- Effective communication through better listening
- Listening and mentalizing
- Three factors of listening
- Five effective listening styles
A difficult thing and a few initial practical advice
The first duty of love is to listen.
Paul Tillich.
Listening can be a difficult task. Some talk so much that the partner doesn’t get a chance to say anything and others only listen to what they are thinking. Some are in a completely different place, in the future, on a journey in the past or considering the next step.
In Danish, they often say: “That there is a reason why you have two ears and only one mouth.”. In English you say, for example: “LISTEN & SILENT are spelled with the same letters.”. It is thus both the mouth and the brain that must be kept relatively still when listening.
Listening is not just about being quiet and covering your ears, but that is of course the first piece of advice. The next piece of advice is that the person speaking makes sure that there is a gap through to the other person – that there is contact, attention, calmness and focus. It is important to maintain this, because otherwise it will fall on deaf ears.
A typical reason for the interlocutor losing attention is that the brain, like a computer, runs out of RAM. The problem with the brain is that it’s not just data that takes up our human RAM. It is also the emotions – one’s own, the other’s and the emotions evoked by what is heard. Typically 7 +/-2 pieces of information can be accommodated. In couple therapy and in relationships under pressure, it is often only one to three pieces of information that can be accommodated and remembered. Therefore, say it carefully, briefly and precisely.
Another challenge is that it is far from only the words that are listened to. Order often only counts for 7% in our listening (Mehrabian’s model). Then comes the voice (tonation) at 38% and, last but not least, the body (body language) at 55%. Your voice and body can therefore substantiate and confirm the words and sentences that come from your mouth. Conversely, if there is no agreement (congruence) between words and form, then the message becomes messy, misleading or unreliable.
Effective listening and communication through couple therapy
In couple therapy, it’s not just about being understood, but just as much about feeling heard and acknowledged. You only feel this if the listener adapts his listening style to the situation and the message, and if you can recognize and reflect yourself in the listener’s listening behavior while you are speaking. It also helps to build trust. In couples therapy, it is therefore not only about communicating effectively, but also about listening effectively. Effective listening also strengthens the process, the relationship and the interaction between speaker and listener, at the same time as it strengthens secure communication.
Listening and mentalizing in couple therapy
Listening effectively is not just listening to what the partner is saying. It is also about the ability to receive and interpret verbal and non-verbal messages and signals. Through effective listening, the ability to understand and follow the partner’s feelings, mood, basis, arguments, thoughts, wishes and intentions increases. Effective listening also provides insight into how you listen to yourself as the partner and how the partner listens to you as himself. Correctly tuned listening ensures understanding of the message and that the speaker feels heard and seen. In couple therapy, effective listening thus helps to gain insight into oneself, the partner and what happens between the partners – also called mentalisation (see elsewhere on the blog).
Three factors in listening
- The purpose of the message
- The motivation to listen
- The listening behavior itself
In practice, effective listening is about aligning three factors: the purpose of the message, the motivation for listening and the listening behavior itself. For example, if the message is entertaining, the motivation is to enjoy and appreciate and the behavior is open and relaxed. When the message is personal or a cry for help, the motivation is interest and reflection and the behavior is supportive, caring and openly questioning. When the message is an instruction (e.g. instruction, teaching or teaching), the motivation is to organize the information and to create meaning and the behavior is to reflect, ask questions and relate the message to the situation, what one already knows and what lies behind/between the lines . When the message is factual, the motivation is to acquire information and details and the behavior is concentrated and attentive. When the purpose is persuasion, the motivation is to make a decision and the behavior is analytical and critical.
There are thus many places where communication in a relationship can go wrong. For example, if the purpose of the message is not clarified and clear. For many couples, things go wrong when they do not become aware of why they say what they say or what they really want with their questions. Sometimes the message hides a question and other times the question hides a message. When the message and purpose are not clear to the listener, the listener cannot choose the right listening behavior (listening style) at the same time that the listener may be in a completely different place and tuned in to something completely different. Effective listening training through couple therapy first of all ensures an appreciative presence and secondly that you avoid misunderstandings, ambiguity, psychological games and manipulation.
The problem of listening
The problem is that even though most people are equipped with two ears from childhood with which they have learned to hear, things go wrong in the relationship when we forget to listen. We are also equipped with a mouth and have learned to speak, but in the relationship we forget to communicate. In couples therapy, there is a focus on both listening and communicating. In addition, the problem is that our concentration and attention itself constitutes a communication filter.
The attention can either be focused (the common prejudice/perception of men’s attention) or multitasking (the common prejudice/perception of women’s attention) – meaning that the attention (listening capacity) is either divided or alternating between two sources of information. It may well be that the listener, by the shared or alternating listening, means to get the essentials, but some feel challenged when they do not have the listener’s full attention.
The challenge is also that the listening capacity (attention) is greater than the speaking capacity. It leaves an excess of attention to …let the thoughts/attention drift and to listen to something else. Humans speak in general. situations and on average with approx. 150 words per minute. If the attention is focused, however, our listening capacity is approx. 500 words per minute. This leaves a surplus capacity of 350 words per minute. Depending on whether we use it and for what, or whether we remain focused, it can either support or hinder listening and communication.
Listening is therefore not just listening. Most people have probably heard of speaking the same language/on the same frequency. This phenomenon also applies to listening. In other words, we have a personal listening style. If the person we are talking to does not listen to us in the same way that we ourselves have a preference for, then we do not feel that the other person is listening. So in order to feel heard, it requires not only a listener, but also an optimal listening style in relation to the speaker and an optimal listening behavior in relation to the purpose of the message.
Two strategies
- adapt the listening style to the speaker and the message itself
- That the speaker adapts his communication to the listener’s listening style
This leaves two strategies: A) The first strategy is for the listener to adapt his listening style so that it fits better with the message and possibly also tries to adapt the listening style to the speaker’s preferred listening style, so that the speaker really feels catered for and heard. B) The second strategy is for the speaker to adapt his behavior and communication to the listening style that is the listener’s preferred and natural listening style and in this way ensure that the message gets through.
The challenge in the relationship is that it quickly becomes like the discussion about the ‘chicken and the egg’ – who comes first and who has to give in. Then it’s just important to remember that it takes two to disagree and argue, but only one to stop it and turn the situation around. What you choose is your responsibility and what the other person chooses is their responsibility. But let’s look at the listening styles.
Five listening styles
Emotional listening:
- Appreciative (enjoyment/pleasure)
- Empathic (caring/supporting)
Factual Listening:
- Wide-ranging (meaning/intention)
- Sharp (information/details)
- Evaluative (conclusive/decisive)
There are many ways to listen and many things to listen for. Most people have probably heard of active listening and listening to what the other person is saying. But you can fall into the trap of listening to your own thoughts while the other person is speaking or into the trap of thinking about what you want to answer while the other person is speaking. You can listen to the text itself (supertext) or what is between the lines and behind the words (subtext). You can listen open/expanding or closed/narrowing. One can listen for feelings or data. One can listen for one’s own enjoyment/pleasure, to provide care/support, to understand meaning/intention, to get all information/details included or conclusive/decisive.
Simplified and in relation to the aforementioned strategy A, there are a total of five listening styles, two of which focus on emotions: Appreciative (enjoyment/pleasure) or Empathic (caring/support). The other three focus on facts: Wide-ranging (opinion/intention), Sharp (information/details) and Evaluative (conclusive/decisive). The Appreciative style is used when, for example, you want to enjoy a story. The Empathetic, when your partner wants to unload or get sparring. The Wide-eyed, when your partner gives instructions or shares his or her experience. The Astute, when your partner shares important and complex information. The Assessing, when your partner wants you to deal with and decide something.
Conversely, if you choose the aforementioned strategy B, to ensure that you get through with your message, you must adapt your behavior to your partner’s listening style. If your partner’s preferred listening style is Appreciative, you must, among other things, emphasize enthusiasm, body language, tone of voice, speed and images/metaphors. If your partner is a more empathetic listener, you need to focus more on feelings, empathy, openness and patience. If your partner listens Wide-eyed, you must be logical and organized. If your partner is sharp in his listening, you must quickly get to the heart of the matter without skipping the details and be precise and methodical. If your partner is more Evaluative in his listening, you must be clear with your agenda and have the chronology and background data in order and allow discussion.
In couples therapy, you can find your listening style – the listening style that best suits you, your partner and the situation, through dialogue and exercises. You can also have a test prepared that shows your preferences and development areas in advance. In couple therapy, you can also find out which listening styles are most effective in which situations and how they can be combined.
The goal of effective communication should be for listeners to say,
‘Me, too!’ versus ‘So what?’. Jim Rohn.
Are you stuck?
It is of course difficult and complex in practice. Especially if it has turned into a power struggle, resistance and deadlock. But nevertheless, this is often what happens when the parties in the relationship do not feel heard and recognized. Then the medicine is typically the same – to listen to and acknowledge the other. But it can be difficult to give what you don’t get yourself.
If nothing else, it can open up dialogue and understanding of what the challenge or resistance is. However, many couples who seek couples therapy have reached a point where it is no longer just about being heard, spaced and acknowledged, but also a struggle to have one’s own map of reality acknowledged. In that case, the power struggle often turns into a struggle about reality and about getting it right – a struggle about whose history, perception, point of view… is the right one.
If you are stuck in some of the above or similar patterns and are interested in tools and solutions as well as in what lies behind them, personal development, development of your communicative skills and a better couple relationship, couples therapy may be an option.
Consultation in couples therapy
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk.
Or book a consultation appointment for a couple check-up, couple therapy or couple counseling on tel. 6166 1900.
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