- What forgiveness of adultery
- How do I forgive adultery?
- Methods of forgiving adultery
Article: Forgiveness of adultery?
Questions and answers about adultery
This is an article in the series of answers about infidelity.
At the bottom of the page you will find links to the other articles in the series.
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Are you seeking couples therapy for infidelity?
If you have questions and concerns about infidelity or difficulty forgiving infidelity, there is a reason for that. It can be a good occasion to stop, take stock and reflect on the relationship. Read more below, on the blog and website. There is also a free relationship test here. Or book a single consultation, like a party check, and get an overview of the matter. But stop the accident and immediately click on infidelity or call 61661900 for couples therapy if the damage has been done. Remember that it is never too late to prevent or save the relationship and the family after infidelity.
Who and what should be forgiven in case of adultery?
Forgiveness of the infidelity itself is difficult, if not impossible. But it helps to understand that forgiveness is not about forgiving the act itself – i.e. the infidelity. Forgiveness is directed towards the person (i.e. the partner and the accomplice) rather than towards the deed (Poul Leer-Salvesen, Forsoning, 2011).
What is forgiveness all about?
Forgiveness is also about renouncing punishment, retribution, revenge… for the infidelity. Forgiveness is also about letting go of the past and renouncing a better past – which cannot be undone anyway. Forgiveness is thus not about forgetting the past, incl. adultery itself. On the contrary, what was and what is is to be acknowledged and learned from. And when you are ready to let go (letting go), you can come to terms with what was, forgive and move on after the infidelity.
Infidelity and the forgiveness process
In connection with the grieving process comes the forgiveness process (see e.g. Gary Chapman’s and Jennifer Thomas’s Sorry in 5 languages). There is a need to forgive in order to let go and to move on – to set oneself and those involved free. That you essentially waive punishment. This is important, because otherwise passive-aggressiveness or a triangular drama around victim roles, abuser roles and helper roles can arise (Karpman’s drama triangle, see article about the crisis phase). In other words, situations where you may unconsciously, repeatedly and alternately, risk punishing each other and/or yourself.
Forgiveness of self in adultery
It is not necessarily only the infidelity that must be forgiven, there can be many other aspects in connection with the infidelity, such as the lies and failures, that must also be forgiven. Nor is it necessarily only the other person that one must forgive, it can also be one oneself that one must forgive. It can be difficult and sometimes you have to forgive yourself in order to forgive your partner.
Five ways to forgive infidelity
Cf. Apologize in 5 languages by Gary Chapman there are generally five ways to apologize and forgive:
- Express regret and acknowledge the feelings (I regret and am sorry that you are upset).
- Take responsibility (I take responsibility for that)
- Offer compensation (How do I make amends?)
- Show that you want to improve (I have learned… and will do/differently…)
- Ask for forgiveness (Will you forgive me?)
What works best for you is very individual. It can also be a combination. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk supports you in finding the way that works best for you.
Challenges in forgiving infidelity
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk can thus support you in finding your own solution. Forgiveness is thus rarely a quick fix, but a process that both takes time and requires active effort. Many fail precisely because and become frustrated that forgiveness does not come immediately when an apology has been said. The belittled often sits with a stone or knot in the stomach and typically also needs time and dialogue.
Forgiveness is therefore often a long road that the couple must walk together. Rushing the forgiveness process can make it worse or create a risk that something will be swept under the carpet – and problems that have not been fully dealt with tend to resurface. Not everyone can forgive everything and it may not be necessary either. You must therefore and absolutely not forgive at any cost, but waive the punishment, let go and reconcile – if you want to continue together. Below are five tips for forgiveness around infidelity and then a tip on how to let go.
Five tips about forgiveness in case of infidelity
Forgiveness begins with feeling and expressing one’s anger and sorrow. What is colloquially called the soreness. Because only when you are prepared to forgive and reconcile can you let go.
It often feels like setting a prisoner free, and the prisoner is first and foremost oneself, but also the other.
Conversely, anger, bitterness and revenge are retained, like taking poison yourself and then hoping that someone else dies.
A few practical tips for moving on after infidelity are therefore:
- Talking together about the infidelity and occasionally remembering to take breaks and do completely different things together and separately. Remember that daily life must also work.
- To be as open as possible, without violating your own or each other’s privacy. Notice where your boundaries are and whether you risk offending each other.
- Making clear agreements and keeping them – without exception. And in good time to agree on changes to the agreements if you can see that they do not hold. There is nothing like misunderstandings and broken agreements that can rip up old wounds and mistrust.
- To learn to learn to live with the infidelity incident, as a condition in your relationship. The infidelity will often be a companion long after, but over time the memory of and the reactions to the infidelity will diminish.
- Making use of the human support you can get from those closest to you, taking into account what you share with whom. It can be advantageous to agree this in advance. At the same time, be aware that they are not professionally prepared for it (nor should they have a professional role) and instead seek professional help from Parterapi-parterapeut.dk for the professional questions and the actual process surrounding the infidelity.
Infidelity and letting go and letting come
The process of forgiveness is therefore an important part of the process of letting go and setting free. When you have forgiven each other, however, there may still be something that binds you. Here it can be helpful to look inward for what absorbs, nags and binds.
For example, you can ask yourself what you need to be able to let go and move on and live the life you want. It can be anything from big to small and primary to secondary around the infidelity. It can be, for example, letting go of a feeling, something you fiercely think about, believe in, hope for and demand or the position, role, control and power it gives you to hold on to. Or something about your own identity and basic assumptions – unlucky, victim, weak, easy, naive, underdog, self-esteem…
The process of letting go and forgiving infidelity
It can be difficult to get around properly and get to the core of these issues, and if it bothers you, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk can help you during couple therapy. But when you hit, you have no doubts, it eases and gives freedom from infidelity.
In the following article you can read more about letting go and letting go . The process consists of nine individual steps that can be self-directed by the experienced client:
- 1See it (acknowledge what is there and what you feel)
- 2Say it (say it out loud to yourself / inside)
- Sense it
- Stay with it (even if it’s uncomfortable)
- Relax (slowly begin to feel the relaxation coming)
- Breathe (breathe gently and appropriately)
- Reconnect (come back and connect with the environment)
- Reframe (understand your insights in a new perspective)
- Presence (come back into the present and everyday life)
Q&A about adultery
Articles with practical answers about adultery
In the article series with answers about adultery, you can read more about:
- What is adultery?
- Why does adultery occur?
- What are the signs of adultery?
- What are the consequences of adultery?
- How is grief handled by e.g. infidelity?
- How to forgive adultery?
- What do the statistics say about adultery?
- What do catchphrases and quotes say about adultery?
- First aid guide for infidelity.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis and change there is a learning and an opportunity. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen and online, helps worldwide clients, couples, families, teams and managers to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
At Parterapi-parterapeut.dk you meet Kasper Larsen, mba. He is from 1966 and EAP/EAGT examined psychotherapist and certified couples therapist and sexologist. Kasper has over 30 years of experience and ongoing continuing education at Master’s level under the approval of the American Psychological Association.
He specializes in infidelity and, as something special, he has over 15 years of specialist experience in online therapy by telephone and thus runs a global online business in coaching and psychotherapy. He is fluent in Danish and English as well as German, French, Norwegian and Swedish.
Kasper Larsen has been self-employed since 2002. Before that, he was a top management consultant in the largest consulting houses. As a therapist, he has, among other things, work in social psychiatry and with professional alcohol treatment. For private individuals, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers, among other things, psychotherapy, imagotherapy, family therapy, couples therapy, sexology, access bars body processes and alcohol treatment. Supervision, coaching and courses are also offered for businesses.
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Blog with free tools, ebooks and articles about infidelity…
What are the signs of infidelity?
How does infidelity occur and is there even a formula for infidelity?
What are the six primary causes of infidelity?
The diagnosis and anatomy of adultery
The two main and three underlying factors of infidelity?
Should I say that I have committed adultery?
What are the consequences of adultery?
How to forgive adultery?
How to heal the pain after infidelity?
How to move forward together with couples therapy after infidelity
Free guide to getting over infidelity
Avoid infidelity and end the old relationship before a new one
Trust, confidence, mistrust and infidelity
Relationships, finances, lies and infidelity
Emotions and ditital infidelity
Addiction and digital infidelity
Kasper Larsen, mba
Examining psychotherapist with certification in couple therapy and specialty in adultery.
Certified coach specializing in mindset, paradigm shift, quantum leaps and turnarounds.
© Kasper Larsen, 2021. All rights reserved.