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Kasper Larsen, cert. coach and exam. psychotherapist cert. with a specialty in couple therapy Post-graduate training as a sexologist, family therapist, alcohol therapist, mentor, supervisor and consultant. Specialization in problem solving, communication, relationships, relationships, cohabitation, sex life and infidelity. 25 years of experience with relational and psychological crisis, grief, development and change processes
Read more about psychotherapy and couple therapy in Copenhagen Valby at www.parterapi-parterapeut.dkArguments, conflict management, relationships and couples therapy
Psychological communication > Arguments > 13 specific advice
- How do you get better at staying in the conflict?
- How do you stop arguing and solve the problems?
- How to handle conflict de-escalation vs. conflict escalation?
- Arguments, discussions and conflicts in the relationship
- Frustration, irritation and anger in the relationship
- Hormones, the brain, empathy and mentalization in the relationship
Free toolbox for communication in the relationship and in couples therapy
Below are 13 tips for communication, arguments and conflict management in the relationship. The 13 tools can be used both in your couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk and in your own process at home. This toolkit is also the fifth chapter in the eBook on psychological communication, which you get for free on the journey at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk’s Concept in couple therapy. Most people also learn that these tips can also be used in professional relationships, such as at work.Get better at arguing
As a couples therapist, I often see through couple therapy that some couples argue too often or too violently. Others argue too rarely or never get to finish arguing. Some keep rehashing old arguments and others are constantly inventing new ones. Some couples argue when they are stressed or bored and others argue when they are just having fun and have time off. Some even become (hormonally, habitually and behaviorally) addicted to the arguments and the immediately subsequent reconciliation, relief and makeup sex – as long as it lasts. They tell, for example, in couples therapy that they argue so loudly and are surprised that they have a wonderful sex life. Still others do not get to talk about the problems at all because they are afraid of arguing or of the outcome of the arguments. And some have argued so much that they have ended up in their own trenches, with isolation and separate lives as well as split families and problems with the children as a result – or anxiety, depression, alcohol problems, infidelity and divorce. Various studies show that arguments also affect us physically and can lead to serious physical illness.Thirteen advice about arguments
- Address the anger immediately
- Understand the anger and the brain
- Know that frustration is your friend
- keep calm
- Share and acknowledge your feelings
- Show that you are listening
- Stay in the conflict
- Don’t bring up the past
- Use positive language
- Understand the problem and solve it one at a time
- Become a team
- Avoid isolation and make repair attempts
- Take responsibility, show goodwill and invite reconciliation
1. Address the anger immediately
Anger has a tendency to creep up or explode suddenly. First as frustration and irritation. Since as anger or rage. Sometimes also revenge, property damage and violence. Don’t let it come to that and don’t hide your anger. Instead, train your self-esteem and attention so that you catch the signals in the bud and get talked about. This allows you to act more constructively on the emotions. It is, among other things, some of what we train in couple therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk. In other words, mindfulness couple therapy. In couples therapy, we also work towards establishing basic norms, frameworks and procedures for how you best communicate. Build good language and a good process. Avoid, for example, irony and sarcasm as well as judging, accusing, criticizing, slandering, cutting faces, eyeballing, using names, making diagnoses, snarling and shouting. Also, never ever use texting (argumexting) or email for arguments. The phone is not the best medium either. Create a framework and regularly set aside time to talk about frustration and problems. Create your private space when the children are not present, so that you can safely and freely talk about what is difficult.2. Understand the anger and the brain
Effect and affect regulation is an important part of arguments, at home as well as in couples therapy. Strong emotions such as anger and anxiety are often associated at the same time as they require articulation and tuning. When one party is angry, it often triggers anxiety and/or anger in the other. Others may react to their anxiety by becoming outwardly angry. Anger and anxiety trigger hormones that bring the body into survival mode (fight, flight or freeze). The hormones that are released along the way affect our brain and its three centers (Paul MacLean’s three-part brain) inappropriately. This means that senses and instincts take over and that the reptilian brain (the reptilian complex = center for instinct) comes to dominate. At the same time, we get narrow/tunnel vision (poor use of the limbic system = center for emotional life, empathy and mentalization) as well as difficulty in communicating and solving problems (neocortex shuts down = center for rational thinking). In couple therapy, many report examples of conflict escalation, where one word takes another’s place. Where it smolders and explodes. That one person becomes angry and extroverted and the other is afraid, silent, sad or crying. Others argue in a pattern where one withdraws or the other rejects. All very painful and, in principle, escalating conflict and destructive to the relationship, the couple and the sex life.3. Know that frustration is your friend
If you feel angry yourself or sense that your partner is angry, stop immediately and address the anger. Never sweep it under the rug or escalate the situation. Get used to the fact that frustration can occur and accept anger as a natural basic emotion. It is ok to get angry and to express the anger constructively. Frustration is actually your friend and an important tool for self-regulation and happiness in the relationship and couples therapy. Because when your friend Frustration comes by, he always has a gift with him that contains a message. If you dare to open the gift, you will learn what the frustration means and what you would like to have more or less of in the relationship as well as in couples therapy. When you feel the anger in couple therapy, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk helps you to understand it and to formulate it in a positive and appropriate way, so that the partner can listen openly without feeling attacked and threatened. Anger can breed anger. So, anger is contagious and anger breeds anger. So neither clucking with the tongue nor shouting loudly helps. Anyone can get angry – it’s easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – it is not easy ~ Aristotle.4. Keep calm
Quite banal, it can be a matter of counting to ten and not saying the first thing that comes to mind. To breathe slowly and deeply into the stomach, to relax the body, center yourself and put both feet on the ground so that you strengthen your grounding. Lower your voice and tone and speak slowly and in few words. Before you speak, ask yourself if it is true, loving and necessary. If not, adjust the message or leave it alone. There are also some who say that you should think before you speak. In English it’s called THINK – so it’s True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary and Kind.5. Share and acknowledge your own and your partner’s feelings
As soon as you feel the anger in you or your partner, acknowledge it by saying it out loud in an appropriate way. For example: I can (well) understand that you are angry (with me). Or: I hear that you are angry about… Many have resistance to this in couples therapy, but when they try it and find their own way of saying it, it will mean that the partner feels heard and thus does not have to screw up for the sound to come through or for the partner to resign and give up. Sharing your feelings is also your assurance that you can be present and accommodate them. In this way, you can be present with what is, know where you are and optimize your communication and problem solving. This also counteracts hidden agendas, psychological games, manipulation and passive aggressiveness.6. Show that you are listening
During couple therapy, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers various techniques within communication, listening, active listening, recognition and appreciative dialogue. Acknowledgment, for example, with a yes and a no, use your face and body language constructively and make a continuous summary of what you hear your partner say. They have a practical meaning, but the greatest meaning is on a personal and relational level. It gives a feeling that you are seen and taken seriously. Just that in itself is conflict-reducing. These are some of the techniques and more specific tools we go in depth with in imagotherapy. You can also read more about listening on the blog.7. Stay in the conflict
The above means that you both find it easier to stay in a discussion, argument or conflict situation. It is crucial to be able to solve the problem and to be able to maintain the relationship. In couples therapy, simply being able to stay in the conflict is a win. A victory over bad habits, reaction patterns and feelings, as well as a declaration of love for each other. A concrete signal that you like each other and that you want to solve the problem together for the common good. If one withdraws, the other can interpret it as that he or she does not care about the partner or the relationship. It can also create new anger or anxiety because the other person does not know if or when the partner will return. If you get overwhelmed and feel like leaving, it’s better to say so and then take a time out from the argument, but to stay in touch or stay connected. Alternatively, you can agree that you must say that you are overwhelmed and that you will leave for ix minutes and then come back or call so that a more detailed agreement can be made. In this way, rejection and failure are to a lesser extent.8. Don’t bring up the past
When you manage to stay in the conflict and maintain calm, contact and the relationship, you can continue the dialogue. In this way, the contact is the bridge over which communication runs. But during the dialogue it is important that you do not bring up the past and use old examples to strengthen the argument, to join in or as part of the solution. The solution must be found somewhere other than from where the problem was created. The past and old examples will only be like fuel on the fire of the argument. You run the risk of quickly igniting old feelings and jumping into useless discussions and parentheses or old misunderstandings, right and wrong. So better make a little note in the mental parking lot and pick it up at a later time when you’ve calmed down and you both have the energy to talk about it.9. Use positive language
Frustration is like one side of a coin. It is ok in couples therapy to vent and acknowledge the frustration, but too much time and focus on the frustration at home creates negativity, bad energy and stuckness. It is about quickly turning the coin and looking at the opposite side, which is about the desire, the dream, the hope, the longing and the fantasy. If your partner tends to criticize and complain, then help by asking what it is that the partner wants and how it is to be realized. Then it becomes constructive and positive. Along the way, avoid the you language. You do … you don’t … You are … You are not … It just starts the you-you game, where one accuses and attacks, after which the other feels attacked and defends himself. The same happens with the why-because game. Instead, talk about and for yourself. It is not easy and often something we have to work with in couple therapy. Use I-statements – or ‘I-statements’, as it is called in the assertion training. For example, it could sound like this: I experience … I felt … I expected … I would like … I would like to ask for … Read more about giraffe language or bring it up in couples therapy so that we can train it.10. Understand the problem and solve one problem at a time
As a couples therapist, many couples I meet through couples therapy are typically well-educated and intelligent, but they are unable to solve their problems. This is because they consider the problems from the same place as they have arisen and that they do not analyze them thoroughly enough and thus jump to solutions and action far too quickly. As part of couple therapy, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers various practical tools and process support for concrete problem solving. In short, it is about the fact that you cannot solve a problem until you understand it – as Albert Einstein put it, in slightly different words. Next, too many couples try to solve too many problems at once. Solve one problem at a time. It provides experiences of success, learning and a sense of community. Many times, in reality, there are many more problems that are solved when you first get hold of the cause (root cause), the core problem (the top problem in the problem hierarchy) or when you understand the processes in the system and the relationship. Agree a time or fixed times to talk about the problems in the relationship, so that the rest of the time you can better focus on life, love, the relationship and the family. It creates peace and security for problem solving. Never try to force discussions at times that do not suit you or the partner, such as on the way out the door, before an exam, before an MUS interview or before an important presentation at a customer meeting.11. Become a team
Arguments are a battle and a battle to win. But if there is a winner, there is unfortunately also a loser. You do not want that in your relationship. Couples therapy is not a boxing ring or a courtroom, nor is the couples therapist a ring referee, match referee or court judge. Meaningful relationships consist of two players who are on the same team and who have common goals. The goal must be achieved through interaction, dialogue and joint efforts. Not through a fight that is all about winning. So don’t forget to involve each other and each other’s wishes and to match your differences – strengths and weaknesses. Instead of not acknowledging or even mocking them. The question you must ask yourselves and each other is: How can we solve this problem to the satisfaction of both? Respect that you see the situation and the problem from two very different perspectives and that you each have your subjective perception of reality. Find out what you can agree and disagree on, respectively. Leave it at that, instead of discussing reality and who is right. Because then you will never agree. Conversely, it is always easier to agree on a new common goal. A common good and something positive you can work towards together. You cannot cooperate on what you disagree on, but what you agree on.12. Avoid isolation and make repair attempts
In couples therapy, as a couples therapist I meet many couples who, due to criticism, defense and contempt, have developed a tendency to swim over and to isolate themselves for up to several days. Stonewalling as Dr. John Mordechai Gottman also calls it. This means that the repair attempts (repair attempts) do not appear for too long. It costs too much in terms of emotions and typically also the sex life. Others may develop depression, alcohol problems or commit adultery. Therefore, show an opening, reach out and initiate contact and repair attempts. Show that you want your partner even if you disagree and that you are, for example, angry or hurt. Read more about repair attempts.13. Take responsibility, show goodwill and invite reconciliation
Stand up for yourself, but signal interest, understanding, willingness and willingness to forgive and reconcile. The goal is reconciliation and the prerequisite for reconciliation is forgiveness. If you would like to know how to achieve forgiveness, read more about forgiveness on this blog about relationships and couples therapy. Be clear during the process about the problem and that the problem is not the partner or the relationship, so that your partner does not become uncertain about you, himself, the relationship or the future. Acknowledge the criticism, take responsibility for your behavior and your part of the problem, but do not give up your personal wish (this is called ‘negative assertion’ within the assertion training). Nobody’s perfect. Don’t be shy to admit your mistakes and mistakes to yourself and your partner. It is the path to learning, growth and development. Express your intentions and values. Reach out (preferably physically with a hand or a hug), invite brainstorming and come up with constructive solutions – at least three each. If the other person doesn’t hear you, be assertive, stand your ground and repeat (this is called ‘broken record’ in assertiveness training). For example: It was a misunderstanding. What I said was not meant as you heard it. I recognize that you are angry. And then come up with your offer, handshake or initiative for reconciliation. If you are repeatedly under attack or subjected to passive aggressiveness, take the wind out of your sails. Humor is often helpful. If you are accused of being selfish, admit (in part or in principle) the truth (this is called ‘fogging’ in the assertion training). For example, yes, I don’t always think through the consequences of my decisions and I want to make an effort. Or, you’ll be late. Yes, I allowed myself to be delayed and I should have called. If the criticism is valid, regardless of how it is delivered, be careful not to get defensive. So, better acknowledge the criticism. Yes, you’re right, I was wrong, I should… Or listen to the criticism completely (it’s called ‘negative inquiry’ within the assertion training). For example, keep asking if there is more and/or ask about the breadth and depth of the criticism.Read more about arguments
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By Parterapi-parterapeut.dkIn every crisis there is an opportunity and a lesson.
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