- The difference between love and friendship
- The importance of friendship in the relationship
- Take the temperature of the relationship
- Tips that can make the relationship last
The supporting elements in the relationship
Friendship, passion and commitment
Friendships, passion and commitment are the three supporting elements in the relationship. You can read more about passion and commitment on the blog under Love. See The Geometry of Love . Here, the focus is on the friendship in the couple relationship.
The friendship in the relationship is a strongly underestimated factor for the experience of love as well as for the success, well-being and survival of the relationship.
There are precisely ten factors that underlie our experience of love, seven of which are based on friendship alone. Below you can therefore read about friendship and love, the difference between being friends and lovers and the dynamics around falling in love.
Falling in love in the relationship
Falling in love is a precursor to love.
When the crush wears off, many people become confused. The big feelings change and the friendship takes on a different meaning. Many thus experience a vacuum after the peak and interpret it as an absence of happiness and love, after which they think that it is not the right thing, when now they no longer feel the same as before.
There can be many reasons for this. As in the previous article, it can be reminiscent of a kind of love addiction. In my couples therapy practice, I also experience many who are pressured by the ravages of time and culture. In many ways, our society has become more goal-, result- and success-oriented. It gravitates towards narcissism, perfectionism and pursuit of happiness.
It’s as if what is more even, ordinary and everyday is not good enough. In this way, the ‘best’ often becomes the worst enemy of the ‘good’. In some ways, it becomes like a gas station culture, where opt-ins and opt-outs become short-term. Figuratively speaking, you simply drive into the nearest gas station, fill up as needed and then leave again when you have had what you needed, when it is no longer good enough or something new and more exciting appears.
This means that there will be less focus on the slightly more old-fashioned values such as friendship, confidentiality and commitment. These values are temporarily important for the well-being and survival of the relationship.
Friendship in the relationship
Friendship is a supporting element in the relationship.
Many couples simply do not understand and appreciate the friendship in the relationship, or only to a small extent. It thus often ends in conflicts due to a lack of friendly skills, after which many break up or seek couples therapy. When the concepts of love and friendship are put into perspective, however, most people make sense of and understand that
1) friendship is an important subset of love and
2) that friendship is a supporting element for the relationship.
Ten factors in the experience of love
Kieth Davis, who has researched people’s experience of the feeling of love and friendship, has come to the conclusion that the experience of friendship consists of seven factors and that these are a subset of a total of ten factors that together create the experience of love.
So in that way, you can perhaps say that friendship is an essential and supporting part of love, which with time comes to mean and fill more. But friendship is also an important factor according to RJ Steinberg’s research that can make the relationship last.
Friendship is an important factor, which means that we are more prepared to accept and accommodate each other, incl. our quirks, faults and shortcomings. What I also call loving, despite… With a base in friendship, it becomes easier to swallow camels and to communicate and solve problems. Among other things. because the friendship ensures a good tone and a good basis for cooperation in the relationship. But what are the (7 + 3) 10 factors?
The friendship factors in the couple relationship
The feeling of friendship is created by the following 7 psychological experiences:
1. The enjoyment of each other’s company.
2. Acceptance of each other as you are, without trying/desiring to change each other.
3. Trust that you want each other’s best.
4. Respect for each other’s opinions.
5. Mutual aid in emergency situations.
6. Confidentiality in personal matters.
7. A feeling of spontaneity and an experience of being free in the company.
The love factors in the relationship
The feeling of love is then created by the above seven, as well as three more:
So one to seven as well as:
8. Fascination with the other.
9. Exclusivity.
10. Erotic feelings.
Fascination in the relationship
By fascination is meant a preoccupation with the other and that you feel a joy in being together, regardless of whether and what you do. During falling in love and at the beginning of the relationship, the fascination can be experienced stronger and almost like an obsession, where you constantly think about the other person, whether you are together or not. This naturally cools down over time, but can come back or be stimulated. It is not necessarily a sign that love is gone.
Exclusivity in the relationship
Exclusivity means that it is difficult for most people to have very strong loving feelings for anyone other than the one they have chosen. This factor can also be very individual. Some manage and want to share both their love and/or sexuality with several people at once. For many it is very difficult to understand and for others, who then live in polyamorous relationships, it is completely natural.
Eroticism in the relationship
Erotic feelings also mean sexual feelings, but it often goes far beyond these. It can also simply be about a desire for physical contact and to enjoy each other using all the senses. Again, many often have stronger erotic feelings at first. Since then, it can fluctuate for several and natural reasons, without necessarily meaning that the love is gone. Some couples, for example, cannot contain sexual feelings during crises. Others have the opposite. In some couples, one partner can do it, but not the other. Regardless, sexuality can always be worked on.
Inspiration for the relationship
The above ten factors can thus serve as inspiration if you want to take the temperature of the relationship. At the same time, they can provide constructive inspiration for where and how to use it if you want to optimise, develop or revitalize the relationship. However, it is important to have a reality check on the observations you make about the factors, so that they are not misunderstood or misinterpreted. If you have decided to go to couples therapy, your observations and thoughts about the factors can be a good input for the start of your new and even better life and relationship.
More about falling in love and relationships
Read more about Falling in love .
Consultation in couples therapy
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk.
Or book a consultation appointment for a couple check-up, couple therapy or couple counseling on tel. 61661900.
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