- Why does adultery occur?
- Why do we cheat on our partner?
- What are the typical causes of infidelity?
- In which types of relationships is there a risk of infidelity?
- Why does infidelity happen again and again?
- Infidelity, should I stay or divorce?
- Infidelity, can the marriage and the relationship be saved?
Article: 6 types of reasons and relationships at risk of infidelity
Below please find an English summary.
Questions and answers about adultery
This is an article in the series of answers about infidelity.
At the bottom of the page you will find links to the other articles in the series.
You are welcome to print, bookmark, email and share this article.
Also see the blog and website for press, press kit and press info .
Are you seeking couples therapy for infidelity?
If your relationship is at risk of infidelity, then there is good reason for concern. Because it is one of the worst crises in the relationship. There is therefore good reason to investigate things and read more – here, on the blog and on the website. It can be a good occasion to stop, take stock and reflect on the relationship and the future. On the website, there is also a free relationship test as a reflection and dialogue tool.
You can also book a party check, where you can get professional support for the dialogue, an opinion on the matter and more tools. But immediately click here on infidelity or call 61661900 for couples therapy if the damage has been done. Remember it’s never too late. Neither to prevent infidelity nor to save the relationship and the family after infidelity.
Reasons for infidelity and grounds for seeking couples therapy
Adultery often has an erotic aspect, but is rarely about sex. Infidelity can, for example, also be about feelings, confidentiality and money – in the form of, for example, emotional infidelity or financial infidelity. Not all infidelity occurs because of relationship problems, but if there are not already problems in the relationship, then in any case, infidelity creates such serious problems in the relationship that it requires couples therapy.
Infidelity is both shocking and provides an opportunity to shake the bag.
Infidelity can be a stumbling block that can be turned into a stepping stone with couples therapy.
Infidelity shakes the relationship to its foundations and opens up a new, open and honest dialogue about the relationship, which has often been lacking before. Although infidelity is a crisis, many couples experience precisely that infidelity suddenly opens up contact, dialogue and sex life. But not always. Other times it is quite the opposite. If couples therapy is followed up, the marriage, the relationship and the family can not only be saved, but developed and grown. In this way, stumbling blocks in couple therapy often become stepping stones in the relationship.
Most of the time we don’t communicate.
We just take turns talking without listening to each other.
Most relationships quickly slide into an everyday life in the hamster wheel of the treadmill, when falling in love is over and when house, children and career press on. At the same time, the routine takes over. It goes beyond reflection, communication, creativity and problem solving. At the same time, the relationship, mentalisation, empathy, closeness, love and intimacy are damaged. In this way, it becomes clear that there are problems in the relationship. But since it happens gradually, the couple rarely feels it themselves – until it is or is about to be too late and at the last minute to seek couples therapy.
In a way, infidelity often becomes an unconscious and inappropriate way to compensate and solve relationship problems. Of course, responsibility must be taken, spoken out and cleaned up. It is rarely useful to try to change the partner. You must start by looking at yourself and then work together around the challenges in the relationship. Couples therapy is therefore not just couples therapy, but psychotherapy with two adults in a relationship who are both interested in getting better with themselves and each other.
Here are the 6 reasons for infidelity
As a coach and psychotherapist specializing in couple therapy, through more than 10 years of experience I have seen a fixed pattern, with six common causes of infidelity:
- Infidelity based on shyness of conflict
- Infidelity based on challenges with vulnerability
- Infidelity based on challenges with intimacy
- Infidelity based on a split self-image
- Adultery based on sex addiction
- Infidelity based on an escape route from the relationship
The six types of relationships with a risk of infidelity
If your relationship is one of the 6 types below, there is a high risk of infidelity and good reason to maintain, strengthen and develop the relationship with couple therapy, image therapy and/or sexological conversation therapy to avoid infidelity, crisis and grief.
Infidelity based on shyness of conflict
This form of infidelity is rooted in a lack of contact as well as a lack of confrontation, reconciliation of expectations and self-regulation. This stems from the fact that the parties avoid problems, conflicts, discussions and arguments and that they do not get to talk about their differences and different values. So, walks around the hot porridge and sweeps the problems under the carpet.
This results in them not sharing with each other (sharing) and the intimacy disappears. The relationship and sex life become gray and a flat routine – instead of lively dialogue and co-creation. Both will eventually feel lonely. However, talking about things can seem too risky. So paradoxically, in order to save the marriage, the relationship and the family, one or both parties seek dialogue, responsiveness, understanding and intimacy outside the relationship.
The party who commits adultery in these cases is often careless. It is typically about them unconsciously wanting to be discovered, in order to bring the problems to light and to work with the relationship and themselves. When both parties take responsibility and responsibility for their conflict avoidance, with couples therapy there is a high probability that they will get over the infidelity – further together in a more authentic, dynamic and satisfying relationship.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen also helps couples to become better at arguing and to raise and tolerate a higher level of conflict. And on the Blog about relationships, love and couple therapy you will find four free tools to get better at arguing.
Infidelity based on challenges with vulnerability
These couples are the opposite of the conflict-phobic, who argue too much. For them, the disagreements, conflicts, discussions and arguments are almost a method to create contact, life, dynamics and tension in the relationship. But it’s often a superficial and unhealthy way of connecting and arguing that rarely leads to real solutions, progress and growth. It’s more arguments for the sake of arguments, contact and drama.
Both parties are in reality too vulnerable to open up and to have a more intimate and authentic contact. Instead, there is often a great need to be right and to prove the other person wrong or wrong. There is often an argument about the subjective perception of reality. It leads to a psychological role-play instead of authentic sharing and contact. In reality, there is no real contact and no one really listens to each other.
This often leads to more strife, hurt, protection, isolation, loneliness and vulnerability, as well as a growing belief that the partner does not care, listen or care. As above, there is a risk that one seeks to have one’s needs met outside the relationship through infidelity. It can lead to a revolving door relationship, with repeated episodic infidelity on both sides (even) and a constant mood of breakup.
If the couple seeks couples therapy and realizes that the infidelity and relationship problems are rooted in the fear of vulnerability, openness and intimacy, there is a possibility that they can get out of the arguments and the I-am-right-and-you-am-wrong game. Then a more authentic, close and nourishing relationship can be created.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen also helps you to become better at arguing in practice. And on Blog about relationships, love and couples therapy you will find a free toolbox with 13 techniques for better arguments.
Infidelity based on challenges with long-term intimacy
This form of infidelity is a variation of the vulnerability-phobic infidelity – no. 2. Here, the unfaithful party often has difficulty with long-term relationships and partnerships, incl. handling the different phases and problems in a long-term relationship. After the romance, novelty and freshness wear off, it often becomes too boring, heavy and difficult or unmanageable. A new partner or an affair therefore appears easier, enticing and more opportune – until this relationship also becomes everyday.
It can take time, require many episodes and several breakups, before it is recognized that there are challenges with long-term relationships and intimacy. These situations require a special form of couples therapy, where psychotherapeutic work is done with the psychology of both parties, the joint dynamics around the mutual reactions and support for retention. If you are open to insight and development as well as tolerant of a long-term psychotherapeutic and couple therapy process, there are, on the other hand, great benefits to be reaped. Otherwise, it is possible to clean things up with couple therapy and close down with divorce therapy / farewell therapy.
Infidelity based on relationships with split self-images
The unfaithful partner is determined in his image of the good family, the lovely relationship and the perfect partner. But they also love their lover. They were probably never meant to have an affair. Often something that ‘just’ happened. The perfect (but split) self-image incl. the perfect image of the partner and the relationship is important to them. But it is perhaps more what they are in love with – than the partner himself. The deeper feelings have probably never really been checked out and developed. It becomes more of a ‘should be’ relationship.
After a long time, they suddenly and completely inexplicably fall in love with someone else. The problem, however, is that they are still married to the idea of the perfect family and therefore continue on both tracks, playing on two horses. It can take a long time before it is discovered and often it is the lover who reveals the infidelity.
That, and the long-term affair-like relationship with the lover on-the-side, is often very painful. That and even the infidelity will typically be the first focus of couples therapy. Next, couples therapy is about getting to know the authentic partners and feelings and developing an authentic and deeply felt relationship with more intimacy. If you are open to insight and development as well as tolerant of a long-term psychotherapeutic and couple therapy process, there are, on the other hand, great benefits to be reaped. Otherwise, it is possible to clean things up with couples therapy and close down with divorce therapy / farewell therapy.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen also helps you to keep the spark and flame of your relationship and sex life lit. And on Blog about relationships, love and couples therapy you will find two free exercises and 36 questions that can ignite the spark and make you fall in love again – when you are ready for it.
Adultery based on sex addiction
Adultery based on sex addiction is a special form of adultery. It must be handled in approximately the same way as general. addiction treatment (such as alcohol addiction or gambling addiction) using relational psychological addiction treatment in combination with couples therapy.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen has worked with both addiction and co-dependency since 2006. In short, most sex addicts feel a form of inner emptiness, which they repeatedly fill with, for example, flirting, excitement, sex and infidelity. It requires personal psychological weaning and restructuring of the relationship.
Since the partner of the sex addict often consciously or unconsciously overlooks the infidelity, what is called co-dependency also occurs. That is why Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen often works with both parties at the same time, so that the whole system and its dynamics are included in the psychological treatment. So that the system will not maintain or oppose, but support the joint development.
If you are open to insight and development as well as tolerant of a long-term psychotherapeutic and couple therapy process, there are, on the other hand, great gains to be made for both parties. Otherwise, it is possible to clean things up with couples therapy and close down with divorce therapy / farewell therapy.
On Parterapi-parterapeut.dk’s website about sexuality in the relationship, sexologist and sexological conversation therapy, you can read more about sexological couple therapy and find a free sex addiction test.
Infidelity based on an escape route from the relationship
Infidelity, as an escape route from the relationship, often starts as a diversion or soothing of the silence, emptiness, loneliness and pain in the relationship. But infidelity as a way out of the relationship typically serves the clear purpose that the partner must discover the infidelity and immediately seek a divorce. It often happens after many years of emptiness and pain in the relationship, because you have had small children and have waited until they were adults or because the unfaithful partner does not manage to file for divorce himself.
These couples often come to couples therapy with the hidden agenda that the deceived party simply needs help to get over the crisis, the pain and the sadness of the infidelity and the divorce. In these situations, psychotherapy in the form of couples therapy is both good and effective. But it’s a waste of time if you don’t give a clear flag. At the same time, the couples therapist can imagine that the parties want to save the relationship, which will then be directly countertherapeutic for the process.
Then it is better to immediately say that it is about crisis therapy and divorce therapy / farewell therapy. Conversely, the relationship can often be saved with long-term psychotherapy and couples therapy, if the couple is interested and open to it.
Effective concept in couple therapy for infidelity
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen has over 25 years of experience in crisis, grief, development and change, as well as more than 10 years of experience in couple therapy around infidelity. Based on this, several options are offered as well as an effective concept in couple therapy around infidelity.
- 6 x couples therapy with a discount the first time and an additional discount when purchasing a clip card
- Free test, relationship test and infidelity test the first time when paying per mobilepay
- Free first aid and self-help guide for infidelity
- Free eBook with clip card when paying by mobilepay
- Free tools, blog, feeds, articles and first aid guide
- Long education, many courses, high-level supervision and several toolboxes
- Possibility of supplementary psychotherapy, couples therapy, imagotherapy and sexological conversation therapy
Summary in English
Couples therapy with speciality in infidelity, crisis, grief and development.
3 states of infidelity and adultery
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen has discovered six types of relationships with high risk of infidelity, adultery, affairs and cheating. If you find yourself in one of below six types of relationships there is a risk of
- Potential risk of infidelity – intentional/planned/in progress
- Actual but concealed infidelity – ongoing or stopped
- Actual and acknowledged infidelity – committed and admitted, ongoing or stopped
6 types of relationships with high risk of infidelity and adultery
- Conflict avoidant relationships
- Conflict seeking relationships
- Long term relationships with intimacy/infatuation/drama issues
- Relationships with partners with splitting self-images
- Relationships with sex addiction
- Infidelity and adultery as an escape hatch
Read more about couples therapy in English or Danish in Copenhagen or on Skype.
Q&A about adultery
Articles with practical answers about adultery
In the article series with answers about adultery, you can read more about:
- What is adultery?
- Why does adultery occur?
- What are the signs of adultery?
- What are the consequences of adultery?
- How is grief handled by e.g. infidelity?
- How to forgive adultery?
- What do the statistics say about adultery?
- What do catchphrases and quotes say about adultery?
- First aid guide for infidelity.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis and change there is a learning and an opportunity. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen and online, helps worldwide clients, couples, families, teams and managers to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
At Parterapi-parterapeut.dk you meet Kasper Larsen, mba. He is from 1966 and EAP/EAGT examined psychotherapist and certified couples therapist and sexologist. Kasper has over 30 years of experience and ongoing continuing education at Master’s level under the approval of the American Psychological Association.
He specializes in infidelity and, as something special, he has over 15 years of specialist experience in online therapy by telephone and thus runs a global online business in coaching and psychotherapy. He is fluent in Danish and English as well as German, French, Norwegian and Swedish.
Kasper Larsen has been self-employed since 2002. Before that, he was a top management consultant in the largest consulting houses. As a therapist, he has, among other things, work in social psychiatry and with professional alcohol treatment. For private individuals, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers, among other things, psychotherapy, imagotherapy, family therapy, couples therapy, sexology, access bars body processes and alcohol treatment. Supervision, coaching and courses are also offered for businesses.
Consultation in psychotherapy and couples therapy
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk .
Or book a consultation in psychotherapy, couples therapy and sexology on tel. 61661900 .
Tips for the relationship and love
Facebook: www.facebook.com/parterapi.parterapeut
Twitter: www.twitter.com/Parterapeuten
Instagram: www.instagram.com/parterapi
Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/parterapi
Read more about couples therapy…
Couples therapy Couples
therapist
Read more about adultery…
On the website you can read about infidelity and the three phases you must go through to get over the infidelity crisis safely:
Infidelity • Crisis • Stabilization • Development
Under other services, you can read more sexology , psychotherapy , image therapy , family therapy , access bars body processes and access bars body courses as well as stress, anxiety & depression , grief , alcohol and adult-child of alcoholics . In the menu you will also find more about e.g. supervision and coaching .
Blog with free tools, ebooks and articles about infidelity…
What are the signs of infidelity?
How does infidelity occur and is there even a formula for infidelity?
What are the six primary causes of infidelity?
The diagnosis and anatomy of adultery
The two main and three underlying factors of infidelity?
Should I say that I have committed adultery?
What are the consequences of adultery?
How to heal the pain after infidelity?
How to move forward together with couples therapy after infidelity
Free guide to getting over infidelity
Avoid infidelity and end the old relationship before a new one
Trust, confidence, mistrust and infidelity
Relationships, finances, lies and infidelity
Emotions and ditital infidelity
Addiction and digital infidelity
Kasper Larsen, mba
Examining psychotherapist with certification in couple therapy and specialty in adultery.
Certified coach specializing in mindset, paradigm shift, quantum leaps and turnarounds.
© Kasper Larsen, 2021. All rights reserved.