Chapter 4: The 3 pillars that can create balance, security and well-being in the relationship

First aid for the relationship > The geometry of love > 3 tips for the relationship

How does your relationship balance?
What kind of relationship do you dream of?
How does it get better than that?
What else is possible?
Take the temperature of your relationship
A tool for insight, dialogue and development
Create coordination, balance and cohesion in the relationship
Get passion, familiarity and commitment in the relationship
Together, the three factors create eight types of love and relationships

Free toolbox for the relationship in couples therapy

Below, you will find the 3 most important factors in the relationship, which, through reconciliation and balancing, can save, secure and develop the relationship as well as strengthen the cohesion of the relationship.

The three factors can be used both preventively and therapeutically in relation to your couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk as well as your own process at home.

This toolkit is also the fourth chapter in the eBook, which you get for free on the journey at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk’s Concept in couple therapy or by purchasing a Couple check.

Triangular theory of love

The 3 supporting elements in the relationship

Confidentiality
Passion
Obligation

The triangle of love or the geometry of love

Articles have previously been published on this blog about couple therapy, about friendship and confidentiality as a supporting element in the relationship, as well as falling in love as a precursor to love and then the deeper relationship. In this article, friendship is compared to the other two factors of the relationship – passion and commitment.

Together, the three factors – familiarity, passion and commitment – form the three pillars of a good relationship. The couple’s relationship thus does not need to be complicated and couples therapy can easily be made simple by simply creating the right focus on precisely these three factors. Read more below or call and book an appointment for couples therapy if you would like to know more about the geometry of love and how you can create an even better relationship by simply balancing three factors. Read more below about Robert J. Sternberg’s triangular theory of love.

What is the geometry of love?

According to the American psychologist Robert J. Sternberg’s research, the three factors (intimacy, passion and commitment) together make up the geometry of love – also called the love triangle. The triangle of love is a tool you can use at home as well as in couples therapy. As a coach and couples therapist, I have used this tool for over 10 years and each time it opens up new dialogue, energy, creativity and opportunity.

1/4 The love triangle

According to Sternberg’s research and my own experience,
the three decisive factors in the relationship are:

confidentiality (intimacy)

Openness, security, vulnerability, exchange, contact, closeness, connectedness and attachment. The willingness to listen and to share oneself and to be intimate on a mental, emotional and relational level. The ability to speak personally and privately together and to support each other through dialogue. To be interested in and to be able to share the inner universe, experiences, thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams and fears.

Passion (passion)

Physical as well as psychological attraction, fascination, preoccupation, fascination , desire, sexuality, eroticism, passion and elation. Both the operational and the erotic feelings, as well as being in close physical contact with each other and being physically intimate together.

Commitment

Determination and willingness to continue to love each other, to fan the flames, to keep the relationship alive, to stay together and to make the relationship work, despite the fact that it is sometimes difficult and that the positive feelings are not always at their peak . It also includes sharing visions, setting goals and long-term planning together, as well as solving the problems that arise along the way.

How to form the triangle

One can thus imagine or even draw a triangle, where each of the three factors represents its own leg in the triangle and that the weight or strength of the individual factor determines the length of the concrete leg in the triangle. The triangle will thus show a graphic picture of the relationship. The shape of the relationship’s triangle will tell about the nature of the feelings and relationships that come into play in the specific situation. The size of the area will reflect the form of love.

2/4 Take the temperature of your relationship

Although there is research behind it (going all the way back to 1988), it is not an exact tool. It will probably also take some of the magic out of love. The most important thing about the instrument is to see it as a thermometer, where you can take the temperature of how the relationship is right now (as-is) and how you would like the relationship to be (to-be) and to use it as a dialogue tool for insight (about gaps/differences, wishes and possibilities) and change (plan and action).

As a starting point, four triangles can thus be drawn – one ‘as-is’ and one ‘to-be’ for each of you. Based on this, you can create a dialogue, both at home and in couples therapy, which partly gives insight into and recognition of the different positions as well as a common understanding of the starting point and wishes for the relationship.

However, it can be difficult to do at home. Especially if the emotions and communication have already gone off course. In that case, a couples therapist can help you maintain and facilitate the dialogue. The dialogue itself can help to support and develop the three important factors in the relationship – confidentiality, passion and commitment.

You can choose a pragmatic solution, where you simply draw the triangles by hand, with inspiration in the text above. If you have already drawn the triangles at home, you are welcome to take them with you to couples therapy. You can also wait to draw until you start couple therapy and then bring up the wish to the couple therapist as one of the first things.

3/4 The eight forms of love and relationships

Different combinations of the absence and presence of the three factors (intimacy, passion and commitment) leave eight stereotypical forms of love and relationships.

None of the factors are present

1. Non-Existent Love:

None of the three factors are present in the ‘couple relationship’ and there is no triangle to draw.

Only one of the factors is present

2. Friendship:

Only the confidentiality factor is present in the ‘couple relationship’. The parties are familiar with and like each other, but there are no real passionate feelings. This is a confidential relationship in the style of the one you have with your best friends. However, the relationship can contain feelings such as warmth and closeness, but the feelings never become passionate and erotic. Friendship in this way can be cozy at the same time as it safely keeps the fear of loneliness at bay. It is rare that couples come to my couples therapy practice from this category. Sometimes, however, it happens that passionate feelings (or desires for such feelings) arise suddenly or intermittently in a friendship. These feelings or desires for feelings can be very confusing, contradictory and difficult to deal with. If nothing else, guilt and shame can creep in. It can be difficult to articulate and explain alone. Therefore, it happens that there are couples who seek couples therapy with this in mind, as well as to find clarification as to whether they are friends or lovers and how their relationship should continue.

3. Passionate Love:

Only the passion factor is present in the ‘relationship’ (affair). This is similar to the head cold and blinding love that can disappear as quickly as it came. The passion is one of the strong factors that bring the parties together, but it requires contact and time to further build the necessary familiarity and commitment. It is rare that couples come to me in my couples therapy practice from this category and if this happens, one of the parties usually comes alone or in relation to, for example, a theme of rejection, relationship skills or attachment problems. So typically in connection with break-ups and love affairs , having to reject/break up and being rejected/being broken up with or in relation to any to have to go further into the relationship and to commit.

4. Empty Love:

Only the commitment factor is present in the ‘couple relationship’. If there is no or no longer passion and intimacy in the relationship, then it is empty love. This is often the kind of love you see in marriages that have not been nurtured for many years. It can also be a marriage of convenience. They either run as a problem-free practical arrangement or the parties are tormented and burnt out and have shut down emotions and communication. The first category: The problem-free marriage of convenience, rarely seen in couples therapy. The second category: They either break up and get divorced or go to couples therapy to take the long haul together. As long as there is just will and a glimmer of passion and familiarity, there is something to build on and work for. It was also typically successful for those who come with a serious commitment to the process – because with commitment the emotions often come back. For those who deep down have given up and simply hope that the partner will take the initiative to burden or most of all want to be confirmed in something other than that it must be them, couples therapy is about finding an alternative solution.

Two of the factors are present

5. Romantic Love:

Here, there is primarily passion and intimacy in the relationship. A typical example might be a summer romance or a sideshow. It is typically a hot, intense and short relationship that lacks commitment or does not last long enough to build a regular relationship. Most of these relationships dissolve quickly, but there are quite a few couples in this category who nevertheless seek me out in my couples therapy practice. They are the ones who stay together anyway due to, for example, practical circumstances, such as unexpected pregnancy. It can be hard to start a relationship on that basis, as well as it can be hard for the parents not to have had time for undisturbed romance before children and other challenges come along. Part of what helps the parties to stay together during more difficult times is partly the memory of the many shared and good experiences that have been had and the hope for those to come.

6. Indifferent Love:

Here, there is primarily commitment and passion in the relationship. An example can be the hastily contracted marriage. You meet each other at a party and the following weekend the couple is married, but the intimacy is lacking. Without this being developed and cultivated, sooner or later the relationship will die. Confidentiality is the basis of friendship, which in the long run is a very important element in the relationship. The relationship is naive, understood in the sense that it is based on two people’s different and independent hopes, dreams and illusions. Most of the couples in this category who seek me out in my couples therapy practice express challenges with communication, sharing, dialogue, emotional contact, connectedness, expression and exchange.

7. Companionate Love:

Here, there is primarily confidentiality and commitment in the relationship. This is where many of the couples who call me as a couples therapist and sexologist find themselves when, after a long marriage, they have not cultivated sex and feelings. They have therefore lost the passionate spark at the same time as the physical contact and attraction has been allowed to fade over the years. However, these conditions are often very stable. It is also the couples and families that some call Family Inc. For example, couples and families who are bound together around, for example, children, friends, shared past, house, tasks, company or finances. If nothing else, until one of the parties e.g. takes a step aside and is discovered. Some couples even agree to stay together at the same time that they each outsource their passion to a lover on the side of the marriage – on the side. If there has been infidelity , it is not too late, but it requires all parties to be prepared to pull on their work clothes and to show patience and flexibility. It is not decisive what the infidelity consists of, it is about the feeling of the infidelity, the failure, the deception, the mistrust, the sadness, the anxiety and the anger. For some couples, it’s the intention and the flirting. For others, it’s something more, whether it’s emotional or physical. For others again, it’s about electronic adultery – email, internet, pornography.

Three of the factors are present

8. Complete Love:

Here, all three factors are present in sufficient quantity and in a reasonably balanced relationship with each other. Thus understanding that the triangle does not necessarily need to be equilateral, but aligned with expectations and balanced. It is difficult to achieve and it requires awareness and constant work to maintain and adjust. Couple therapy can support you in this process as well as in handling the individual and personal issues that may come up during the process.

4/4 What to do if there is no harmony in the love triangle

As a couples therapist, I have seen many creative and good solutions when love triangles come into disharmony. In the best cases, the parties exhibit some common character traits. Firstly, openness, tolerance and flexibility. Second, inertia, patience and foresight. Thirdly, generosity, sacrifice and action. The couples who do best are also those who create good communication and who find shared life values, ideals and solutions.

In other words, the couples who do best are characterized by being those who find the will to fight for it and to swallow camels at the same time as they take a long-term view of the relationship. Finally, there is only one way if the relationship triangle has become crooked or flat, and it is through – not out. The couples who go through the difficult times together and solve their problems together strengthen the relationship, the love and the skills.

It is a path that requires sacrifice and action. For example, if your partner does not think that you share enough (that confidentiality is in the negative), then you must take the initiative to share about your thoughts, feelings, dreams, fantasies and experiences. It is often the party who pays too little who must act and the party who is frustrated who must take responsibility for speaking up.

Other times the other way around – that you yourself have to take the lead and give in order to get. Even if it feels strained, tight, artificial and assumed. Sometimes you even have to give a lot and often before the partner scrapes the liver paste off the glasses and realizes the consistency of your loving message.

The slightest sign of flexibility, benevolence and thaw can set off an avalanche of passionate and marital positivity. Love requires nourishment to survive and if you forget to show love to the one you love, even the most fantastic relationship can blossom. On the other hand, love is strong, so with just a little light and water, a lot can grow.

If you are stuck in some of the above or similar patterns and are perhaps interested in what lies behind, personal development, development of your communicative skills and a better couple relationship, couples therapy may be an option.

By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk

In every crisis and change there is a learning and an opportunity.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen helps turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
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You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk .
Or book a consultation in psychotherapy / couples therapy on tel. 61661900 .

Tips for the relationship and love

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