- Warning signs of infidelity
- Signs of adultery
- Behavior in case of adultery
Article: When are there signs of infidelity?
Questions and answers about adultery
This is an article in the series of answers about infidelity.
At the bottom of the page you will find links to the other articles in the series.
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Are you seeking couples therapy for infidelity?
If you wonder about or worry about infidelity, maybe that is a signal in itself?
It can be a good occasion to stop, take stock and reflect on the relationship and the future. On the website you will find a free relationship test as a tool for reflection and dialogue. You can also book an initial consultation, as a party check, where you can get professional support for the dialogue, an overview of the case and more tools.
But immediately click here on infidelity or call 61661900 for couples therapy if the damage has been done. Or read more below if you have doubts about infidelity in the relationship. Remember it’s never too late. Neither to prevent infidelity nor to save the relationship and the family after infidelity.
What are the classic signs of infidelity?
When talking about signs of infidelity, they can be divided into three groups:
- Warning signs of infidelity
- Signs of adultery
- Behavioral change in adultery
Warning signs of infidelity
Warning signals are indications that something is wrong in the relationship, which poses a risk of infidelity. For example, that things are not going so well – that there are challenges, problems or conflicts.
It is Parterapi-parterapeut.dk’s experience that in everyday life it typically manifests as a lack of closeness, distance, rejection, withdrawal, lack of interest, little initiative, poor listening, lack of recognition, concealment, frustration, arguments, anger, disappointment, hurt, bitterness, grudge, coldness and separate living.
In short, that one or both parties do not feel loved and valued as well as seen, heard, recognized and taken seriously.
It goes beyond dialogue, problem solving, emotional and sex life, and represents gaps that can be filled elsewhere and in other ways, such as flirting, sidestepping and infidelity.
However, the general signs are rarely unequivocal or direct causes and evidence of infidelity, but important warning signs and in themselves good reasons to seek couples therapy .
Warning signs of infidelity
Signs are small signals that something irregular or covert is going on in the relationship.
We can pick up these signals per intuition (gut or sixth sense) or sensing (factual and behavioral observation).
Many clients in the couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk report that they had a feeling of infidelity for a long time. However, most people who examine their intuition and senses early on can find small things and behavioral changes (see below) that are concrete enough to talk to their partner about. Before doing this, you should consider whether you want to:
a) take the direct route and talk about the observations themselves (however, this can quickly arouse suspicion and be perceived as an accusation with defense or counterattack as a result if it is not done correctly – the couples therapist can help with this), or
b) the more indirect way and talking about you, the relationship, the relationship, love and sex life (this will typically and to a greater extent be perceived as interest, recognition, commitment, initiative and problem solving).
Although much takes place on an unconscious level, both parties therefore have the opportunity to take responsibility and call guard. Both if there are owls in the bog, something you don’t get yourself or if you can see that the other person is frustrated.
It’s not necessarily an excuse, but it’s human to put on blinders, ignore the signals, think that it’s going to work out, to focus on the practicalities of everyday life and fantasize that things will get better soon or that it’ll just go away.
Behavioral changes in adultery
How to detect infidelity? Most people actually know it well. They have already caught the small and less visible signals such as declining interest, distance or a feeling that the partner has withdrawn and given up. Which in itself is a good reason to seek couples therapy. But there are also the more practical and classic signs of infidelity.
For most people who cheat, their behavior changes in one or more practical and visible ways. Below are a few examples that have been seen in connection with adultery. Please read them with caution and tolerance. It is human, but rarely helpful to act anxious, distrustful, jealous, negative and controlling.
It is often better to talk about the relationship, how you feel and what you want as well as what you experience and what it really means – instead of spying, fantasizing, interpreting or concluding.
Since a lack of conversation is often part of the problem itself, dialogue, trust, reassurance, openness and honesty are typically a highly topical element in couple therapy around infidelity. When one party receives insufficient information as well as conflicting signals and messages, it can be very frustrating and leave too much to the imagination. Remember that we always communicate on three levels – energetically, verbally and non-verbally.
As a last resort, some end up hiring a private detective or checking each other’s SMS, email, Facebook profile, account statements, bank account, GPS, etc. – and get answers that way, but then it’s often too late and inappropriate. Then it is better to hire a couples therapist to help with dialogue, clarification, correction, development and prevention of the relationship in case of infidelity.
Examples of behavioral changes in adultery
- Get separate accounts and credit cards
- Converts to cash and other payment methods
- Suddenly spending more money in an unusual pattern
- Buys new clothes, underwear, jewelry and cologne
- Buys more or more expensive gifts for strangers, others, themselves or you
- Dressing differently and becoming more vain
- Spends more time on appearance, changes hairstyle or starts intimate shaving
- Spends more time on cleanliness, body and sports
- Refuses to let you do his laundry or insists on being the one doing the laundry
- Spends more time on SMS, mobile, email and internet
- Has the mobile or PC monitored, locked or protected
- Your partner becomes more private and less talkative
- Your partner becomes more self-absorbed and withdrawn
- Is less at home and present
- More out, get more overtime, meetings and travel activity
- More business trips, courses, conferences and lectures
- New transport, travel patterns and habits
- Accidental or sudden overnight stays and bills for hotel stays
- Spends weekends or holidays alone or with ‘friends’
- New associations and leisure activities
- Cafe visits, restaurants, parties, city trips and alcohol, tobacco or other new habits
- Becomes more impulsive and makes more swings
- Get new personal hobbies, leisure interests and friends you haven’t heard of before
- A new special friend or facebook friend
- Sudden contact with an old friend or flame
- New close collegial relationships and gatherings such as an innocent cup of coffee
- Stays out longer when there is a company party or party in the association
- Only at home the next day, without contact and silent upon return
- Need to help a friend or colleague more often
- Disjointed, contradictory or repetitive accounts and stories
- Concealments, omissions, generalizations, blackouts, distortions and lies
- Accusations that it is you who is wrong, is wrong or remembers wrongly
- Changes mood, attitude, attitude, vocabulary and speech
- The partner gets inspired and starts talking about other topics than usual
- Your partner becomes critical and negative towards you (self-defense)
- Your partner may suspect or accuse you of cheating (self-defense)
- Your partner suddenly becomes satisfied or stops complaining about you and the relationship
- Your partner suddenly becomes positive towards you and packs away the problems
- Your partner shows little or no jealousy, almost no matter what
- The partner becomes different in his contact and relationship and relationship with you
- Lack of and evasive eye contact and physical contact
- At times, your partner does not respond, is late or absent from your messages and calls
- There are sudden periods when you cannot get in touch with your partner
- Your partner suddenly seems or expresses confusion about himself, the relationship and life
- Your partner suddenly becomes unsure of you and has to go into a prolonged wordless thinking box
- Your partner changes habits and rhythm around dialogue, touch, intimacy and sexuality
- Your partner gets new sexual behaviour, sexual practices and new positions in bed
- You or your partner suddenly get sexually transmitted diseases and infections
- The partner suggests an open relationship or encourages sex with others
How you deal with the signs of infidelity
Turn your focus of infidelity on yourself
Can you spot adultery? Will the truth come out? Do you want to expose your cheating partner? Are you going to say that you yourself have been unfaithful? Should you keep your mouth shut when your friend is cheating? It’s basically about how you feel, what you can live with and what kind of future you want to create. You can read more about these questions in an interview by Eurowoman , which I took part in on 20150315.
Keep the socket when the warning lights are on
However, the issue is not only about spotting the partner’s signs of infidelity. It is at least as much about maintaining the relationship at home as with couples therapy
It is important to know your own wishes and limits, incl. when you think something is strange, uncomfortable and wrong or if something is starting to approach a slippery slope, an inclined plane or a danger zone.
So, focus on yourself, the relationship and the future, rather than your partner. Then you stay within your own boundaries, you are master of your own house and avoid becoming distrustful, jealous or controlling more easily.
The own relationship with adultery
The above focus also applies to your own relationship with infidelity. Have you yourself been tempted to cheat? A sign of infidelity can be that you yourself are more or less consciously considering or have considered infidelity – a contact, a flirtation, a cup of coffee, a date, a fling or an affair. Perhaps you have already talked too deeply, danced too closely or kissed a colleague?
So, do you know your own little signs and signals of infidelity? Where are your thoughts and feelings? Do you know when and how you might be tempted to commit adultery, and how to say no to adultery? If the relationship is not going so well and you are in the danger zone of being tempted to infidelity, maybe your partner is too?
Misconceptions about adultery
Do you know both your own and your partner’s limits for infidelity? It is important to know your partner’s as well as your own limits for infidelity, talk about them and make clear agreements.
It can be difficult and many only do it when the infidelity has occurred. They think it is embarrassing at the start of the relationship, but couples therapy by a couples therapist specializing in infidelity can be a great help here.
Many of those who have committed adultery report to Parterapi-parterapeut.dk that they did not know their partner’s limits for infidelity well enough and that they therefore ‘came to’ exceed them.
Others apologize in the same connection, saying that it came unconsciously, as a smooth transition and often helped by alcohol. In the following article from Q.dk, based on answers from Askmen.com, you can read more about some of the things you should be aware of regarding adultery.
Q&A about adultery
Articles with practical answers about adultery
In the article series with answers about adultery, you can read more about:
- What is adultery?
- Why does adultery occur?
- What are the signs of adultery?
- What are the consequences of adultery?
- How is grief handled by e.g. infidelity?
- How to forgive adultery?
- What do the statistics say about adultery?
- What do catchphrases and quotes say about adultery?
- First aid guide for infidelity.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis and change there is a learning and an opportunity. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen and online, helps worldwide clients, couples, families, teams and managers to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
At Parterapi-parterapeut.dk you meet Kasper Larsen, mba. He is from 1966 and EAP/EAGT examined psychotherapist and certified couples therapist and sexologist. Kasper has over 30 years of experience and ongoing continuing education at Master’s level under the approval of the American Psychological Association.
He specializes in infidelity and, as something special, he has over 15 years of specialist experience in online therapy by telephone and thus runs a global online business in coaching and psychotherapy. He is fluent in Danish and English as well as German, French, Norwegian and Swedish.
Kasper Larsen has been self-employed since 2002. Before that, he was a top management consultant in the largest consulting houses. As a therapist, he has, among other things, work in social psychiatry and with professional alcohol treatment. For private individuals, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers, among other things, psychotherapy, imagotherapy, family therapy, couples therapy, sexology, access bars body processes and alcohol treatment. Supervision, coaching and courses are also offered for businesses.
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You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk .
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On the website you can read about infidelity and the three phases you must go through to get over the infidelity crisis safely:
Infidelity • Crisis • Stabilization • Development
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Blog with free tools, ebooks and articles about infidelity…
What are the signs of infidelity?
How does infidelity occur and is there even a formula for infidelity?
What are the six primary causes of infidelity?
The diagnosis and anatomy of adultery
The two main and three underlying factors of infidelity?
Should I say that I have committed adultery?
What are the consequences of adultery?
How to heal the pain after infidelity?
How to move forward together with couples therapy after infidelity
Free guide to getting over infidelity
Avoid infidelity and end the old relationship before a new one
Trust, confidence, mistrust and infidelity
Relationships, finances, lies and infidelity
Emotions and ditital infidelity
Addiction and digital infidelity
Kasper Larsen, mba
Examining psychotherapist with certification in couple therapy and specialty in adultery.
Certified coach specializing in mindset, paradigm shift, quantum leaps and turnarounds.
© Kasper Larsen, 2021. All rights reserved.