Apologize in 5 languages
- How to say sorry properly?
- How to best reach forgiveness?
- What is the basis of good reconciliation?
- Apologies vs. forgiveness
- The forgiveness process
- The self-reinforcing positive spiral
- Where do you start when it’s hard?
- 5 practical tips
To be able to apologize, forgive, repair and reconcile
The strongest poison to the human spirit
is the inability to forgive oneself or another person.
Caroline Myss.
Some of the most important qualities in a good relationship are being able to forgive, repair communication and the relationship, and move on. If bitterness, grudges and trench warfare arise, you risk getting stuck in the past or, even worse, repetition or retaliation. Many couples get stuck because they mistake it for excuses. It prevents them from being able to forgive themselves and each other. For several reasons, some are resistant to saying sorry – or vice versa, they apologize/complain all the time and then the apologies are misused in turn to, for example, disclaim responsibility or act recklessly. In reality, it is not about apologizing, but about forgiving.
Pardon
Without forgiveness there is no future.
Desmond Tutu.
Excuse originally and still means: To absolve from guilt. Technically speaking, however, an apology cannot absolve us of our guilt, because we are responsible for our behavior and thus our guilt (guilt) in the actions we take. But we can forgive and renounce ourselves and the partner for reprisals (retribution, punishment, self-blame, revenge…). Since then, the word ‘sorry’ has also gained meaning in the form of acknowledging one’s mistake (and thus responsibility). So, to regret, to regret one’s deeds. Eg I’m sorry I’m late. It is thus about the partners taking their own part of the responsibility and that they forgive themselves and each other – not about having to exonerate or be exonerated from guilt.
What is so difficult about forgiving is that many confuse forgiveness with apology. They believe that they must forget/cancel/downplay what happened, the other person’s responsibility and their own emotional reactions such as anger, sadness, anxiety… It’s not possible…or for that matter, healthy. What happened happened, and the feelings don’t go away by denying them. It is better to acknowledge what is and to talk about it as it is.
Dialogic process
Forgiveness is letting go of all hope for a better past.
Gerald Jampolsky.
Forgiveness is a dialogic process that is about recognition, grace and letting go. It is about seeing ourselves and each other in a compassionate, loving, spacious and realistic light. These are perhaps not exactly modern concepts in a time and in a world where much is characterized by ideals, goals, development and results with small tolerance margins for success. But we are only human! We, and for that matter our relationships, are not perfect. Although we want to do the best, things often go wrong. It can be hard to be seen and to look ourselves in the eyes, as we really are as whole people with ideals, projects, intentions and mistakes, but also a liberation. A simple tip, in order not to get caught up in perfectionism, the projects, the rigid thoughts and ideas, is first and foremost to become aware when it happens. Next, open up to other possibilities as well as variations and deviations. In practice, you can listen to and watch out for thoughts and statements such as: Should, should, need to… Perfectionism is a tough employer. If we didn’t succeed with our/each other’s projects, we often end up both disappointed with the results and saddened by the feeling that our efforts have been wasted. It is hard.
Release
I will never allow anyone to degrade my soul
by making me hate him.
Booker T. Washington.
So forgiveness not only sets the partner free, but also yourself. It makes it possible to live on. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself and the one you forgive. Forgiveness releases unnecessary ties and attachments to the past. It gives you back the power and frees you from the role of victim. Being forgiven also stimulates our own ability to forgive ourselves. So forgiving your partner is a self-reinforcing circle, through which your partner also becomes even better at forgiving you.
Sometimes it can be difficult to forgive the other person. Then it can be helpful to start with yourself. For example: Right now, I can’t forgive my husband for what he did yesterday, but I can forgive myself for getting so angry about it…and maybe, for yelling at him. In this way, you help to free yourself and (indirectly) him. It creates flexibility, movement and exchange in the field and suddenly new opportunities arise.
Classification
Forgiveness can be classified in many ways. A simple way is the great forgiveness and the everyday forgiveness. The big ones can include, for example, infidelity, and the smaller ones can, for example, include being late. A good place to start with practicing forgiveness is the everyday forgiveness. If you still find it difficult, start with yourself and the small mistakes. What can be difficult about forgiving yourself is that, for example, you believe that you must/will not repent of your actions. However, it is not about repenting, as in remorse, self-blame and shame, but about recognizing oneself and one’s deeds. It is human to make mistakes and we learn from and develop through our mistakes (experiences). You can thus be sorry for something you have done and regret it, but it does not immediately help to punish or torment yourself further. Acknowledge it and yourself and make the best of it. Be kind, polite and respectful to yourself and your partner. Love, charity and self-love are more demanding than harshness and punishment.
Apologize in 5 languages – five practical tips
Inspired by Gary Chapman’s and Jennifer Thomas’s (Sorry in 5 Languages), there are five ways to say sorry and achieve forgiveness in practice:
1. Regret: Express regret and acknowledge your feelings.
Give space to express and to acknowledge your negative, forbidden and opposite feelings.
Say, for example: I’m sorry! I am sorry that what I have done has caused you to feel anger!
Say, for example: If you discover that what you have said/done has caused the other person to feel hurt, then say: It hurts me that you are hurt. Please tell me what hurt you the most about what I said/did.
2. Responsibility: Take responsibility / your part of the responsibility.
Take responsibility for your own statements and actions.
Say, for example: Admit to yourself what you have done/said.
Say, for example: I take responsibility for that! It’s my responsibility! It is my fault!
3. Compensation: Offer compensation.
Say, for example: How do I make it right again? This can, for example, be in the form of behaviour, services or things.
Be prepared that the answer may be ultimate and beware of promising more than you want and can.
4. Improvement: Show that you want to improve.
Say, for example: I will do my best so that it does not happen again! Also tell what you intend to do.
Learn from your mistakes (experiences) so you don’t make the same mistake (deed) repeatedly. Share with each other what insights, gifts and possibly there are life lessons to be learned from the incident.
Remember: The relationship is your teacher!
5. Forgiveness: Ask for forgiveness.
Say, for example, Will you forgive me? What can I do or say that will make you consider forgiving me?
Remember to forgive yourself too. Make a list of the positive things that forgiveness will bring. Remember that it is a choice to forgive yourself. Decide that you have suffered long enough. Say it out loud to yourself and possibly Also for your partner.
Resistance, rigidity and pride
Some have difficulty saying sorry and asking for forgiveness. The challenge is most often due to misunderstandings, rigidity, pride and resistance of various kinds. The biggest misconception is that you have to bow in the dust for your partner and that you make yourself smaller by taking responsibility, saying sorry and asking for forgiveness. On the contrary, it and your flexibility make you bigger and a better person. It takes one’s strength to admit one’s weaknesses. Furthermore, we cannot learn, develop and grow if we cannot take responsibility and ownership for our mistakes. After all, we can all make mistakes from time to time. Even if you are right and your ego wants to win, consider the consequence once more and whether it is a silly argument and perhaps worth the relationship. If there is a winner, there is always a loser. Otherwise, consider whether it is better and more dignified for you to bow once if it is not possible to create a win-win situation. It can come back positively. Because when you want to bow down, maybe your partner will also bow down to you, admit his mistakes, apologize and ask for forgiveness – when the time comes.
Bitterness
When you forgive, you don’t change the past…
You change the future!
It becomes particularly complicated if bitterness first arises in the relationship. This is not rarely seen in, for example, adultery. Bitterness can be both difficult to feel and to recognize. Perhaps it is because the bitterness is a mixture of two different emotions, namely anger and loss. Only by separating these two feelings will you be able to get rid of the bitterness and resentment in the long term.
It can also help to understand that bitterness often arises in connection with grief and that there can be grief in connection with a crisis such as infidelity – i.e. in connection with some form of loss (something dear, you have lost or something desired that one did not get). In grief, there is thus both anger and boredom. However, some are so angry that they find it difficult to feel the boredom and for others it is the other way around or mixed.
So by talking about and asking about the loss and the missing, you can usually get to the anger. So first, to ask several times in detail what the mourner/aggrieved person misses and then what the mourner/aggrieved person does not miss. It can be difficult for the partners to both ask, listen, accommodate, mirror and acknowledge as well as to keep track of the process in such situations, but if you take this into account in couples therapy, the couples therapist will be able to help you.
Are you stuck?
Apologies, forgiveness processes and reconciliation are not easy. It takes time. There is also often much more in and around it than even the incident and the apology. It is therefore legal to ask for help and support. If you are stuck in a dead end in the form of some of the above or similar patterns and are perhaps also interested in what lies behind it, psychology, personal development, development of your communicative skills and a better couple relationship, couples therapy may be an option. You also know the tools around letting go – see, for example, the free guide to Letting Go.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
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