- Why do we keep gifts from ex-boyfriends?
- Is the gift just a gift or does it end up in Pandora’s box?
- About gifts from ex-boyfriends, relationship problems and couples therapy
- About gifts, sexuality and sexological talk therapy
- About gifts, infidelity and couple therapy around infidelity
- About gifts, loss, grief, grief work, grief treatment and grief therapy
Gifts from the ex-boyfriend and relationship problems
There is basically no reason to throw away something that you are happy with and that has value. Not even a gift from the ex. Many therefore keep the gifts from the ex-boyfriend. Even if they have entered into a new relationship. But the gifts and their emotional and symbolic value can come between you and your new boyfriend and prevent you from actually letting go and moving on.
Gifts from the ex-boyfriend and couples therapy
As a couples therapist at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen, I typically experience the problem in connection with couples seeking couples therapy, where the new boyfriend constantly feels reminded of his partner’s ex-girlfriend(s) when he is confronted with the ex’s gifts. This can especially cause relationship problems if the boyfriend is a collector and has many gifts from many previous boyfriends. Especially if they are personal and intimate gifts that are worn or used close to the body. It can be, for example, jewellery, clothing or larger objects that take up space in the living room or bedroom. Sometimes, that way, many ex-lovers are present in space (consciousness) at the same time. For example, an ex-boyfriend on the finger (a finger ring), another ex-boyfriend around the neck (a necklace), a third on the arm (a tattoo), a fourth in the bedroom (a lamp, a vase … or a jar, as in the myth of Pandora’s box).
After all, everything is emotions and energy. It is thus not the object itself, but the memories, feelings and the energy that are tied up in the objects from the ex-boyfriend, which may also takes focus and comes between the partners. It can also make it difficult for the new boyfriend to settle in and take his place or give imagination and feelings that you are not welcome or even … jealousy and competition. If you experience relationship problems, it is an advantage to take it in stride with, for example, a couple check or a general. consultation in couples therapy, where you can form an overview. After this, you can continue in a short and intensive course in couple therapy on clip cards. Read more about the effective concept for couple therapy. If you are interested in insight into each other and self-insight, as well as understanding your past and origin, with the aim of recreating or creating the relationship in the first class, there is also the possibility of preventive and sustaining developmental therapy in the form of imago therapy / imago couple therapy.
Gifts, sex toys and sexological couples therapy
A particularly intimate form of gift from the ex-boyfriend can for example consist of sex toys. After all, it represents both the ex-boyfriend and probably also a special sexual practice with him, which you might would also like to continue with the new partner. It can hardly avoid creating knots in the sex life and in the relationship. Here, it is clearly best to throw these gifts away before the new partner moves in, and then buy this sex toy again with the new partner and establish this sexual practice without referring to the past and the ex. Whether the damage has occurred or not, it can be a delicate and vulnerable dialogue where Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen can offer support in the form of sexological conversation therapy / sexological couple therapy.
Gifts, infidelity and couples therapy
A particularly sensitive point in couples therapy is gifts in connection with infidelity. They can even occur long after the infidelity has been psychologically completed in couples therapy. For example, if the partner suddenly discovers that a certain ring or item of clothing is a gift from the person with whom the partner was unfaithful. Another sensitive point is if the partner discovers which expensive, beautiful and personal gifts have been given away during the infidelity. Partly because of the financial value and partly because it may be gifts and attention that the scorned before the infidelity has fervently desired. But it could also have been about gifts in the form of theater visits, dinners, weekend stays and trips, which, on top of that, may not be affordable now after the infidelity. If you have challenges around infidelity, read more about couple therapy for infidelity on the website.
Gifts from the ex-boyfriend and grief therapy
Hiding gifts from the ex-boyfriend can also deal with the challenges of saying goodbye, suffering the loss and going through the grief – i.e. a completion of the entire grieving process – so that the grieving process can be definitively completed. It can be about the direct loss and the direct sadness of having lost your ex-girlfriend – regardless of who broke up. It can also be about the loss and the sadness caused by disposing of the gift, which has both symbolic value and reminds of the ex-boyfriend. Finally, the disposal of the gift from the ex-boyfriend can evoke loss and grief in that this act also symbolically represents a final and irrevocable goodbye.
For some, the gifts are just a cherished memory and for others it can be an unconscious neurotic way of avoiding parting, separation, loss, pain and grief. Relationships are a rhythmic phenomenon that oscillates between the poles of contact and separation. Crisis, loss and grief incl. separation anxiety / separation anxiety and underlying themes around attachment problems / attachment trauma are therefore an inevitable part of relationships, family, relationships, love and couples therapy. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen therefore also offers, or in combination with family and couple therapy, relationship-oriented grief therapy and grief treatment on an attachment-based and mentalizing basis.
What should I do with the gifts from the ex-boyfriend?
If it is not a problem, then the gifts can simply be kept. If it is a problem for you, your new girlfriend or if the gifts come between you, you should talk about it or seek couples therapy. If you get rid of the gift from the ex, you must know that the memory of all the good things can still live on in the heart and that you are doing it for necessary reasons and not to throw dirt on the gifts or the ex-boyfriend.
In cases where the gift has a financial value, you can sell it instead of throwing it away. That way, you get to enjoy the money while someone else benefits from the item. There may be other middle ways, but as a couples therapist I do not immediately recommend that you, for example, forge a wedding ring into an earring, as it can still bind emotional energy and remind you of the ex-boyfriend – both for you and your new boyfriend, if he knows the background .
Couples therapy reflection questions
You have to settle with yourself: What does this gift mean to you and how does it affect you, your partner and the relationship? Will the gift come between you and what is it about? Do you find it difficult to part with the gift because it represents another loss? Is it not just a dear little memory, but is it about unprocessed or complex grief over the ex-partner? Or a final loss and a final sorrow you don’t want to suffer? So a final farewell.
Then you have to make up with yourself whether it would be better to say goodbye properly, suffer the loss, live through the pain, finish grieving and move on in your life with your new partner. Or alternatively seek grief therapy and grief treatment at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen. As above, it can also be about separation anxiety, separation anxiety, attachment problems or attachment trauma. If that is the case, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen offers individual psychotherapy as well as relational psychological treatment in the form of couple therapy, where you have the opportunity to involve, work with and get support from your partner. The most important thing is that you talk about the situation, so that you really understand each other and can find an appropriate solution that suits you both.
Consultation in psychotherapy and couples therapy
You can read more about the effective concept in couple therapy.
Or book a consultation in couple therapy, image therapy or psychotherapy on tel. 61661900.
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