What does the Internet mean for the relationship and the family?
More and more people ask me as a family and couple therapist about the influence of the internet on privacy. What is normal and not as well as what is the solution and what is not. There are of course no clear answers to this, but below is a comment and reference to some of the articles that can currently be found in the area.
Some tell me in my practice as a family and couples therapist that they are online and dozing off all the time and that it disrupts their presence and togetherness. Adult contact is not least important for the children, as it is a significant source of their development. For the adults as well as others, it is simply what validates the relationship and creates quality of life and meaning. But they are not attentive, available and available. They miss real contact and joint activity. They curse it and their devices far away. They experience it as a straitjacket and feel like addicts. It can be one extreme.
Another extreme is the clients who make an online policy or who balance it in other ways and consider themselves happy and cannot function at all without their smartphones and the ten online synchronized google calendars their patchwork families have for themselves, the children and their exes. A web of electronics that makes their day efficient and flexible and helps them organize alone time and shared time. Outside as inside, physical as not and domestic as recreational – task solving, interaction, shared experiences, laughter, play and learning. For them, it is an important technology in their coexistence and interaction, which helps them move in and out of human contact and community in a busy and complex everyday life.
How common is it?
Most people agree that the Internet is here to stay and that they are practically dependent on it. In 2013, 73% of Danes went online daily via PC, while 46% used a mobile phone and 32% used a tablet. This is a doubling of the level from 2011, which is considered by many to be the breakthrough year for mobile internet use. Source: DR media development 2013. And regarding online dating, according to a Gallup survey carried out for Berlingske in 2011, 38% of Danes are ready to find a partner via online dating, while up to one in four have already used online dating. In addition, the conclusion of an American study from the University of Chicago, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS) and mentioned in Time Magazine, is that online relationships last longer than relationships that began in the traditional way.
What can you do?
There is no right or wrong answer, but the power of habit is great and we reflect each other – the children not least. It’s about what works for you. However, there is one thing that does not work and that is compromises. It is probably very opposite to what most people are brought up to do, but in family and couple relationships, Compromise = Kiss of death. This corresponds to one party wanting cold and the other wanting hot water, after which, as a compromise, you mix the cold and hot water – nobody gets what they want! There are many options, but in reality only alternative and that is negotiation. But a psychological negotiation and not a negotiation as you know from the business world, for example. As a family and couple therapist, I teach psychological negotiation and help families and couples through family and couple therapy to find out what they want, to express it in a respectful (assertive) way, to create an appreciative dialogue and to negotiate on a healthy way. For some, awareness through articulation and dialogue is enough. For others, it is useful to have, for example, a statement of values, norms, agreements, house rules or a policy as a guideline.
Various articles
The Trajano family hang together online
http://politiken.dk/forburgogliv/digitalt/ECE2303854/familien-trajano-haenger-sammen-online/
Almost all 13-year-olds are on social media
http://politiken.dk/forburgogliv/digitalt/internet/ECE2253672/naesten-samtlige-13-aarige-er-paa-sociale-medier/
Social media binds separated siblings together
http://politiken.dk/forburgogliv/livsstil/familieliv/ECE2178205/sociale-medier-binder-adskilte-soeskende-sammen/
Children are scared on the internet
http://politiken.dk/forburgogliv/digitalt/internet/ECE2269856/boern-bliver-skraemt-paa-nettet/
How to ensure that your child does not see anything harmful
http://politiken.dk/forburgogliv/livsstil/ECE2220259/saadan-sikrer-du-at-dit-barn-ikke-ser-noget-skadeligt/
Here are five things you should not post on Facebook
http://politiken.dk/forbrugogliv/digitalt/digitaltguider/ECE2277021/her-er-fem-ting-du-ikke-boer-laegge-paa-facebook/
Everyone monitors their children on social media
http://politiken.dk/forburgogliv/livsstil/familieliv/ECE2037035/hver-anden-overvaager-deres-boern-paa-sociale-medier/
Online relationships last longer
http://sondagsavisen.dk/2013/23/onlineforhed-holder-laengere.aspx
Many have committed adultery via the internet – social media, adultery sites, dating sites… Cyberspace and #addiction #infidelity #parröhd
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Kasper Larsen, mba
Examining psychotherapist with certification in couple therapy and specialization in infidelity and crisis.
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