out. Play with and against each other. Make any a contest. If you don’t already play and resources are small, start with free games, PC, mobile OS and a few apps. If you are caught, buy a game console.
8. Poker / board games
Organize a game night. Play a game you know and played when you were newly in love or learn a new one. Try an adult game and a silly kids game. One you previously played and one you might like to try. It can also be a card game. For example, poker has become very popular. If you miss eroticism and don’t think it’s flat, you can turn it into strip poker. Or play The bottleneck points to. Truth and dare etc.
9. Home camping
Many people love the outdoors, nature and camping, but never manage to get together or reject themselves and each other because of the weather, the mosquitoes, the surface, the trouble… But then do home camping in the garden, living room or conservatory. If you don’t have a tent, stimulate the creativity of the inner child and build a den with blankets, pillows and sleeping bags. It doesn’t have to be more complicated!
10. A theme night
Arrange a themed evening with a focus on, for example, Egypt, Africa, Thailand, America, Finland, Bolivia, Mali, Australia… Somewhere that you are interested in and/or that you would like to travel to and find out more about – but maybe don’t have childcare, time, money for. Research on the countryside and culture. Use the internet and go to the library together. Find books, pictures, films and data about the area as well as the different perspectives and opportunities in the country. Make a summary, inform each other, read aloud and show each other pictures or films. Buy in so you can cook some of the local dishes together. Play some of the local music for each other. Dress up as they do – maybe just a hat or scarf. Yes, only the imagination sets the limit.
Enjoy!
Consultation in psychotherapy and couples therapy
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Or book a consultation appointment for a couple check-up, couple therapy or couple counseling on tel. 6166 1900.
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Tips for the relationship and love
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