- What is trust
- Basics of trust building
- I’m ok and you’re ok
- Beliefs, trust, confidence and mistrust
- The subjective reality and common understanding
- Four factors that create trust in communication
- Three virtues that inspire trust in communication
- Trustworthiness
Article: Trust, self-confidence and mistrust in adultery and sidestepping
Questions and answers about adultery
This is an article in the series of answers about infidelity.
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Are you seeking couples therapy for infidelity?
If you have questions and concerns about trust and distrust or fidelity and infidelity, there is probably a reason for it. It can be a good occasion to stop, take stock and reflect on the relationship. Read more below, on the blog and website. There is also a free relationship test here. Or book a single consultation, like a party check, and get an overview of the matter. But stop the accident and immediately click on infidelity or call 61661900 for couples therapy if the damage has been done. Remember that it is never too late to prevent or save the relationship and the family after infidelity.
Trust as a supporting element for friendship in the relationship
Trust is first and foremost a supporting element for friendship in a relationship. In addition, trust is often a particularly critical topic in couple therapy. Thus, I have many couples in couples therapy, with challenges around mistrust and breach of trust in relation to different situations. For example, trust is often a theme in connection with failure and violations such as violence, infidelity, lies, breach of contract and deception. But the question of trust also comes up when I treat couples and families with, for example, alcohol problems. As many couples seek me out for couple therapy around infidelity, I often answer questions about trust and mistrust, as well as how to build and rebuild trust by being trustworthy and trust-inspiring. Below I have therefore collected some of the points I often repeat, as I hope it can be an inspiration.
What is trust
Trust can be seen from two angles. A question of a presence of belief and/or an absence of doubt. In isolation, most people would probably think that trust is a strong feeling of being able to believe in, rely on or count on someone or something. In the social context (sociology), trust is described as a relationship between different parties, where trust is primarily about the absence (suspension) of doubt towards the partner or the partner’s ideas and promises. This means that you immediately accept the other person’s promise or idea as good, honest, true, competent and workable. In the social space, trust serves three functions:
1) It makes social actions predictable,
2) it creates a sense of togetherness and
3) it makes it easier for people to be and to work together.
An odd size
Trust is not something that is either there or not. Trust is a factor that constantly changes shape and size in relation to external conditions such as the person(s) and the situation as well as a wide range of internal conditions such as your/partner’s state/emotions (state), values, experiences and beliefs (faith). . Some will, in line with the above, claim that the relationship and its qualities – i.e. what is between us – both reflect and influence trust. In couple therapy, trust is a recurring theme, regardless of whether there are everyday challenges or whether a crisis has arisen in the couple’s relationship in connection with, for example, infidelity.
Absolutely basalt
Trust basically arises when your partner feels listened to. When the partner discovers that you take him/her seriously. When the partner experiences that you are welcoming and curious about his/her model of the world and what he/she has in mind. Even if the partner is not in the best mood or even needs to complain, express sadness or worries, trust increases if you listen to your partner.
Trust is basically an idea that everything is ok and that everything will work out. Even if there are bumps and accidents on the road. Since trust is constantly developing when we talk together, your ability to listen and dialogue is one of the most important tools, inside and outside couple therapy, to develop and repair trust. On this blog there are already several articles with tools about communication – search with the search function in your browser or [Ctrl]+[f].
Some immediate general tips
In addition to listening, trust relies on the concept of mentalization – seeing the other from the inside and oneself from the outside (and not just the other from the outside and oneself from the inside), as well as being proven about one’s communication and behavior and possibly to adapt it. Both parts may require some training, which is often part of couples therapy.
Some immediate specific tips
Some simple and practical tricks are generally to express yourself briefly and precisely, to say only what you mean and to show what you say with your body language. So it is easier to understand and remember, it has a greater effect and you avoid repeating or justifying (explaining, justifying, apologizing…) what you have just said.
That there is agreement between what you say, the tone of voice and the body language is called congruence, and when there is congruence the message is clarified, substantiated and confirmed. It creates trust.
Next, it is confidence-inspiring to listen actively (e.g. a nod, a yes and a small question of interest once in a while) and appreciatively (actually appreciative dialogue as in imagotherapy or e.g. just small repetitions and summaries) without interrupting.
So it can, for example, be confidence-inspiring to avoid too much use of ‘why’ and ‘because’. It usually just leads to intellectualisation, defence, excuses and attacks.
Finally, it is important to avoid ‘but’ and ‘well’. Especially starting with those two words. It is negative and erases what has been said beforehand or makes it difficult to hear and believe what comes afterwards. At the bottom, you can read about what our relationship, worldview and mental position have to do with trust, as well as four factors and three virtues that can make your communication trust-building.
Trust and process
Trust changes and develops as long as we focus, talk, write and share about it. Trust is the foundation for opening up, taking chances and daring to enter into close and nurturing relationships with vulnerability, exchange and the risk of mistakes.
Trust is also about the trust in yourself, that you are good enough, that you can handle it and that it will probably work, and if not – that we can repair the relationship and trust together. Not necessarily without a price. It may require that we or one of us pull back a little and be careful for a while until it feels safe again.
The cost of commitment is grief
Colin Murray Parkes
Part of that process may include anger and grief reactions, as well as forgiveness (of the other as well as yourself) so that healing can take place. Overall, the process is about construction, stabilization, normalization and prevention. Along the way, as a couples therapist, I help the partners to express and acknowledge what they want in couple therapy and to make appropriate and supportive communicative and behavioral changes in daily life.
I’m ok and you’re ok
The fact that trust can connect what is between us (the relationship) and what is in us (the feeling of being good enough) is a phenomenon that can be related to what is called ‘being ok’ and the balance between the partners’ feeling of ‘to be ok’. It is immediately easier to have trust when you feel okay and you immediately seem more trusting on the outside when you feel okay on the inside.
For most people, this means that they find it easier to relate to their partner and to accommodate differences and difficult feelings. If the partner also feels accepted and OK, you can talk about an OK-OK relationship. It lowers the stress level (anger and anxiety) and makes it easier to communicate, understand, accept and solve problems.
There are four possible situations where the first three are challenging or problematic: 1) I’m OK and you’re Not OK. 2) I’m Not OK and you’re OK. 3) I am Not-ok and you are Not-ok. And a fourth, which is the optimal one: I’m OK and you’re OK. As a couples therapist, I support the partners in finding an OK state and in creating and balancing an OK-OK relationship.
Beliefs
Sometimes trust is high, low or fluctuating (ambivalent) – on the one hand there is something that speaks for trust and on the other hand there is something that speaks for mistrust. The question is why and what we choose – do we choose to trust/believe in or do we choose to distrust/mistrust. Henry Ford is quoted as having said something like: “Whether you believe it or not, you are right.”. Trust is thus also about choice, decision and faith – in the end, but in practice it is not so easy.
It’s easier to believe in something we have proof of. Here, the power of example and experience, as well as our concerns (what we project into the future) play a big influence. It is clearly easier to believe in something if we have supporting experiences and if we have many of these, they form evidence – a conviction.
A conviction is thus a series of unambiguous experiences and evidence that forms the basis for a rule that is superimposed on the evidence – hence conviction. Some are quickly convinced and for others it takes time or X amount of evidence. Others again, are never convinced. This is called belief filters. As a couples therapist, through couple therapy I help the partners to understand and recognize each other’s belief filters. In this way, they can better calibrate and navigate in relation to each other and the trust, as well as handle when it is sometimes two steps forward and one back.
Distrust
Trust takes years to build,
seconds to break
and forever to repair!
It is neither easy to be the one who has lost trust nor the one who is no longer trusted. It can cause a lot of negative feelings for both, incl. guilt and shame. It can also give rise to an experience of disorientation, fragmentation, unreality, alienation, loneliness and meaninglessness. In the case of strong breaches of trust and crises, it can even feel like the world is crumbling, that the rug is being torn away from under one, that we (the self) are disintegrating and that we cease to exist. It is not uncommon for similar experiences to be described by the failed/violated party during couples therapy in the case of infidelity, for example (especially the relationship-like infidelity). And it is also not unusual descriptions I hear from the failed/offended party in alcohol abuse (and strong/consistent lying/manipulation) when I provide treatment as well as family and couple therapy in connection with alcohol problems.
Trust is central to our ability to orient ourselves in and give meaning to our experiences and the world around us. If both partners become disoriented, it can mean that, for a while at least, we no longer feel connected to each other and to a shared world. The feeling of trust or distrust rests on an elementary interpersonal connectedness. Trust is about capturing a complex set of relationships to the world, to fellow human beings and to ourselves. It is precisely the connection between and the mutual dependence of these relationships that we try to capture in couple therapy by talking about the lost trust.
Rationality, emotion and judgment
Trust and mistrust are names for feelings, but they are also names for a form of understanding and agreement. It is on the one hand emotional and on the other mental. The dilemma is that understanding and trust in a situation, a relationship and another person’s incl. its character comes to us primarily as a feeling and not as objective knowledge—only old experiences and notions of the future.
Therein lies the difference between trust and reasonableness as well as credibility and predictability. Therefore, in the event of a breach of trust, unaccountability and unpredictability arise – which must be rebuilt both in couple therapy and at home. Trust and mistrust are thus also emotional expressions of a power of judgment that we use to orient ourselves morally in the world. These emotional expressions tell us about our reaction to what is going on around us and the future.
When your partner trusts you, it is not because the partner can know for sure what you do and don’t do, but because the partner trusts your ethics and judgement. In relation to trust, it can thus be a matter of a conscious or unconscious psychological contract between the partners and for a wide range of conditions. Both contract types impose a responsibility on the partners. The person who shows trust has thereby made a choice and is himself responsible for it. The person who breaks a trust is also responsible for it. The difference is simply that with the unconscious psychological contract the responsibility is unspoken and unconscious. In couples therapy, we thus work to make the psychological contracts conscious and healthy.
In the event of a failure, your partner’s image of you and your judgment cracks at the same time as the partner’s image of his own judgment (of you and the outside world) cracks. In a fine word, trust is an expression of interpersonal responsiveness – that we relate critically and reflexively to the outside world and the partner, with an agreed form of morality. However, it may sound crazy to talk about judgment, whose trust is characterized by the absence of doubt. But trust is not the same as naivety, blind faith or indifference. Before we choose to have trust, we always make a conscious and unconscious form of emotional and mental assessment.
The subjective reality
Trust is thus largely based on how and what we perceive (perceive) and what we feel, think and feel along the way, as well as what ideas we form about the future. It can be difficult to know what is right and what is not. Reality is subjective, as Kierkegaard would have said. This means that, in principle, there is both your (perceived) reality and your partner’s (perceived) reality at the same time. It is therefore easy to get up and argue about what is right and wrong, while at the same time it is ok to be confused.
Listen to your senses
You can always go back to your senses and feelings – they don’t lie! You see and feel what you see and feel. Therefore, start from that, try to make it specific, find out where it comes from and put it into words. In the first instance towards yourself and in the second instance towards and in dialogue with your partner. If you share your experiences, perceptions, concerns and wishes, you are already well on your way to understanding each other, recognizing and approaching each other and building trust in each other. As a couples therapist, I often help the partners in couple therapy to have an open, honest and direct dialogue. Many find it difficult, but once they have tried, they are quickly convinced that honesty is love.
Me, my world view and trust
Through our experiences we form a view of the world. Some of us see our world as more or less favorable. Those of us who see the world as less favorable often tend to be questioning, judgmental, and skeptical—which others (especially those who see the world as more favorable) may perceive as less trusting. Those of us who see the world as more favorable often tend to be more listening, accepting and gullible – which others (especially those who see the world as less favorable) may perceive as more trusting (and perhaps even naive). Couples therapy seeks to create a better understanding of the partners’ view of the world as well as being in and acting in the world.
Depending on how we perceive our position in relation to the two poles of worldview, we can exhibit two different types of behavior in each of the two poles. It thus provides four ways of being in and acting in the world. Through greater understanding and transparency, we and our partner’s behavior becomes more understandable, acceptable and predictable. We can thus become both more trusting and trust-inspiring. Below is a brief outline of the four behavioral typologies. It may sound a little technical and caricatured, but just by reading this and the below, you may already be able to begin to place yourself and your partner. If you want further clarification and understanding of each other’s differences, you can have a test done.
Behavior in an unfavorable world: Those who see the world as less favorable and who have a stronger mental position may more often see challenges and obstacles to overcome, while seeking to change, manage and control things as a link towards self-creation results. Those in the same pole, who have a less strong mental position, most often relate critically, analytically and cautiously to the world around them, where they try to a greater extent to work within established rules, frameworks and guidelines in order to create quality and accuracy.
Behavior in a favorable world: Those who see the world as more favorable and who have a stronger mental position may more often see opportunities and resources that can be used, while also seeking to involve, influence and persuade others to cooperate towards results and recognition. Those in the same pole, who have a less strong mental position, often have an appreciative and inclusive attitude towards the outside world, where they try to cooperate more towards stability and the status quo.
To be trustworthy
Some people are immediately trustworthy and others are even trustworthy. Being trustworthy means that I arouse your trust and that you immediately find reason to believe in me, without having experience or a historical data base (evidence) to support this.
There are many factors that make us find the other person/partner trustworthy. In couples therapy, I help the partners to find out what is trustworthy and trustworthy for them and how they can balance it in a healthy and non-manipulative way.
Four confidence-inspiring factors
For most people, there are four factors that repeat themselves in a confidence-inspiring style. That the other person/partner is:
1) Unequivocal (that you are direct, clear, quickly get to the point and mean what you say and do what you say),
2) Open (that you are immediate and enthusiastic and say and show what you feel, think and mean – like an open book),
3) Reliable (that you are detailed, conscientious, can be counted on, keep your promises and say B once you have said A) and
4) Acceptance (that you are accepting – calm, listening, patient, appreciative, appreciative, caring, stable, predictable and loyal).
All four factors can arouse and create a basis for trust in your partner, but it is often one of them that is more significant than the other three factors. If you are interested in getting to know yourselves and each other better, as well as targeted training in optimizing your communication, it is possible to have a test prepared, which can be supplemented with a free communication catalog, for each of you – it will be able used both privately and professionally.
After all, it is first and foremost about finding the style that inspires the most confidence in your partner and then using it in a healthy way. Not to manipulate, but to avoid straining yourself. Next, you need to know your own style so as not to be lured astray. We feel like giving others what we ourselves want and sending on the same frequency that we ourselves want to receive on. And it is not certain that it is the same as your partner’s preferences.
Three confidence-inspiring virtues
The ancient Greeks also mention three basic and general virtues as:
- Phronesis (showing professional competence, intelligence and wisdom),
- Eunoia (showing benevolence) and
- Arete (that one exhibits character, firmness of character and uprightness).
If we have to trust another person incl. the partner, we must therefore be able to perceive a certain level of competence (the person concerned can), some degree of goodwill (the person concerned will) and that there is a reasonable connection between the two (firmness of character).
To be trustworthy
Trustworthiness, on the other hand, is not something immediate, but something you earn. Trustworthiness arises and is strengthened (or re-emerges) only after you have trusted the partner without (or with negative) experience (evidence), take a chance and learn that the partner is (or is again) worthy of your trust – trustworthy.
Unfortunately, sometimes we experience missteps and relapses with the partner, which is why trust is broken. Either by accident, misunderstanding, restraint, misguided consideration or in bad faith.
As a rule, it is rooted in a failure in dialogue and boundary setting – it can be rooted in the trust in the partner himself, in that the partner has not had the confidence to say yes and no or to say what the partner wants and does not.
If this is the case, couple therapy will focus on openness, honesty and boundary setting. In this way, couples therapy can help to strengthen your and your partner’s self-confidence, dialogue and problem-solving skills, which is preventive in the long run.
What now – couple therapy consultation?
Trust is like an eraser,
it gets smaller and smaller,
after every mistake.
If the damage has occurred, the same applies as usual. first aid:
Stop the accident – First aid – Get treatment.
Q&A about adultery
Articles with practical answers about adultery
In the article series with answers about adultery, you can read more about:
- What is adultery?
- Why does adultery occur?
- What are the signs of adultery?
- What are the consequences of adultery?
- How is grief handled by e.g. infidelity?
- How to forgive adultery?
- What do the statistics say about adultery?
- What do catchphrases and quotes say about adultery?
- First aid guide for infidelity.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis and change there is a learning and an opportunity. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen and online, helps worldwide clients, couples, families, teams and managers to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
At Parterapi-parterapeut.dk you meet Kasper Larsen, mba. He is from 1966 and EAP/EAGT examined psychotherapist and certified couples therapist and sexologist. Kasper has over 30 years of experience and ongoing continuing education at Master’s level under the approval of the American Psychological Association.
He specializes in infidelity and, as something special, he has over 15 years of specialist experience in online therapy by telephone and thus runs a global online business in coaching and psychotherapy. He is fluent in Danish and English as well as German, French, Norwegian and Swedish.
Kasper Larsen has been self-employed since 2002. Before that, he was a top management consultant in the largest consulting houses. As a therapist, he has, among other things, work in social psychiatry and with professional alcohol treatment. For private individuals, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers, among other things, psychotherapy, imagotherapy, family therapy, couples therapy, sexology, access bars body processes and alcohol treatment. Supervision, coaching and courses are also offered for businesses.
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Blog with free tools, ebooks and articles about infidelity…
What are the signs of infidelity?
How does infidelity occur and is there even a formula for infidelity?
What are the six primary causes of infidelity?
The diagnosis and anatomy of infidelity
The two main and three underlying factors of infidelity?
Should I say that I have committed adultery?
What are the consequences of adultery?
How to heal the pain after infidelity?
How to move forward together with couples therapy after infidelity
Free guide to getting over infidelity
Avoid infidelity and end the old relationship before a new one
Trust, confidence, mistrust and infidelity
Relationships, finances, lies and infidelity
Emotions and ditital infidelity
Addiction and digital infidelity
Kasper Larsen, mba
Examining psychotherapist with certification in couple therapy and specialty in adultery.
Certified coach specializing in mindset, paradigm shift, quantum leaps and turnarounds.
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