- Should I say that I have been unfaithful
- What considerations should I make before I say that I have been unfaithful
- How should I confess my infidelity?
Article: Should I tell you that I have been unfaithful?
Questions and answers about adultery
This is an article in the series of answers about infidelity.
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Are you seeking couples therapy for infidelity?
If you have questions and concerns about infidelity, there is probably a reason for it. It can be a good occasion to stop, take stock and reflect on the relationship. Read more below, on the blog and website. There is also a free relationship test here. Or book a single consultation, like a party check, and get an overview of the matter. But stop the accident and immediately click on infidelity or call 61661900 for couples therapy if the damage has been done. Remember it’s never too late. Neither to prevent infidelity nor to save the relationship and the family after infidelity.
Background for the article
As a couples therapist specializing in infidelity, I am regularly interviewed about couple therapy, infidelity and questions like the above. Most recently in DR Aftenshowet on 24/08/2015 in the broadcast about adultery in connection with hacking and leaking of the adultery website Ashley Madison. You can find the broadcast at: www.dr.dk/tv/se/aftenshowet/aftenshowet-2015-08-24
The availability of the broadcast is limited in time, with below you can read more about the considerations that I refer to in the TV broadcast. And on the website you can read more about infidelity and couples therapy
The starting point for what you say and what you say about adultery
As a starting point, it is a difficult question to answer – whether you should confess that you have been unfaithful or not. There are also many practical factors to consider. In the end, it must depend on a subjective and individual assessment. In many ways, it is a question of what you and your partner want and can live with as well as what you do not want and cannot live with.
I am not an advocate of lying, but I am also not an advocate of telling every truth – at any cost. Generally speaking, I think that what you say to your partner must meet three criteria: 1. It must be true. 2. It must be loving. 3. It must be useful. I therefore suggest that you carefully consider for whose sake you are saying it, what you are saying and why you are saying it – i.e. the purpose of it.
Nor does it serve to share all the details. Never invite each other into the bedroom of the infidelity and share the details from there. It can be tempting to ask and difficult to avoid answering. But keep in mind that the images created by the stories are almost impossible to erase again from the mental retina.
Your own problems around the infidelity
Simply telling your partner that you have been unfaithful, in order to get rid of your own guilt and shame about the infidelity, may not be the best idea. It usually doesn’t work either. It often requires a forgiveness process, which I also help the parties with through couple therapy.
In any case, I think that in that case you burden your partner with two things: 1. The infidelity and 2. Your own problems surrounding the infidelity. It is better to separate the two tasks. So that, separately or together with a psychotherapist/couple therapist specializing in infidelity, you treat your own problems surrounding the infidelity – if you do not confess. If you confess – it is better that you go through the processing process together in couples therapy.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes before confessing the infidelity
If it is about a confession of infidelity, in addition to the above, I would suggest that you try to put yourself in the partner’s place and consider what and how much the partner would like to hear and what reactions it will create in the partner. Most immediately go into crisis, with the first phase being shock. The shock phase is typically very individual and chaotic with both quiet and violent reactions. The shock phase typically lasts a few days and it is an advantage that you ride it out together. As soon as the shock is over, it is smart to seek a couples therapist specializing in infidelity as soon as possible.
The practicalities surrounding the confession of adultery
When it comes to the practicalities of confessing adultery, you should consider being concise and specific. You must always be able to stand by what you say, so that you never have to change your explanation. You have already lost your trustworthiness, so now you must do everything to at least be trustworthy.
You should also consider the context – when and where you say it. Most people prefer a private, safe and secure setting, such as the home and without the children present, where they both have the opportunity to react, ask questions and talk through. When, is typically about considering the situation/life situation for your partner and yourself.
It doesn’t make it any easier if you say it just before your partner is about to take an exam or a job interview. Or Monday morning on the way out the door. Then it might be better on a Friday night, so you have the weekend to talk together and get through the worst by yourself and alone. And when you have landed on Monday morning, call and book an appointment for couples therapy, if you agree.
Imbalance in the message and dialogue around the infidelity
A perverse effect that you should also bear in mind is that you who confess to infidelity are often clarified at the same time that the person who hears about the infidelity is suddenly thrown into chaos. It can be incredibly difficult for the sufferer to suffer so much and at the same time see the other so calmly. Therefore, also show your own feelings – anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, remorse or whatever. So the partner can see that you are not only cool, but also have a hard time.
Because it is my experience that most people who have committed adultery, even if they are settled, have a really hard time. Typically, both parties have had a difficult time for a long period beforehand. Infidelity rarely happens by itself, alone or without there having been problems in the relationship in advance – around, for example, communication, recognition, closeness, sex life, finances, work, housing, children, alignment of expectations and the psychological contracts.
Psychological factors surrounding the confession of adultery
Psychologically and technically, there are also some conditions you should take into account regarding the confession of infidelity. It typically hits hardest if you are caught in the act. Second hardest if it is a third person who reveals the infidelity. Third hardest, if you admit it under pressure and long-term refusal or lying. And least harsh if you yourself and unprompted confess that you have been unfaithful. The process and couples therapy around the infidelity will typically also be less burdensome afterwards.
Differences in the psychology of infidelity
At the same time, there is a big difference in whether it is, for example, completed or ongoing, long-term or short-term, physical or emotional, whether you have kissed or not, whether you are in love or not, whether it is with one or more partners, whether you have used a condom or not, whether the other person was prettier or younger, whether the other person was smarter or richer, whether the other person is married or single, whether it was with an old flame, a colleague, a friend or a family member of the aggrieved party, whether it is only you or whether others also know and whether it has been with someone of the opposite or same sex…or a prostitute.
Most people want to know who it is and don’t like to walk down the street or anywhere else without knowing who it is. So if you’re not going to say who you’ve cheated with, what’s the point? Who is it that you protect and is it good or necessary? It will typically be a choice between two evils, but the question is which is worse.
Clarification and prevention against adultery
It is very individual and the limits can be very individual. It can therefore be advantageous to talk about boundaries, values and norms early in the relationship. Also for the reason that many seek me out as a couples therapist for couple therapy around infidelity, solely for the reason that they have exceeded their partner’s infidelity limits because they did not know them well enough. In addition, it can be advantageous to talk about what to do and what you want to know in which situations.
The preferences can be very different. Some live in polyamorous relationships and others in monogamous relationships. For some one is ok and for others not. Some will know and some won’t. Some want to know everything about the infidelity and others only the minimum. It is thus better to take the dialogue up-front and preventively. If the infidelity consists, for example, in a copier bang while drunk during a Christmas lunch and the affair/side jump is over, then there are some who would rather be without knowing about the infidelity.
If it’s a drug-rape like situation, many will surely know and want to cooperate about it. Others may be on their way out of the relationship. Then the partner who is left behind may not exactly need news of infidelity. Others, again, want to know at all costs because they will feel like they have been living a lie if, after 15 years of marriage, they suddenly find out that their partner has cheated on them. Some live parallel lives with a lover/partner on-the-side. For themselves too, perhaps it was better to choose a side instead of being unfaithful.
Another thing is that for some it can be a strain on the mind to go it alone. Because in order to live with it, the mind may tend to slowly begin to accept the infidelity. It can also quietly start to push the perception of what is right and wrong and acceptable and unacceptable. So, the unfaithful person can slowly start to imagine that it is ok and thus repeat the infidelity.
Relationships in trouble
Don’t postpone the problems. Get an appointment for couples therapy right away. Call or write via the website if you have questions or want a consultation. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers full-time private practice since 2002 and has a flexible concept. If it is urgent, you can get time within a week. If it is urgent, you will come immediately. Get couples therapy without waiting.
Q&A about adultery
Articles with practical answers about adultery
In the article series with answers about adultery, you can read more about:
- What is adultery?
- Why does adultery occur?
- What are the signs of adultery?
- What are the consequences of adultery?
- How is grief handled by e.g. infidelity?
- How to forgive adultery?
- What do the statistics say about adultery?
- What do catchphrases and quotes say about adultery?
- First aid guide for infidelity.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis and change there is a learning and an opportunity. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen and online, helps worldwide clients, couples, families, teams and managers to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
At Parterapi-parterapeut.dk you meet Kasper Larsen, mba. He is from 1966 and EAP/EAGT examined psychotherapist and certified couples therapist and sexologist. Kasper has over 30 years of experience and ongoing continuing education at Master’s level under the approval of the American Psychological Association.
He specializes in infidelity and, as something special, he has over 15 years of specialist experience in online therapy by telephone and thus runs a global online business in coaching and psychotherapy. He is fluent in Danish and English as well as German, French, Norwegian and Swedish.
Kasper Larsen has been self-employed since 2002. Before that, he was a top management consultant in the largest consulting houses. As a therapist, he has, among other things, work in social psychiatry and with professional alcohol treatment. For private individuals, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers, among other things, psychotherapy, imagotherapy, family therapy, couples therapy, sexology, access bars body processes and alcohol treatment. Supervision, coaching and courses are also offered for businesses.
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Blog with free tools, ebooks and articles about infidelity…
What are the signs of infidelity?
How does infidelity occur and is there even a formula for infidelity?
What are the six primary causes of infidelity?
The diagnosis and anatomy of infidelity
The two main and three underlying factors of infidelity?
Should I say that I have committed adultery?
What are the consequences of adultery?
How to heal the pain after infidelity?
How to move forward together with couples therapy after infidelity
Free guide to getting over infidelity
Avoid infidelity and end the old relationship before a new one
Trust, confidence, mistrust and infidelity
Relationships, finances, lies and infidelity
Emotions and ditital infidelity
Addiction and digital infidelity
Kasper Larsen, mba
Examining psychotherapist with certification in couple therapy and specialty in adultery.
Certified coach specializing in mindset, paradigm shift, quantum leaps and turnarounds.
© Kasper Larsen, 2021. All rights reserved.