- Get over the infidelity
- Free article on adultery
- The three stages of adultery
Article: The consequences of and the solution to adultery?
Questions and answers about adultery
This is an article in the series of answers about infidelity.
At the bottom of the page you will find links to the other articles in the series.
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Are you seeking couples therapy for infidelity?
If you have questions and concerns about infidelity, there may be a reason for it. It can be a good occasion to stop, take stock and reflect on the relationship. Read more below, on the blog and website. There is also a free relationship test here. Or book a single consultation, like a party check, and get an overview of the matter. But stop the accident and immediately click on infidelity or call 61661900 for couples therapy if the damage has been done. Remember that it is never too late to prevent or save the relationship and the family after infidelity.
What are the consequences of adultery?
Things you need to know before cheating: The consequences of cheating are many, complex, far-reaching, deep and unpredictable. It is never possible to predict the consequences, their scope and strength. They can come and go as well as swing and wave at the same time as there can be forward and backward steps for a long time. Infidelity, of course, primarily affects the deceived and the unfaithful as well as the third party, but also the family, the children, friends and the workplace.
The consequences can be personal, psychological, identity, emotional, relational, sexual, health, medical, practical, residential, financial, career, prestige and reputational. There is practically no area of us, our lives and loved ones that infidelity cannot touch and affect in one way or another. Of course, this should not be a mitigating circumstance, but in my practice at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk I have not met an unfaithful person who did not regret or who was not shocked by the consequences. And with the expensively bought insight, very few people want to commit adultery again.
Infidelity costs
For example, some have to change jobs because they work with the third party or housing because the partner has been unfaithful with the neighbour. Or car and bed because it or something else has been used in connection with the adultery. Some feel dirty and cannot bear to touch or be touched. Others may change sexual practices or orientation as a result of the infidelity. Still others get venereal diseases or become pregnant with childbirth or abortion as a result. The adultery may also have led to prostitution, coercion, violence, substance abuse problems and overconsumption.
In addition, infidelity can of course lead to breakup, divorce, splitting up, moving… incl. great financial, emotional and relational costs. Most of the parties involved typically also have sleep and concentration problems, which further affect their daily life, quality of life, performance and work.
Things you should know before you cheat
But the wounds that don’t bleed are probably the worst. So the personal, human and emotional costs – the crisis, the sadness, the hurt, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the bitterness, the grudge, the disgust, the trust, the confidence, the understanding, the self-understanding, the respect, the self-respect, the credibility, the untrustworthiness, the dignity, the unworthiness, the unreality, the unpredictability … confusion, chaos, loss of control, meaninglessness, hopelessness, abandonment … uncertainty, anxiety, stress and depression. When most people are under as much pressure as during infidelity, it also goes beyond diet, exercise and immune defense. Many also begin to eat incorrectly or too much – incl. medicines, tobacco, sweets and alcohol.
The consequences of adultery affect both parties
Infidelity hits both parties hard. That must not be forgotten. The focus is of course immediately on the deceived, but if couples therapy does not also pick up the unfaithful person along the way, then the parties will not be equal and come to eye level again. It also creates imbalance if the parties take turns appearing or taking turns to violate each other in the subsequent process. Another example is the forgiveness process. It may sound complex, but in order to get through, both parties often have to forgive themselves and each other. If one of the parties cannot forgive themselves, it will also be difficult to receive a possible forgiveness from the other. Forgiveness is not always a must, but in one way or another the parties need to come to reconciliation. Especially if they want to reunite after the infidelity.
About the unfaithful, game and open relationship
Infidelity and the double life that infidelity entails binds the unfaithful hand and foot with all the agonies, antics, concealments and lies that accompany infidelity. It is a psychological game that, of course, usually hits the deceived the hardest. Not to mention the guilt, the shame and the ambivalence of both parties – on one side and the other, the sour and the sweet, to or not to, one or the other and who, where and when… who said what to whom and did it matter or was it just a lie. A game in which the unsuspecting and faithful partner cannot avoid getting entangled.
Some cheat in secret, others in the open or with blinders over their eyes – the partner may also have put the blinders on. Some do it more or less to be discovered. For few it lasts for a while and for most it is a great challenge to live with several partners as well as in open sexual relationships / polyamorous – regardless of whether it is covered up, tolerated, concealed… or agreed and permitted adultery. So even if a couple should have agreed that it is okay to have open relationships, change partners, triangles and sexual side-steps, it turns out that at most only one party actually agrees when the agreement is put into practice.
Since human and sexual relationships are so complex and unpredictable, it is also almost impossible to make clear agreements on that level. Afterwards, most people regret it, as it causes too many unforeseen problems and too deep wounds. After which both parties regret. Over the years, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk has had many couples who, after trying it, want to return to the monogamous relationship. But it is difficult, even if you have actually broken up with each other, to know that the partner has been intimate with another person for such a period.
Who are you cheating on and what are you cheating on?
In case of adultery, there are at least three parties involved. The unfaithful, the deceived and the one the deceiver cheats with. In the case of adultery, one can therefore ask oneself the question – who are you cheating on? You can also ask – who do you believe? Most people think of another person of the opposite sex, for example, and some are surprised that it is someone of the same sex. Infidelity in itself can thus raise many questions about personality, psyche, sexuality, relationships and fidelity, but if the infidelity is with someone of the same sex, it typically also raises questions about gender and identity.
Similar feelings, reactions and psychological patterns can arise when you experience that your partner is unfaithful with ‘something’ – something else or something that comes between the parties. When you are rejected by your partner in favor of something else, such as pornography, work, leisure interests, the computer or alcohol. In principle, the intensity of the contact and the distance in the vicinity can vary throughout the partnership, even with advantage, but preferably there should be nothing sustained between the partners.
The drama of adultery
If the infidelity is not properly processed in couples therapy, it can lead to a negative spiral and further drama of rescue, help, sacrifice, sacrifice, hurt, violation, lying, deception, failure, bitterness, grudge, revenge and retaliation. Also known as Karpman’s drama triangle (a dynamic in the roles of victim, helper and abuser). In my practice as a couples therapist at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk, I often have couples with complicated and subtle psychological, attachment and behavioral patterns around infidelity, which sometimes go back generations. For example, the couple typically comes with a single incident surrounding infidelity.
When we take a closer look, there may be more and longer-lasting incidents. At the same time, there may be old jealousy and anger on the part of both, as well as previous infidelity on the part of the other party. Not infrequently, it also turns out that there is infidelity on the part of the parents and sometimes also the grandparents – other family members or friends – who have had an influence. There may thus be a deeper subculture around infidelity and a network of psychological patterns, dynamics and games that are directly or indirectly related to infidelity.
Risks of adultery
In addition to the above consequences, there is the risk of contracting venereal diseases. Many are infected by venereal diseases / sexually transmitted diseases (STD = Sexually Transmitted Disease / STI = Sexually Transmitted Infections) through adultery. But just the thought is enough to set the whole device in motion with contraception, doctor’s visits, tests and examinations incl. feelings such as alienation, impurity and hurt. It also affects sexuality and sex life for most people.
If, after the infidelity, reservations are not taken and an investigation is carried out for and possibly treatment of venereal disease, then the permanent partner and in some cases the family also risk becoming infected. As a couples therapist, I experience in couple therapy around infidelity that unfortunately there are many who are not aware enough of these issues and their psychological consequences. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk therefore also offers sexological conversation therapy to restore sex life after infidelity.
Cheating and lying
All the lies in connection with the infidelity are for many the worst. It is difficult enough to understand the situation in advance and it can take a long time to find out what the truth is. Both parties therefore have to settle with themselves how far they want to go. In the end, understanding the infidelity is like making sense out of nonsense.
Infidelity destroys trust in a relationship
Infidelity destroys trust in a relationship. One of the difficult things about infidelity is especially the lies. Lying is a social psychological phenomenon that cannot and perhaps should not be completely avoided. But the lie that comes in connection with the infidelity typically has a double effect. For most people, the discovery of infidelity is like having the rug pulled out from under them. Here it can already be difficult enough to keep yourself and your map of reality together.
When all the lies surrounding the infidelity surface – perhaps even repeatedly and over a longer period of time – it becomes extra difficult to keep track of yourself and your partner, what is true and false, when the truth is spoken and what is not, and what to believe and not. For the deceived, it is often an existential and personal crisis, where both reality and identity are strongly challenged. At the same time, we no longer know what to believe about the partner, who is now neither trustworthy (worthy of the deceived person’s trust) nor trustworthy (due to the conflicting signals).
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk therefore helps to unravel and dissolve the psychological games and to restore safe, open, sober and trusting communication. However, it can take a long time and cause painful setbacks every time a misstep is made. In addition, it can help to understand that we very rarely lie directly to be evil, but rather to protect ourselves and/or our partner – paradoxically enough.
20 reasons to lie
To give a little insight into this, below you will find a list of 20 reasons (cf. Carsten Graff and supplemented with my own experience) to lie:
1. Lying in anticipation: Lying while hoping that at some point there will be room for you to tell the truth. 2. Enthusiasm lying: Lying because you are seized by a positive feeling that you would rather pass on than the truth. 3. Lying for pleasure: Lying to avoid the person being lied to getting upset. 4. Blind angle lying: Not being able to see the truth and therefore lying in the belief that you are actually telling the truth. 5. Simplification lying: Lying to save time, for example.
6. Hopeful lying: Lying in the hope that the lie will at some point develop into a truth. 7. Shortcut lying: Lying because you can’t bear to explain the whole truth. 8. Groggy lying: Lying because you are so depressed that you don’t want to feel and tell the truth. 9. Liar: Lying because you like it. 10. Co-lying: Lying to support another person’s lie (co-dependency).
11. Caring Lying: Lying to protect others from the truth. 12. Passive lying: Lying by not saying anything. 13. Prelyve: Starting with a small white lie that can later support a big black lie/ drags a bigger lie along. 14. Performance Lying: Lying out of fear of not being 100% honest / to look better. 15. Lying around the floor: Lying because you are in doubt about what the truth is.
16. Self-deception lying: Lying while you are convinced that you are telling the truth. 17. Self-defense lying: Lying to protect oneself from other people’s reaction to the truth. 18. Self-insight lying: Lying completely consciously and with a clear conscience. 19. Aesthetic Lying: Lying to make a story fit together so it sounds good. 20. Negotiation lying: Lying in the hope of getting an outlet for one’s greed.
Q&A about adultery
Articles with practical answers about adultery
In the article series with answers about adultery, you can read more about:
- What is adultery?
- Why does adultery occur?
- What are the signs of adultery?
- What are the consequences of adultery?
- How is grief handled by e.g. infidelity?
- How to forgive adultery?
- What do the statistics say about adultery?
- What do catchphrases and quotes say about adultery?
- First aid guide for infidelity.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis and change there is a learning and an opportunity. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen and online, helps worldwide clients, couples, families, teams and managers to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
At Parterapi-parterapeut.dk you meet Kasper Larsen, mba. He is from 1966 and EAP/EAGT examined psychotherapist and certified couples therapist and sexologist. Kasper has over 30 years of experience and ongoing continuing education at Master’s level under the approval of the American Psychological Association.
He specializes in infidelity and, as something special, he has over 15 years of specialist experience in online therapy by telephone and thus runs a global online business in coaching and psychotherapy. He is fluent in Danish and English as well as German, French, Norwegian and Swedish.
Kasper Larsen has been self-employed since 2002. Before that, he was a top management consultant in the largest consulting houses. As a therapist, he has, among other things, work in social psychiatry and with professional alcohol treatment. For private individuals, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers, among other things, psychotherapy, imagotherapy, family therapy, couples therapy, sexology, access bars body processes and alcohol treatment. Supervision, coaching and courses are also offered for businesses.
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Blog with free tools, ebooks and articles about infidelity…
What are the signs of infidelity?
How does infidelity occur and is there even a formula for infidelity?
What are the six primary causes of infidelity?
The diagnosis and anatomy of adultery
The two main and three underlying factors of infidelity?
Should I say that I have committed adultery?
What are the consequences of adultery?
How to heal the pain after infidelity?
How to move forward together with couples therapy after infidelity
Free guide to getting over infidelity
Avoid infidelity and end the old relationship before a new one
Trust, confidence, mistrust and infidelity
Relationships, finances, lies and infidelity
Emotions and ditital infidelity
Addiction and digital infidelity
Kasper Larsen, mba
Examining psychotherapist with certification in couple therapy and specialty in adultery.
Certified coach specializing in mindset, paradigm shift, quantum leaps and turnarounds.
© Kasper Larsen, 2021. All rights reserved.