- Opposites Attract
- Right and left brain hemispheres
- When two become four
- How in practice
Opposites attract
Opposites attract or as they say in English – opposites attract. At the beginning of the relationship, it’s nice and you feel complete when you complement each other. Then it gets frustrating. He is perhaps more detail-oriented, analytical and logical. She is perhaps more holistic, impulsive and emotional. Or vice versa – as a couples therapist, I experience through my couples therapy practice that it is not necessarily gender-specific.
At first, the difference is practical and supportive. Since when the crush wears off, she (in the example above) laments his lack of spontaneity, emotion and dialogue. And he gets frustrated by emotional fluctuations and lack of solution orientation. She thinks he is focused on thoughts and moving forward and he thinks she is focused on feelings and stuck in the past.
What is more tempting than complaining and trying to change the other person? Yes, it should just be to conform and try to be like the other – to get peace and avoid conflict and divorce. Both parts are critical, because it is rarely the differences that are the conflict. The conflict arises to a greater extent because dialogue, responsiveness, understanding and inclusiveness disappear and because people are trying to smooth out the differences. Either it explodes and the couple ends up in divorce or they choose to suffer in silence – miserable married / living together apart (married but separate lifestyle). This typically leads to a form of depression that no one can endure and which ultimately ends in divorce anyway.
The method below helps you deal with the rational/logical, the relational/emotional, the experimental/creative and the practical/acting.
Emotional or rational
For many couples, couples therapy primarily helps to get the word out that one is, for example, more rational and that the other is, for example, more emotional, as well as to come to an acceptance of how it is and what it means for the relationship. If you are interested in experimenting a little more with it yourself before you possibly contacts a couples therapist for couples therapy, you can take the test below and continue in a dialogue about what it means to you and what opportunities it gives you: http://www.brain-entertain.com/emotional-rational-test/en/
The two hemispheres of the brain
It is a bit simplistic to divide us into creatures with a preference for either being rational or emotional. So let’s try to unfold it a little and take a closer look at the brain as a concept.
Roughly speaking, the brain consists of two halves, with the left hemisphere controlling the right side of the body, and vice versa. The two hemispheres of the brain are also effectively organized so that they each have their own specialisation. It is very individual how we use our brain and some utilize the left hemisphere more than the right, or vice versa. Which of the following descriptions do you best recognize yourself and your partner in?
Left Hemisphere – The Logical Brain:
Controls the right side of the body, Uses logic, Facts, Detail-oriented (from detail to whole), Words and language, Present and past, Mathematics and research, Knowledge, Analysis, Comprehension, Knows the name of things, Pattern perception, Analysis, Strategies, Practical, Security…
Right hemisphere – The creative brain:
Controls the left side of the body, Uses emotions, Imagination, Holistic (from whole to detail), Symbols and imagery, Present and future, Philosophy and art, Faith, Intuition, Meaning, Knows how things work, Spatial perception, Imaginative, Sees possibilities, Impulsive , Chances…
Are you mostly dominated by the same or opposite brain hemisphere? What does this mean for your relationship, daily life and for the relationship? What does this mean for how you communicate and solve problems? What does this mean for how each of you wants to organize and live your life? It can potentially present many opportunities as well as problems. As a couples therapist, through couples therapy I meet most couples who have problems because of the differences. But in couples therapy, there are, however, almost as many couples who have had problems because they perceive, think and act too alike. One category has too much dynamism and the other too little.
If you get curious, you and your partner can, for example, take the test below. Maybe it gives rise to a good conversation. And maybe that and the talk puts the finger on the sore point, which can then be softened a little. If you are stuck, you are of course welcome to book a consultation. http://braintest.sommer-sommer.com/en/
When two become four
Some divide the two cerebral hemispheres into two further quarters – an upper mode (a front half) and a lower mode (a back half). It allows for further understanding of where we ourselves and our partner are in a given situation. So there are four ways of being in the world. This creates the opportunity for an exciting dynamic in the relationship. In couples therapy, this insight has helped many couples to understand, acknowledge, support and challenge each other in a better way. Through this knowledge and couples therapy, many couples have also become better at communicating, solving problems and relating to each other.
Left hemisphere:
Front left hemisphere:
The left hemisphere thus contains a half with an Upper mode, which is also called the Rational Self (the quarter with the What questions). What characterizes the upper-left is logic, analysis, critical sense, realism, facts and numbers/crowns/quantitative.
Rear left hemisphere:
And a half with a Lower mode, with the so-called Practical I (the quarter with the How questions). What characterizes the lower-left is organization, reliable/conservatism/order, detail, sequence/order, planning/risk management and action/execution.
Right hemisphere:
Front right hemisphere:
The right hemisphere thus also contains an Upper mode, which is called the Experimenting Self (the quarter with the why/why not questions). What characterizes the upper-right is holism/metaphorical sense, visualization/imagination, derivation/synthesis/integration, curious, intuition, risk-taking/surprise.
Rear right hemisphere:
And one half with a Lower mode, the Relational Self (the quarter with the Who questions). What characterizes the lower-right are the interpersonal, empathetic, supportive, communicative/learning, speaking/expressive/musical, kinesthetic (body and movement) and the emotional.
How in practice
In couples therapy, as a couples therapist I often meet couples who have come to a standstill and who can benefit from making better use of this dynamic. Or we are talking about couples where the tension level has become too high. What they have in common is that they lack insight, handling tools and training. In the busyness and pressure of everyday life, it can be difficult to remember and navigate the theory, but through couple therapy, with the support of the couple therapist, you can gain insight, language and routine, which you can use when the waves are high at home. In couple therapy, it is therefore an important tool with which I, as a couple therapist, help the couple to create better communication, interaction and balance.
In practice, you can see the four areas of the brain as four domains that must all be visited before you can, for example, talk something through, plan something or solve a problem. Try to see each of the four areas as a lens through which you see and discuss the problem, before moving on to the next domain and ending with the fourth. It can be difficult in practice, so at least try to answer the four Hv questions. And when you have finished, you can check by looking at the problem and the solution through the above four lenses, each with their own descriptions, and ask each other if the essentials have been included.
In this way, you get through both the rational/logical (what), the relational/emotional (who), the experimental/creative (why/why not) and the practical/operational (how).
What now
As a couples therapist, through couple therapy I can help you with dialogue, responsiveness, insight, understanding, recognition, acceptance and inclusiveness. Next, an appropriate handling of differences. And finally teaching and training in the above tools with the aim of better communication, interaction and problem solving.
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk.
If you want couples counseling or a consultation in couples therapy, call 6166 1900.
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