• The children are a mirror
• The children must benefit from the therapy
• Can the children come alone
Our children reflect us and we can reflect ourselves in our children
The parents react to their children. If the parents are willing to look at the thoughts and feelings that their children arouse in them, they have an endless opportunity to develop through the insights it provides.
The parents thus become better at seeing and accepting their children as the people they are. By learning through their children, they also get the opportunity to become even better parents.
Since the children also react to the parents, the children are at the same time a mirror for how the parents feel and how things are in the relationship and the family. You can read more about this and the children’s participation in family therapy below.
Can the children participate in the family therapy?
There is an expression that says:
“What children don’t hear, they don’t feel sorry for.”
In family therapy, the experience is reversed:
“What children don’t hear, they feel sorry for.”
Children see, hear and understand basically everything. Already around the age of 4, but only around the age of 7 do they begin to understand consequence. In family therapy, the children are also often the first to tell the truth.
As in the expression: “From children and drunkards, one must hear the truth.”
Often it is the children themselves who call the family therapist for the first time.
Said in another way
If you don’t know how you feel, look at your children. Because they know it. Children respond to the ancestors and the process – how things are said and done. They are sensitive and have a fine sensory radar which picks up and is affected by all the odd signals. In this way, children often bear the symptoms of what is happening in the family.
Often the children say nothing and pretend to be nothing – for a long time. It’s not because they don’t know what’s going on. On the contrary, it may be due to the fact that the adults, with their behavior (usually unconsciously), have given the children the impression that it is best to keep quiet, to pretend or to pretend that nothing happened.
The explanation is found in a psychological mechanism in children that, in short, makes the children assume responsibility and blame and that they constantly try to cooperate and help.
Particularly vulnerable are children in families where one of the parents has abusive behavior or possibly are physically/mentally ill. They often end up taking on too much responsibility too soon. It is not healthy. Neither for the adults nor for the children.
Therefore, the children must of course come along when the family goes to therapy. After all, they are part of the family and they are not harmed by hearing or talking about the problems. On the contrary, they are relieved and reassured to discover that it is okay to open up and speak out.
Taboos
It breaks down concealment and taboos and promotes openness, closeness and problem solving. This openness benefits the parents. They learn more about how it actually is and what they can do to make it better and that they develop themselves. In this way, it becomes constructive and balanced at the same time as they learn to trust what their senses tell them.
The children call the family therapist themselves
It is actually often the children themselves who call the therapist and ask for help for the family or because they want their parents to go to couples therapy. But it is not always that the parents are willing or ready. Sometimes, however, the children are so lucky that the parents are willing to pay for the children to come alone and talk about what is weighing on them. Sometimes, however, it helps if the parents know that they do not have to answer initially, but understand that the main thing is that they listen to the children.
Children are not allowed here
There may of course be situations where it is best for the children to stay home from family therapy. Eg. when it comes to parental privacy and sexuality. But the children should always be present at the first interview – to remove mystery and insecurity and to avoid secrecy.
After the first family therapy
After the first interview, it is agreed how the children’s further participation should be. Because even if children are significantly better at handling problems and conflicts than many adults think, it is crucial to remember that the responsibility for both their participation and for the family’s well-being always lies with the adults.
Composite families
Intertwined cultures
As a starting point, families are always a composite culture, based on the different origins and background of the two parents. That can pose enough challenges in itself.
Reunited families have several challenges. Divorce is costly and painful. In addition, there are two conditions. One is that the goblin often moves with it. The second is that when the parties later meet new partners, composite families arise.
That doesn’t make it any easier. Because you come with experience from one family to a new, complex and more complex family, which requires different skills.
It can also be difficult for the couple themselves, as the parent/child relationship often gets in the way of the romance and vice versa. In the midst of falling in love, it’s as if many forget that the parent-child relationship was there long before the boyfriend relationship.
It is further complicated by the fact that the child now becomes a member of two families and constantly has parents outside the family in which he is staying.
It is estimated that over 70,000 children change families every year and many children have experienced having several different stepparents throughout their lives. It makes great demands and costs time. For example, just figuring out how to keep Christmas and summer holidays together. Now it is perhaps only every other year that you are with the people you used to be with.
The relationships are something that must be created. So before you get to practice the new conditions a few times, several years have quickly passed. It requires patience. In the learning and change process, it is also important to face what are conditions and what must be accepted as well as what can be negotiated and changed.
Daily life demands planning, logistics and all the practicalities. It also places great demands on both children and adults to be able to make agreements and negotiate. Something that was perhaps not as required and complicated in the nuclear family, where the roles were also more stable.
In addition, not all divorced parties are equally good at cooperating. Some become like Real Friends, Correct Colleagues, Sour Business Partners or Fighting Warriors. It is not always easy for the stepparents either. Most often they find their place and role in the new family, but in a legal sense they have no right or duty towards the children.
We may feel powerless, but we can choose and do something active for the relationships and the family. It is the adults’ responsibility to create and lead the family, and sometimes they can feel powerless, but with responsibility they get the power back.
Can the children come alone?
Eyes can smile,
mouth can laugh,
but no one can see the pain in the heart.
Sometimes it is the children or young people themselves who want another adult to talk to in confidence. In that case it is also possible. If they are under 18 years of age, however, they must submit a declaration of consent.
Read more about Family Therapy.
Call 61661900 for personal service.
Kasper T. Larsen Certified couple and family therapist