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The process of infidelity consists of three phases: Crisis, stabilization and development.
Below you can read more about the third phase: The development phase of infidelity.
For quick or urgent couple therapy in case of infidelity – Call 61661900.
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After the stabilization phase, the couple begins to get ready and to gain surplus for development. The preceding processes are important and must be worked through, because otherwise they will hinder development or lead to relapse.
A number of important factors in the development phase are described below.
In response to the development method itself, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk can of course continue to offer general. couple therapy with the aim of retention, maintenance and development.
If sex life is to be restored, there is also the option of sexological talk therapy.
A more dynamic development method imago therapy / imago couple therapy.
Finally, infidelity is a crisis that can cause or be caused by many other crises and challenges in one or all areas of life. Eg mid-life crisis, lack of purpose and goals in life, crisis at work or in the company (self-employed), lack of or too much success, alcohol problems, etc.
In that case, a life change, turnaround or quantum leap may be required. Then there is the option of completing a special coaching course – alone or with a partner. So that all three areas of life are included – personal, relational and professional.
The best prevention against infidelity is, first and foremost, maintaining and developing the relationship through ongoing dialogue and loving action.
If impulses to infidelity arise, the absolute best prevention is to try to imagine all the consequences – for oneself, the partner, the children, the family, friends, health, work, finances… in the short and long term.
There are very few people who can realistically imagine all the consequences both on the psychological, relational, emotional, sexual and practical level, but there is no one who, after feeling infidelity on their own body and seeing the reactions of their partner and those closest to them, who does not regrets the infidelity.
When we come to development and prevention, the possibilities and the toolbox are unlimited.
If this section were to be exhaustive, it would never end. The concrete methods and solutions will thus depend specifically on your current situation and wishes.
Overall, however, the development and prevention can include the couple, the relationship and the parties themselves. It can partly be something practical, physical, psychological, social and existential.
Below is a small sample of research, theory and experience on what creates a good relationship and how infidelity is prevented and avoided. You are welcome to read more on the website and blog, here you will find e.g. an article with ten tips on how to develop and maintain the relationship.
The couples who manage best and who manage best through a crisis such as infidelity, exhibit consistent character traits such as compassion, gratitude and magnanimity.
The other qualities are: First, tolerance and flexibility. Second, patience and foresight. Thirdly, generosity, sacrifice and action. Fourthly, they are large, good at communicating and have common goals, life values, ideals and attitudes – they are characterized by having the will and ability to swallow camels and to see the relationship in a larger perspective.
The couples who go through the difficult times together and solve their problems together strengthen both their skills, love, relationship and attachment.
It is a path that requires energy, will, sacrifice, action and persistence. Even if it initially feels artificial or contrived. But it really doesn’t take that much.
The two most important factors are curiosity and benevolence. The slightest signs of thawing can set off a positive and passionate avalanche – the positive spiral.
Love is action and love requires nourishment to survive and grow – the grass is greenest where you water. So if you forget to show love to the one you love and based on the partner’s own love language, even the most fantastic relationship can blossom – the negative spiral.
Good, strong and healthy couples therefore know why they are together and what makes themselves and their partner happy, while at the same time focusing more on giving than receiving love. Those who reach special heights have common goals and create something together.
The best prevention against infidelity is ongoing dialogue and development of the relationship, as well as constantly aligning the relationship with the partners’ individual situation, life stages, needs and goals. The four biggest challenges in this regard are creating a balance between:
Individual and couple/family.
Couple/family and work/study/leisure interests.
Balance between autonomy and heteronomy.
Child rearing and child skills, if there are children in the relationship.
Values, vision and goals in life.
It is also about recognizing that the relationship is also a business, where there is both something you want to give and something you want to get out of the relationship.
In the name of love, however, we are flexible and prepared to go the extra mile. It is completely normal and healthy to have an Emotions account, but some people forget to keep an eye on the balance or take stock. Others forget to deposit or withdraw and some withdraw too large bills for too long.
Just like in the bank, everything is in principle ok, as long as you remember to make agreements and follow up. You should also know that the ratio between the pluses and minuses on the Emotions account is not equal. Every time the couple creates a negative situation in the relationship and draws on the account, there are typically five pluses on the account to balance the one minus.
That is why it is extra important to continuously develop and invest in the relationship, so that there is something to remember on gray weather days and to draw on during crises.
The best investment is in ourselves and our personal development (Warren Buffett).
You cannot predict or avoid infidelity with certainty, but there are some factors that recur.
In order for infidelity to occur, there must therefore be a frustrated need, an opportunity and a low risk of being discovered – unless one specifically wants to be discovered.
It is not immediately advisable to speculate on the last two factors of the equation (opportunity and risk), but the first factor can be advantageously done actively (the needs and frustrations).
From our own practice, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk’s experience is that the best and simplest advice against infidelity is dialogue and joint activity.
Couples who have dialogue have the easiest time aligning expectations and picking up and dealing with problems. And the couples who have many joint activities have the greatest statistical chance of staying together.
Joint activity also provides opportunities for joint experiences, insight, learning, development, exchange, joy and laughter. It connects and is good to be able to think back on and look forward to during bad times.
In addition, you can avoid and prevent and get over infidelity faster with the help of the five languages of love and the four basic factors. See more below.
In addition, factors such as daily eye contact, interest (questions), listening, recognition and touch are important.
Going forward, it is also good to share your individual visions as well as dream together and set goals together – see more under Coaching.
At the slightly more complex end of the scale, there are, for example, the five languages of love that you can work with. But in general, try to look at the relationship as a garden – it doesn’t just take care of itself!
The above is also supported by different research, which collectively reports four factors.
I have allowed myself to rewrite and supplement these four factors with evidence from my own practice:
1. Balance in the relationship (respect, dignity, esteem and honor, that you do not take the relationship for granted and lose the spark, that you promote joy and prevent routine and stagnation).
2. Fascination and attraction (attention that one takes responsibility for one’s appearance/well-being and acknowledges one’s partner).
3. Closeness, distance, intimacy and coordinated sex (rhythm, frequency, form and variation).
4. That anger is expressed and handled constructively in the relationship (handling anger, frustration, desires, boundaries, conflicts and arguments – an important part of couple therapy).
Regarding the topics in section 2 and 3., then there is an opportunity to put special focus on these through sexological conversation therapy (see at the bottom of the page).
Relationships can be redefined!
How do you move on after infidelity? After infidelity, nothing seems to be the same as before. And what was there before might not have been good enough.
Infidelity is thus a crisis with turning points and opportunities. Opportunities to redefine life, the relationship and the relationship. The most important thing is what you decide on and how you act – whether it is development or liquidation.
The best expression for the situation one finds oneself in when infidelity is the Chinese term Weiji, which means Crisis. The term consists of two characters, the first Wei meaning Danger. The next Ji, which in modern interpretation means opportunity and in traditional interpretation means turning point, coincidence or opportunity for development.
Infidelity is for most people the biggest breach of trust imaginable.
When the infidelity comes to light it is a shock, but for many it is also a form of relief.
The news of infidelity creates a gap between the parties. The infidelity leaves both parties with the question of whether they will bridge this gap together. Some are quick to build bridges and for others it takes time and … trust.
For those who go all the way, the commitment, intensity, closeness, passion and familiarity in the relationship can become even stronger because the parties have chosen each other and built a new conscious culture.
The parties don’t just choose each other, they choose each other for. It’s like getting married, all over again. This time, it’s with skin and hair. All the good and bad sides and working points are known.
Meeting a new partner can be fun and go quickly, but it takes many years to sharpen the edges and build a good, close, familiar, safe and trusting relationship.
As Kierkegaard said, falling in love is a precursor to love. True love requires that, in addition to desire and emotions, there is also awareness and conscience.
Although it is also a job to repair an old relationship, it still makes sense for most people to stay together, fight and develop.
It helps many to keep this in mind, because with infidelity ambivalence arises at the same time that most people find it difficult to feel their positive feelings for each other. These and the spark are awakened through the process, with the support of couples therapy.
Couples in progress are also offered a free relationship test, which can show the necessary focus within the important development areas of the relationship. If you buy couples therapy on clip cards, you also get a free eBook etc. In this way, the couple can purposefully create and maintain the relationship they really want.
Crises, such as infidelity, are therefore not bad in themselves. Crisis and couple therapy around infidelity is a place of decisive development – in relation to the couple, relationally and personally.
A learning that can often be used elsewhere and in other relationships, such as in friendships and at work.
Crises have a potential because you are shaken to the core and get the opportunity to shake the bag and let the pieces fall into place in a new and more appropriate way in the relationship.
At the same time, you can become more awake, capable of life and grateful after a crisis of infidelity. Just as you gain new insights along the way and develop new skills and coping techniques.
The relationship can be strengthened and more conscious and alive after the infidelity, when you have learned to live with what is now in your life.
At first, many see infidelity as an enemy, but it is about turning it into a friend and, at best, a teacher.
Infidelity will probably be a companion for a while, which will occupy less and less space over time. But infidelity can also lead to the dissolution of the relationship.
Perhaps the infidelity and the intense pain it causes cannot be contained, which is why you might run away in the hope that the pain will disappear – but it rarely does.
Or perhaps the crisis opens one’s eyes to the hopelessness one is in, after which one realizes that the relationship is not viable. Most things thus come closer to an understanding and manageability of the problems and life.
Your mindset and attitude defines your relationship!
Although it may sound paradoxical, as a couples therapist I usually welcome couples with infidelity and ask them to be faithful to their infidelity.
I do this because these couples have often hit rock bottom in their relationships, have met them themselves, have come to a turning point and know what it is all about and applies.
They stand at a T-road with the infidelity and the partner in hand and must choose whether they want development or settlement.
Although infidelity is hard, I find as a couples therapist that most people choose development.
Here it is, among other things, about finding out what the infidelity is an expression of and what it wants to tell.
Those who go all the way often come out stronger and wiser on the other side of infidelity. They have typically become wiser about themselves and their partner, their boundaries and what they want and don’t want from themselves, each other, the relationship and life.
In connection with couple therapy around infidelity, the couple simultaneously develops and trains their skills in, among other things, contact, closeness, attachment, mentalisation, emotional expression, sharing, containing, value clarification, norm setting, boundary setting, listening, communication, assertion, reconciliation of expectations, decision making, goal setting, problem solving, negotiation, conflict management and forgiveness.
Those who go through the process thus come out on the other side both wiser and stronger. When they have stood by the T-road in this way, they can feel themselves and the relationship better and make a safer choice whether to stay together or break up.
Those who want resolution can get help with farewell therapy or divorce therapy.
Watch Esther Perel’s Ted video on infidelity: Rethinking infidelity
Couples with clip cards for couple therapy in case of infidelity, are also offered free tests, tools, articles and eBooks.
These are all supplementary dialogue tools. As a starting point, the couple has plenty to talk about and work with, and the couples therapist already has a lot of experience and a toolbox. You thus and automatically get what is relevant about the infidelity, when you are ready and it is relevant.
In order to maintain your changes, it is important to make visible and anchor the results of the process and to prevent new crises and infidelity through dialogue and action. Therefore, it is also good to invest in a notebook for notes about the process, work points, decisions, agreements, goals, questions, results, etc.