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Kasper Larsen, cert. coach and exam. psychotherapist cert. with a specialty in couple therapy Post-graduate training as a sexologist, family therapist, alcohol therapist, mentor, supervisor and consultant. Specialization in problem solving, communication, relationships, relationships, cohabitation, sex life and infidelity. 25 years of experience with relational and psychological crisis, grief, development and change processes
Read more about psychotherapy and couple therapy in Copenhagen Valby at www.parterapi-parterapeut.dkCommunication, language use, relationships and couple therapy

Psychological communication > Use of language > 5 tips for wording

• I, you, man, we
• Why, how
• But, and
• If
• Right now

Free toolbox for communication in the relationship and in couples therapy

Below are five practical and effective tips for communication in the relationship. The five tools can be used both in your couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk and in your own process at home.Formulation and language use in the relationship

• 1. Say ‘I’ instead of ‘you’, ‘we’ or ‘you’
• 2. Ask ‘how’ rather than ‘why’
• 3. Use ‘and’ instead of ‘but’
• 4. Be careful with ‘if’
• 5. Use the phrase ‘right now’

With the use of language below, you improve communication with appropriate wording. Then you will have effective communication in the relationship and become better at avoiding and solving problems in the relationship. Most people also learn that these tips can also be used in professional relationships, such as at work.1. Start the sentence with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’, ‘we’ or ‘you’

• OF

Inappropriate: You are annoying.
Purposeful: I let myself be annoyed by…

By starting the sentences with ‘I’ it is ensured that you are talking about yourself and for yourself. When ‘you’ is said, the risk is that you cross the other person’s boundaries (get into the other person’s lunch box) and talk about the other person instead of yourself. It can seem confusing, intrusive, overbearing, criticizing, accusing, judging, condemning, defining, moralizing and educating. Which most often leads to resistance, defense, explanation and counterattack. Especially when the index finger is lifted at the same time. You language can also lead to you getting projects on behalf of the other person – how the other person should be, do or live their life. At least it can quickly be perceived that way. Regardless of whether the index finger is lifted or not. Conversely, the I-language can support what in couple therapy is called IKV (non-violent communication or giraffe language).

You language simultaneously removes focus and responsibility from the sender himself (how you feel and don’t feel) and what is important to the sender himself (what you want and what you don’t want) or leads to the sender projecting yourself (the unconscious and the unwanted) into the receiver. There are very few people who react positively to it as well as to having something pushed on or imposed on them. You language can also lead to a form of abuser role with wolf language as a result.

When you language is used instead of I language, the focus quickly becomes the other instead of oneself. Then the risk is that the sender avoids noticing, talking about and taking responsibility for himself. This can lead to avoidance and self-disruption. If that is the case, the sender risks preventing himself from self-regulation – from getting himself what he wants.

It can be hard, but if you’ve fallen into the you-are-the-ditch or the you-you game, you can replace ‘you’ with ‘I’ and say the phrase a few times to yourself while you scrutinize it simply could have a grain of truth. Because then you are closer to the solution. For example ‘I am angry’ versus ‘You are angry’. If you can say it and feel it, maybe you can also take responsibility for it. If you can take responsibility for it, you have the opportunity to do something about it, which you are angry about, for example, and get better (self-regulation). Then you are no longer a victim of the partner or the situation, as you partly take responsibility and partly get the problem within your own circle of control.

In couple therapy, the phenomenon often manifests itself as discussions rather than effective self-regulation. Of course, not everything can be achieved, changed or fixed, so say to yourself: Let me have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to see the difference.

• MAN

When sentences are started with ‘man’ instead of ‘I’, both sender and receiver often enter a man mode. When ‘I’ disappears from the sentence, the sender also disappears from the equation and becomes nobody – a man. Thus, the sender’s responsibility for and effect of what is said disappears. The Man language is very confusing, because it can be almost impossible to hear who is speaking and who the sentence is about. Man language may sound diplomatic, but it is not appropriate and transformative in the relationship.

In couple therapy, the phenomenon often manifests itself in one or both parties speaking very academically, politically, intellectually, hypothetically or fabulously – which is also contactless.

• VI

When sentences are started with ‘we’, the sender and receiver often go into a we mode. It is reminiscent of a form of symbiosis or confluence, where the responsibility of the sender and receiver disappears at the same time as a fusion occurs with the parties to the conversation and the content. In couples therapy, I call the we language the big Bermuda triangle. Because it is almost possible to make everything disappear between two chairs and into thin air with the we language.

‘We’ is an amalgamation of ‘you’ and ‘I’. With the we language, it becomes difficult to be different – ​​as two individual people and partners in the relationship. In special situations it can feel nice and be good, but it blurs the boundaries and dynamics in the relationship. If there is no room to be different, it will be difficult with the process around disagreement and discussion incl. to agree on an overall solution or to agree to disagree.

In couples therapy, the phenomenon often manifests itself in the fact that one or both parties have forgotten themselves and/or have begun to guess and read minds and to take too much responsibility for the other or too little for themselves. Some even use the we and man form to vent frustration between the side legs, pick on each other or passive-aggressively throw mud. In other relationships, they have completely stopped talking about disagreements and conflicts in a total absence of arguments. Although it sounds paradoxical, the solution is often to become a little more selfish and direct and to look at one’s own behavior and personal development. For those who never argue, the solution is often to become better at arguing.2. Ask ‘how’ rather than ‘why’

The word ‘why’ perpetuates and often creates more problems than solutions. It points backwards as well as the problem and a culprit. It can keep the parties in the problem frame. Some would also claim that looking backwards also limits creativity – rather than thinking outside the box and in new solutions. If you want to know more about the causes, reasons and values ​​behind, for example, a certain action and behaviour, it is fine to ask ‘why’. Insight can be nice, but it rarely leads to a solution in itself and more often ends up accusing, criticizing or coaching in a pushy way. Most regress to childhood when they hear the word ‘why’. It is reminiscent of attacks, scolding and criticism, such as when they peed in their pants or drew on the wall and were asked why they did this or that. The unconscious automatic reaction will be a negative physiology as well as explanation, defense and counterattack. If your ‘why’ is coaching, teaching or educating, then it is not appropriate in the relationship, as it creates a skewed (asynchronous) relationship (one up/one down or helper/helpless). Then it is better to be direct, honest and responsible.

Instead, ask ‘how’. It leads directly to a solution-oriented field and bypasses the discussion around problems, mistakes, stupidity and guilt. Remember that there is no reality. If there are two parties who have experienced a situation, there are also guaranteed to be two different experiences, positions and angles on the situation – that is, two realities. Changing each other’s reality will be both wrong and offensive. The parties each individually experienced what they experienced and that experience cannot be discussed or changed – it is as it was seen, heard and felt. When we ask ‘how’, for example in ‘how do we secure ourselves…’, we guide ourselves into the solution framework and stimulate the creative, positive, dialogic, forward-looking and creative in our brain. It leads faster, easier, easier and more smoothly to practical solutions – rather than discussions.

In couple therapy, the phenomenon often manifests itself in the couple getting stuck in endless and recurring discussions about what is right and who is right. Because they never finish discussing, find a solution, or feel heard, the couple keeps returning to the point of contention, escalating their temper every time the feeling or problem situation resurfaces. It can be very exhausting and negatively self-reinforcing. Especially when the negative gets stuck on the glasses and overshadows the positive (Negative Sentiment Override / NSO).3. Use ‘and’ instead of ‘but’

The word ‘but’ works for most people like an eraser. It deletes and cancels what has been said shortly before, such as ‘I think you have cleaned well, but…’. Then recognition falls to the ground at the same time as it turns into a discussion, rejection or withdrawal. If ‘and’ is said instead, both parties immediately put on the positive yes-hat, which makes them open and willing to listen while the whole message sticks. For example: ‘I think you have cleaned well and it would be even better if…’. It can be very difficult and sound strange at first. It must be practiced until it becomes incorporated and natural, like a habit. You can, for example, train on your e-mails by dragging them into a word processing program and performing a search-and-replace of all buts to ands. Read your email twice. Over time it starts to make sense, look right, sound nice and feel good.

In couples therapy, the phenomenon often manifests itself in the parties interrupting each other or simply sitting and waiting for the men and shutting down as soon as it comes and going on the defensive.4. Be careful with ‘if’

The word ‘if’ is fine enough… if you mean it. In this way, you show a limit, a requirement and a consequence at the same time that it is effective communication. What comes after ‘if’ in the sentence is the requirement (K1) and what comes after ‘then’ is the consequence (K2). For example ‘If you cheat on me one more time (K1), I will leave you (K2)’. K1 and K2 can be positive or negative – if/if not…, then you get kiss/itch. And as you know, reward works better than punishment.

Often, however, ‘if’ risks becoming just an unconscious platitude in everyday language, where it has a completely different and inappropriate effect. It becomes a threat and creates inconsistency and a bad atmosphere (minuses on the account of emotions). The rule is: If you place a K1, you must always place a K2. And when you have set a K1 and it is realized, then K2 must also be executed. Otherwise it will be like shouting ‘the wolf is coming’.

In couple therapy, the phenomenon often manifests itself in the couple threatening each other without responsibility or consequence. It becomes passive-aggressive. The parties lose seriousness and trust in themselves and each other. The mood often alternates between anger, sadness, anxiety, shame, guilt and indifference.5. Right now

The statement and the addition ‘right now’ can save most relationships. That addition to your sentence helps make your statement non-deterministic. For example, as in the question ‘Do you want to have sex with me?’. If the answer is ‘No’, it quickly comes to sound very dismissive, deterministic, definitive, indisputable and fixed. In this way, the couple gets to talk generally and forward-looking about their here-and-now. So ‘right now’ can help bring yourself and your partner present and into the moment. The answer could thus be ‘No thanks, not right now.’ The question could also be rephrased to ‘Do you want to have sex with me, today, tonight or right now?’. This makes both parties aware that it is about right now and not all the time in the future.

In couples therapy, the phenomenon often manifests itself in the parties feeling rejected, hurt, bored, angry and misunderstood, and that they withdraw and protect themselves or reject. They thus quickly come to live a parallel and distanced life in the relationship, where neither of them dares to take the initiative.Are you stuck?

If you are stuck in some of the above or similar linguistic communication patterns and are perhaps interested in what lies behind, personal development and a better couple relationship, couples therapy may be an option.

By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis there is an opportunity and a lesson.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen helps turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
The above principles are also used in professional coaching by  ErhvervsCoach® .

Consultation in couples therapy

You can read more about couple therapy at  www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk .

Or book a consultation appointment for psychotherapy and couples therapy on tel. 61661900.

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Kasper Larsen
Coach, psychotherapist, sexologist, family and couples therapist in Copenhagen Valby
Copyright © Kasper Larsen, 2014. All rights reserved.

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