- More people report divorce per SMS
- One in ten regrets divorce
- What do I need to be clear about before the divorce?
- What and how should I say it when I want a divorce
- What should we say to the outside world about the divorce
- How can we get help before, during and after the divorce
More and more people are breaking up / filing for divorce per SMS
I have broke up with Jim!
How could he cope with it?
He doesn’t know yet… Twitter is down!
Through couple therapy, I experience as a coach and couple therapist, unfortunately more and more often that couples break up and get divorced via electronic media (SMS, mail, social media, etc.) when there are problems in the relationship. SMS has become so common that many have also experienced being fired from their jobs via SMS. Read more below about the problem and get tips on what to pay attention to when you break up or say you want to divorce.
Why is it a problem to break up / file for divorce per SMS
Huston, do we have a problem? Yes, one could be tempted to say that. Because the person it goes beyond usually gets a shock because it comes completely without warning. In couples therapy, people report that they often feel much worse afterwards because it comes without emotions, facial expressions, intonation, body language, further explanation and the opportunity to directly ask questions. A problem thus often turns into a crisis.
Most people get hurt, upset and offended by the manner. This turns one problem into two. It doesn’t just make it worse, but it also means more clean-up work in couple therapy. As a psychotherapist, I therefore also take a number of individual clients in psychotherapy – clients who have already made up their minds about divorce, but want help with how and what to say when they break up / file for divorce (read more below). If you are not clear, then it is best that you come to couples therapy together with your partner, because it is you, the relationship and your relationship and interaction that is all about. It is difficult to be clarified alone. If you need help in this regard, it is easier for me (and the partner) to help you if you come together and to couples therapy.
What is it about when someone breaks up / reports a divorce via SMS
What is it about? It is very individual and difficult to say, but some express during the couples therapy that it is about a lack of consideration and a bad habit or because they could no longer contain their frustration and feelings, whereupon they suddenly exploded by breaking up per SMS. For others, it is about shyness of conflict and poor affect regulation – which often comes to light (and can be processed) through couple therapy, as part of the reason for the breakup / divorce. For others, it is about low self-esteem, problems with setting boundaries and being assertive, as well as fear of reactions and questions. It also often turns out through couple therapy to also be some of the problems and causes of the breakup / divorce. Again, problems that can be dealt with and skills that can be developed through couples therapy.
Reasons and problems that still need to be processed and ended – regardless of whether you stay together or not. Otherwise, it simply takes longer to get through the loss and grief process, while at the same time you risk taking the problems with you into the next relationship. Couple therapy is thus just as important as individual psychotherapy and many times more effective, as the problems here appear to be completely current in the relationship and can thus be directly processed, solved and integrated through couple therapy.
When I write couples therapy here, it is because there is both the possibility of seeking couples therapy for the process before, during and after – and later again. Couples therapy can therefore be seen as options for good-day therapy, problem-solving therapy, conflict mediation therapy, rediscovering the spark therapy, sexological conversation therapy, farewell therapy and reunion therapy. Many are very surprised to hear that there is a possibility of help in the form of both farewell therapy and reunification couple therapy. They thus become more process- and opportunity-oriented, instead of definitive and locked in their feelings, thoughts and attitudes – fantasies about the outcome. It creates trust, openness, flexibility and hope, as well as the opportunity to progress well – together or separately.
One in ten regrets divorce
Yes, many people actually regret divorce. Many people who seek couples therapy to help them get divorced in a good way end up having so many of the problems worked out that they start talking to each other again. When they start to communicate and cooperate again, the feelings typically come back as well. Just as new opportunities and hope arise. Then it often ends up being reunification therapy instead, because they want to get back together. The advantage is that they know what they are getting into at the same time that the way is cleared for a good couple relationship. Not that it has to be my agenda. As a couples therapist, I respect your agenda, regardless of whether you each have your own or a joint one. Just that it is pronounced so that everyone knows what we have to work with. On the website you will find a supplementary article on couples therapy and divorce.
How do I say I want a divorce?
If I, as a couples therapist, were to give some tips on how to break up, it would be about flair, time, place and manner. You need to say it in a place where you are both safe and have space to react. It must be at a time when you are settled, relaxed and not in the throes of your emotions – i.e. a relatively good and resourceful state. Your partner must also be able to speak, present and approachable. It is thus an advantage that neither of you has consumed alcohol or that alcohol is consumed during such a conversation – not even to calm the nerves. It is also an advantage that you do not do anything else during the conversation, such as watching TV, driving a car or eating dinner together. For example, some are confronted during the summer holidays or in other ways, where they often need urgent couples therapy without waiting.
At the same time, you must ensure that there is a hole through to the partner. It can be an advantage to announce the conversation, without, however, saying the actual message in advance, so that you are prepared to speak seriously and that you have the framework for it. It is important that you are not disturbed, so that you have the opportunity to speak out. It is therefore typically not good to say it just before you go to work, just before you go to bed, before a business trip, on holiday, just before a job interview or an exam… and it is also typically not a good idea to say it during the couples therapy itself, not at all if it has been previously agreed with the couples therapist. If you want help and support for such a process, it is best to call in advance.
You must be 100% clear about why you want a divorce
Before you say anything, you must be 100% clear that you want to divorce and why. Everything else doesn’t work. You will falter and send mixed signals. Then there are still opportunities and hope and something to talk about, work on, repair and develop on. If you are in doubt, your partner will feel and hear it. If your partner does not hear that it is over, it will not be accepted either and not until your partner has accepted with 100% certainty that it is over, the separation process, the crisis process and the grieving process can begin. You thus risk alternately going in and out of ambivalence, hope and the relationship – in a pulse between hope and pain.
Why are you together and why do you want a divorce
There is always a Why and a How in a relationship. The why is the basis for staying together or for breaking up. But it is usually not the ‘Why’ that gets divorced and that is the reason why many fall out of favor in the process or later regret the divorce – if they and their Why are not properly clarified.
This is typically how you get divorced. So how are we supposed to live together. These are typically value-based and practical problems that can be solved through couple therapy. So if you don’t have your Why (being together / getting divorced) in place, it often ends up being a mess and you won’t be able to communicate your message about the divorce in a clear, unambiguous and authentic way – neither to yourself, your partner or the world around you. Instead of the conversation becoming about the breakup, it becomes about how the other party thinks the How-problems could be solved. To which you can endlessly come up with your counterarguments.
If you are not clear about yourself and your Why, then it is a completely different process. Then it will be a dialogue – often both with yourself, your partner and a couples therapist. Typically a dialogue about your relationship and how you feel in your relationship – which you must initially take home yourself. If it doesn’t resolve immediately, seek couples therapy as soon as possible so that the problems don’t get stuck or grow.
What should I say when I want a divorce?
Some couple therapists advise, as with a dismissal, to go straight to the point and to avoid explanations. I don’t have the best experiences with that. There is something good behind the idea, but it will be too short, too cold and too impersonal. An initial contact and a short introduction is in order. Don’t make it too long, because your partner quickly smells the fuse and ends up just sitting and waiting for your ‘but’ or gets impatient and says it for you – and that’s not fair.
Then say the message directly, clearly and distinctly so that there is no doubt. This will naturally trigger sadness and anger. But the shock should be limited, because you should have previously had a process where you formulated the problems, actually made an effort and evaluated it. Ideally, you should also have set aside a suitable time and period to solve the problems and to correct, change, develop and correct – possibly supported by couples therapy. If this is not the case or it still comes as a shock, then that is the way it is and that is exactly why it is so important that you are 100% clear about your decision.
How should I say I want a divorce?
When you say it, you must aim for it to be in a warm, concrete, loving and honest way. You can also only do that if you are completely clear about your decision. First, honesty is love and you cannot be loving to yourself if you are not also honest to yourself. Secondly, you can precisely – because you are clear – say it without disappointment, anger, bitterness, grudge and revenge.
What you say should be about yourself – not your partner. You must speak about yourself and from yourself. Start with ‘I’ and avoid ‘you’. A ‘you’ is quickly perceived as a reproach and an accusation, with defenses, counter-arguments and questions as a result. It must also be short. Anything else just confuses and dilutes the message.
If you have to say something about the partner, be 100% objective and only talk about what is, for example, factual, behavioral and observable. Everything else creates problems, doubts, uncertainty and misunderstandings. Then talk about yourself. Here you are welcome to be subjective and talk about what you (so) feel. It’s not a courtroom, so you typically don’t have to justify or highlight yourself with your actions and deeds. Your previous efforts, attempts and intentions may also have been good enough, but here it is mostly facts and results that count. Otherwise, you will typically just sound like you are defending, apologizing or attacking and this will only give rise to even more questions, explanations and arguments. In principle, there is no problem that cannot be solved and no relationship that cannot be saved, so when you file for divorce it is important that you make it clear that you do not want to work or fight anymore for the relationship and that it is all about you. You must also make it clear that it is not about whether you can see hope and possibilities, but that you will not make the effort.
What happens when I have said that I want a divorce
After that, it’s about making room for your partner’s feelings, reactions, statements and questions. There will probably be many conflicting feelings and confusing thoughts. Either way, your partner is now in crisis. The body and mind typically go into some degree of shock for the next 24-72 hours and all possible and impossible reactions can occur. It is a natural defense for the mind and body, which helps us to slowly take in the realities. There must be room for that and the most important thing is simply to provide enough of life’s necessities. You must also be aware that you yourself can go into shock when you hear yourself announce a divorce and when you meet the realities of your own announcement. Couples therapy is rarely adequate in the first two days after the announcement and as long as you are in the shock phase. It is difficult to establish a dialogical basis for couple therapy and the reactions can be too violent for a more advanced place. However, this should not be taken as a rejection and as a psychotherapist with further training in psychotraumatology, I am also happy to offer individual crisis therapy.
After this, and when the mind is ready to take in the new reality, there will be a reaction phase over the following weeks. Here you start to be able to get something constructive out of joint couples therapy. When things calm down again, a processing phase starts over the following months. Subsequently and up to a year, a reorientation phase takes place.
These phases typically progress on their own, but at the same time a grieving process starts. These two processes are similar, but the mourning phase requires active effort and processing. In this connection, most people will need psychotherapy and/or couples therapy to adequately solve the four main tasks of the grieving process: 1. Acceptance of the loss, 2. Emotional processing of the loss, etc., 3. Acquisition of new coping and handling skills and 4. Reinvestment of the love and energy (incl. final acceptance/farewell/farewell in relation to the loss) in the new life with a new partner. The grieving process can take a long time, be complicated and include flashbacks. But it is important to get into the depth and all the nooks and crannies of the grieving process, so that there is nothing that hangs and prevents you from moving on or living fully.
What should we say to the outside world when we want a divorce
As above, any announcement to the outside world requires you to be completely clear. It can be good to talk together about what you report. You don’t have to agree, but it creates clarity and insight and minimizes misunderstandings and slander.
First of all, you must be clear about why you report what, to whom, when and how. Is it need-to-know or nice-to-know? Is it for your sake or theirs? You must expect that they disturb the others and that it also generates all sorts of feelings, thoughts, questions and reactions from them. Many will probably also go through the process or perhaps go through a parallel process – start thinking about their own relationship. Especially if they have a relationship in trouble or a relationship with infidelity. You probably have enough in your own, so you have to assess how much you want to involve the outside world and how you can and will handle the outside world’s reactions to your announcement.
More about couples therapy without waiting and divorce
In addition to the article, you will find more about couple therapy and divorce on the website:
Relationships in trouble
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