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Articles on: Infidelity • Crisis • Stabilization • Development
Processen ved utroskab består af tre faser: Krise, stabilisering og udvikling.
Nedenfor kan du læse mere om den anden fase: Stabiliseringsfasen ved utroskab.
For hurtig eller akut parterapi ved utroskab – Ring 61661900.
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The crisis phase is about the acute psychotherapeutic and couple therapeutic work.
The stabilization phase is about processing the infidelity and its residual processes.
In addition, the stabilization phase aims for the couple to be able to calm down as soon as possible so that everyday life can start functioning normally again. At the same time, the stabilization phase is the springboard to the development phase – whether separately or together.
The motto is that the way out is through. So it’s about getting through the infidelity and out on the other side. Here you can begin to relate to the relationship anew and decide how it is and how it should be.
Regardless of whether it is one or the other form of infidelity and how it is detected, the couple continues to struggle to understand and deal with the confusing, conflicting and forbidden feelings.
The aim is to be able to get back together or get divorced in a good way, to build a new reality and existence and to find out how to avoid infidelity occurring in the future.
In addition to the common processes surrounding infidelity, there are also a number of individual processes such as self-blame, self-examination, self-understanding and self-confidence.
Infidelity also triggers a lot of anxiety and fear of being abandoned as well as the fear of losing the secure base (Bowlby).
In the stabilization phase, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk helps the couple rebuild the foundation for the relationship.
As mentioned in the article about the first phase (the crisis phase), one of the processes of infidelity is also about attachment.
Our attachment is formed early in childhood and already in childhood we experience the first failure. This failure usually sets in as something special in our body, mind and memory – whether it is more or less conscious.
The old failure can be activated by infidelity. Attachment is thus an important topic in couple therapy for infidelity, as it is both about our dependence, vulnerability, trust in the relationship as a secure base and our ability to surrender to the relationship.
In attachment, the question is often how much anxiety we can accommodate without too much discomfort. We are talking about two factors here, foci and ways of reacting:
1. Attachment-related anxiety:
Are you there for me – available, available, attentive and responsive.
2. Attachment-related avoidance:
Can I trust you, open up to you and make myself dependent on you.
Every time we are threatened with or experience a failure such as infidelity, we risk activating these forms of anxiety as well as old painful feelings and reactions – either generally and unconsciously, more specifically and consciously or in a mixture.
Characterized and in general, the attachment behavior thus appears either contact-seeking and perhaps clinging (separation phobic) or withdrawn and perhaps avoidant (contact phobic).
1) In the case of infidelity, paradoxical situations can arise, where it is the deceived, offended and let down who tries to keep the relationship together. In these situations, it can be very difficult to process the anger and at the same time reinforcing if the other party is evasive about the infidelity. It is especially challenging and turbulent if one of the parties is fluctuating/ambivalent – changing in and out and on or off. 2) Similarly, in the case of infidelity, situations can arise where both parties are too clingy and symbiotic in their attachment style. Here there is a tendency for them not to be properly spoken to and jump too quickly over the infidelity process and back into the old relationship too soon. 3) If one of the parties in their attachment style is too dismissive or too focused on just moving on after the infidelity, it can feel frivolous, unappreciative and dismissive. If it is the deceived person who is too restrained, the unfaithful person may, for example, misinterpret it as a signal that everything is now ok – which is absolutely rare. 4) If, on the other hand, both parties are too evasive in their attachment, they run the risk of not getting through the process at all or of being divorced prematurely on the wrong basis. Attachment is thus an important element in couple therapy around infidelity.
In addition, there are three factors that affect the degree of real pain, failure and loss associated with infidelity. Or conversely, the feeling of imagined pain, failure and loss at risk, threat, imagination and suspicion of infidelity. The other three factors are:
1. Commitment and responsibility
2. Value and dependence
3. Sensitivity and vulnerability
If, for example, you have children with your partner and/or for other reasons are very committed to and dependent on your partner and very sensitively involved, the failure and loss (potentially as well as real) in connection with infidelity is likely to be greater. The greater the total commitment, value, sensitivity and pain of infidelity, the greater the need for couples therapy as well.
If your partner not only cheats on you, but also leaves you in favor of the person your partner cheats on you with, a number of questions may arise about why and whether the new partner should be better than you.
This does not make the situation any easier, and at the same time it can arouse feelings such as anger, hurt and inferiority – the person with whom the partner has cheated was perhaps younger, prettier, thinner, smarter, richer…
When the loss associated with infidelity occurs, it often comes unexpectedly. The partner who is deceived and suffers loss through infidelity is therefore in chaos. Conversely, the person who is unfaithful and possibly want to leave the relationship, had more time to process thoughts and feelings.
This can often create some strange situations, where the person who has been unfaithful is often very calm and settled, and the person who suffers loss through infidelity is shocked and upset. In these situations, support through couple therapy is especially needed.
Grief over the loss(es), on the other hand, is a process with four tasks (Worden), which requires an active effort around:
1. Acceptance of the loss (mentally and emotionally)
2. Emotional processing (all the grief feelings and reactions to the loss)
3. Acquisition of new coping skills (new knowledge, skill and competence)
4. Reinvestment of the energy (incl. final acceptance and coping as well as new direction)
In relation to the grief process and grief work, whether it is infidelity, divorce or death, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk is personally trained and works according to Marianne Davidsen-Nielsen’s methods regarding grief work and attachment. Below is a schematic of the process and coincidences surrounding the crisis and grief process.
In practice, processes and tasks mix with each other along the way, while backflows can occur. If there is a setback, it can be very disappointing and disillusioning.
They are important to accept because it means that there is something to be completed and learned before you can move on. In grief, there can also be both forbidden, opposite and mixed emotions.
If the feelings of inferiority, anger and deprivation mix, bitterness often arises.
In the case of infidelity, it is particularly important to talk about both anger, loss, deprivation and grief on the part of both parties in order to avoid or to get over the bitterness.
The most important thing is to allow yourselves to feel and express where you are and what is happening, then the couples therapist will probably help you navigate the process itself.
Forgiveness is often difficult and complicated.
It can take a long time and be difficult without professional help from a couples therapist with experience in infidelity. But as soon as the crisis stabilizes and the grieving process begins to subside, there often begins to be time and space for forgiveness, reconciliation and letting go.
On the Blog you will find a number of articles with free tools for forgiving infidelity.
In crises such as infidelity, it is about re-establishing an experience of meaning and coherence (OAS or SOC in English) in life, everyday life and the relationship (Antonovsky).
This experience of coherence is created through three factors: 1. Comprehensibility through predictability, 2. Manageability through load balance and 3. Meaningfulness through involvement/participation.
In connection with infidelity, many questions arise that the couple tries to answer together.
The parties can thus easily be caught in their zeal torturing themselves and each other with a centrifuge of repetitive questions and interrogations as well as explanations and defenses that become more and more intense and enervating (see article 1 – the crisis phase).
Therefore, carefully consider your questions, lay your cards on the table and consider the level of detail.
One of the worst things about infidelity is precisely the confusion, uncertainty and suspicion that can arise. It can give birth to an uncontrollable urge to ask questions and to control everything from behavior to messages, emails and text messages.
This can create some unfortunate patterns in the relationship, which are also known from areas such as addiction and co-dependency (alcohol). In addition, it may be illegal cf. §263 of the Criminal Code (the secrecy of letters) to read each other’s letters.
On the other hand, openness, transparency and honesty are a necessity for you to get through the stabilization phase of infidelity. And without it, it becomes difficult to create some form of comprehensibility, meaningfulness and manageability.
It is an advantage to talk openly about the need for control and to make specific agreements/policies for how far you can go, for each other.
Psychologically and physically, it can be difficult to re-establish a sex life after infidelity.
The infidelity can affect the sexual identity, preference and practice.
Both parties may, for example, feel shame, guilt, impurity and disgust. Some risk withdrawing, pretending or offending themselves or their partner. Others risk compensating and overdoing it.
At first, it may seem as if there is a third party (the person with whom adultery has been committed) between the couple and many times also in bed. Especially if there have been too many intimate details in the couple’s questioning and cleansing dialogue about the infidelity.
Uncertainty about self-esteem, body image, boundaries, signals and interpretations can also arise. Just as infidelity can stir up old sexual traumas, as well as fantasies. Make Parterapi-parterapeut.dk aware of it if the infidelity causes problems in the sex life after the infidelity, so that the couples therapy can be supplemented with sexological conversation therapy.
For few it is just the same. For many, sex life becomes a challenge until sexuality is re-established. For some it actually becomes more frequent, intense and better – especially right after the infidelity.
There are many reasons for this. Most are individual and unique. And the crisis affects differently. Getting to the bottom of this often requires psychological support and dialogue through sexological couple therapy – to reach clarification, clarification, recovery and trust. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk therefore also offers sexological conversation therapy in connection with infidelity.
Couples with clip cards for couple therapy in case of infidelity, are also offered free tests, tools, articles and eBooks.
These are all supplementary dialogue tools. As a starting point, the couple has plenty to talk about and work with, and the couples therapist already has a lot of experience and a toolbox. You thus and automatically get what is relevant about the infidelity, when you are ready and it is relevant.
In order to maintain your changes, it is important to make visible and anchor the results of the process and to prevent new crises and infidelity through dialogue and action. Therefore, it is also good to invest in a notebook for notes about the process, work points, decisions, agreements, goals, questions, results, etc.