One in eight couples have given up sex
I have been on the front page of Politikken
in connection with Megafon’s survey
about Danes’ sex lives:
- 7% of Danish couples never have sex
- 6% have sex once a year or less often
- 42% of couples have sex once a week or more
In my sexological and couples therapy practice, I meet quite a few couples who complain that several years pass between them. Most couples have typically not had sex in the past six months when they first meet, and many have sex once a quarter at most. They either come to work with the relationship and subsequently get their sex life going again, or they want to work more directly with sexuality and thereby also develop the relationship. Read more below.
Click here and read the cover article from Politikken
Sexuality is important to the relationship
Sexuality is important to most and most relationships, regardless of how it can and actually unfolds. Sex is rarely only about reproduction, but is also an important symbolic value for the relationship. Thus, sexuality is both a practical and physical expression of love, which both confirms the relationship, the couple and their feelings for each other.
A good sex life thereby helps to keep us together as a couple and if you manage to maintain the dynamic, the sex life can help to develop us and the relationship. Sexuality is also part of our identity, history and communication, through which we have an exchange by e.g. shows us and tells us about ourselves, our preferences and limits. Through couple therapy and sexological conversation therapy, I help both partners to deal with their sexuality, relationship and sex life.
Sex is also largely about a license to focus on ourselves and to enjoy incl. the pleasure of giving and the pleasure of receiving. So in practice sex life is also about joy, happiness, fun, play, learning, creativity, energy, joint activity, interaction, co-creation…
In connection with us taking the initiative, making approaches, accepting and rejecting, moving in and out of contact, creating connection, connectedness, cohesion, union and reunion. We develop and take turns as leaders and companions, communicate verbally and non-verbally, set limits and confirm. For some, sexuality also has a spiritual dimension and some cultivate sex life as part of their spiritual practice. At the initial meetings in the couples therapy, we find out where the shoe presses as well as the potential and where we need to put in the effort.
The sex life is one of the three legs on which the relationship rests
Most relationships rest on a mix of three factors, where sexuality (referred to here as passion) is one of them, regardless of whether the passion has a physical and/or non-physical expression:
- Passion and passion (passion)
- Closeness and familiarity (intimacy)
- Commitment and commitment
If there is only passion, it is probably more of an affair. If there is passion and closeness, it is typically just a romance. If there is only closeness and commitment, it is often more of a friendship. If there is only commitment and passion, it is not uncommon to talk about indifferent love, such as in hasty marriage without closeness, familiarity, exchange, knowledge and understanding as well as connectedness and attachment. However, if all three factors are present, one speaks of complete love.
As above, it is often different how much the parties each want of the three factors and this can cause misunderstandings, frustration and conflicts. It is often part of the conflicts that I, as a couples therapist, support the parties in dealing with through couple therapy and sexological conversation therapy. As that theme is processed, proximity and sex life are also typically loosened up.
What’s the problem?
Sex is a human need in line with other needs and sex is as natural as eating and drawing weight. If we shut down and cut ourselves off from our sexuality and sex life, then it is like amputating an important part of ourselves, the relationship and life. A significant part of ourselves and our potential will be unlived and reserved for a suppressed or secret life as a shadow side. For most, this will lead to frustration, symptoms (psychological and physical) and problems.
It can be experienced very differently, but for most couples it means sadness, guilt, shame, distance, isolation, alienation, separate living and tabooing as well as loss of dialogue, intimacy and trust. On a personal level, it can be perceived as a defeat and lead to inadequacy, wrongness, awkwardness and inferiority/less self-esteem/self-confidence. Along the way or later, uncertainty, misunderstandings, misguided considerations, jealousy, anger, bitterness, resentment, revenge and infidelity can also arise. Some end up offending both themselves and each other.
Gradually, it just becomes harder and harder to talk about it, to break the ice and to get going again. For some, it can develop into physical reactions such as tension, erection problems and orgasm problems.
Why does it happen?
There can be many reasons for distance to sexuality or breaks in sex life.
A classic example is the one-year crisis incl. the birth of the first child, especially. A lot happens with the body and hormones as well as demands, attention, sleep and resources. The dyad turns into a triad at the same time as the positions, relationships and love change. The couple, who used to be primarily lovers, are now becoming parents. This can present many challenges that must be handled and experienced at the same time as the child sometimes comes very early in relation to the individual life cycle of the couple or partners. It can also mean that there are some experiences, experiences and maturation processes that need to be acquired. As a couples therapist, I thus help the couple to settle in this, through couple therapy and sexological conversation therapy.
Often it is simply an interplay between falling in love, hormone balance and the body changing, busyness gaining and projects and work taking over. It goes beyond communication, proximity, confidentiality and problem solving. Then it piles up, turns into unfinished situations, creates conflicts, generates bad feelings, creates distance and leads to fatigue and sluggishness. Who has the desire, energy, trust and initiative for closeness, dialogue, dating, romance, intimacy and sex? If the couple waits too long, it explodes into anger and divorce or implodes into distance and depression. Many come to terms with the situation and end up as ‘miserably married’. Possibly. in adultery with a lover on the side. The earlier the couple signs up, the easier it is to solve the challenges through couple therapy and sexological conversation therapy. Conversely, if the final call is made and frustration is high, the couple clearly knows what they don’t want. In this way, as a couples therapist, I help the couple to turn it around and create together what they really want.
A special category of sex and cohabitation problems are those due to practical, physical, psychological or medical problems. However, it doesn’t have to be drastic to be bothersome. A growing problem is thus a lack of sexual desire due to stress or depression and antidepressants (medicine) – conversely, one could argue that sex is nature’s own happy pill. Another is artificial insemination and possibly abortion. Here there may either be some conditions that cannot be changed or some conditions that may need to be processed. together with other professionals. In this connection, as a couples therapist, I support the process, the dialogue and the handling of the existential aspects.
A challenge for many is also today’s general project and results orientation, inappropriate attitude influence from the advertising and porn industry as well as a misunderstood perception of what sex is. Then one risks attitude-wise and in line with this that sex life becomes a project where the goal is intercourse and the success criterion is orgasm. That in itself is probably enough to kill any living and sensitive process and to create distance, alienation and performance anxiety. If you also compare yourself to other couples and their sex lives, you can lead to lower self-esteem and thoughts that what you have together is not good enough. Many couples already think in advance that most other couples have a much better sex life than themselves. Through couple therapy and sexological conversation therapy, as a couple therapist, I help the couple to find out what is good enough for them, to create it and be happy with it.
A practical and overlooked problem is also that our sexual needs, rhythm and practice can be very different. It is often one of the practical things that I, as a couples therapist, help the clients to talk about, accept and deal with through couple therapy and sexological conversation therapy. Sometimes one party wants several times a week and the other once a month. Sometimes I find as a couples therapist that the couple is simply stuck in their map of reality and overlooks practical structural solutions. For example, as in the case where one, who worked at home, felt most like it in the morning, while the other, who was a self-employed salesperson, was indifferent. When they found out through couple therapy and sexological talk therapy, it was to both their satisfaction and obvious to arrange small intimate morning meetings.
What now?
You can read more about love, relationships and couple therapy at www.parterapi-parterapeut.dk.
And sex life and therapy on sexological conversation therapy.
If you want couples counseling or a consultation in couples therapy, call 6166 1900.
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Kasper Larsen
Coach, sexologist, family and couple therapist in Copenhagen
Copyright © Kasper Larsen, 2016. All rights reserved.
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