About power
I was a coach on 19 March 2012 on Radio24syv in the two-hour program Løsgängeren om Magt, where I took part in a panel with, among others, Lars Kolind in dialogue about power and influence, power and powerlessness, leadership and companionship… The starting point was the business world and the political scene.
What about power in the relationship?
Before and after the program we got to talk about power in the relationship. Below I have written a small article based on my reflections and different points of view about power in the relationship. Here you will also find a definition of power and an overview of the different forms of power.
Below you will find links to the radio program that inspired me:
Part 1: http://arkiv.radio24syv.dk/video/4718971/lsgngeren-uge-12-2012-1
Part 2: http://arkiv.radio24syv.dk/video /4718971/lsgngeren-uge-12-2012-2
Power in the relationship
Is there also a power relationship in the relationship?
Are power and love even related?
Lao Tzu
Yes, some think:
To love deeply and sincerely gives great strength.
Being loved gives great power. Lao Tzu.
Paul
No, many will probably say.
Like the one who sent me the clip below about love:
Paul’s 1st letter to the Corinthians, chapter 13: Love is patient, love is gentle, it does not envy, love does not boast, does not imagine anything. It does nothing improper, does not seek its own, does not get angry, does not hold a grudge. It does not find its joy in injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Pious
Perhaps, according to Erich Fromm’s definition of immature love:
Childlike love follows the principle: I love because I am loved.
Mature love follows the principle: I am loved because I love.
And immature love says: I love you because I need you.
How mature love says: I need you because I love you.
In the book The Art of Loving, Fromm wanted to show that love is not a feeling that one can easily indulge in regardless of one’s level of maturity. And that one cannot achieve satisfaction in one’s individual love without the ability to love one’s neighbor, without true humility, courage, faith and self-discipline. In a culture where these qualities are rare, you will rarely see this ability to love. So maybe there is power in relationships with immature love!
Paralleling From’s definition of mature love,
the Dalai Lama is quoted as saying:
The best relationship is one
where the love for each other
overshadows the need for each other.
In my couples therapy practice, I often see a reflection of ‘modern’ culture. Here, the relationship and love are often made into an object, a project or even a commodity. The relationship and love become something you want to buy and own. Something you evaluate and measure yourself against. A goal and something that must be in place in our lives, in line with other projects such as job, house, children… so that we can be perfect and a success. Thus, you compare your relationship and your love with others – and comparing yourself with others often leads to competition and inferiority. For example, some also call mothers’ groups competition groups.
In several ways, one thus seeks control, power and proof of love. Most arguments are basically just about being seen, heard and taken seriously. The unconscious goal becomes that we have to make the other person love us or to avoid the other person rejecting us, so that we can feel good enough and whole. Fear is going to fill more than love. We are not only tormented by the fear of losing the other, but also love itself and our ability to love. Many fear or mistakenly experience that when they lose their object of love (the other), they also lose love itself and the ability to love. Suddenly, if not already, loving yourself becomes less important. But how easy is it to love us when we don’t love ourselves? In the fight for love, it is easy to work too much, to often only get more of what you don’t want or less of what you want. Or when we finally get what we’ve fought for – love – then it’s not worth it. Not that love isn’t worth fighting for. But that the love that is bought and paid for often tastes bad and is not worth having.
Gray zone relationships and power
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The story of the overdog and the underdog
Who is most important? Me or the other? For most, it’s probably a spectrum between two extremes. Not black and white, but two points that you can move between. If one were to be crude, one could say that at one end of the continuum you find the attitude “The others are there for me” and at the other end we find the attitude “I am there for the others”. Is the first the psychopath and the second the neurotic? No, I think not. But these are two different ways of being in the world and two different ways of acquiring love. You can challenge yourself by asking: “How do I get love?” In my couples therapy practice, I often see the aforementioned two positions come into play. However, the parties do not exactly need to be locked in one or the other position. They may have a preference and most often it is a dance with each other and between the (power and powerlessness) poles. A dance where in one position you often end up loving too little and in the other, too much. Both parts can, in the long term, be equally unhealthy for the couple.
Love has its price. An existential price that many do not want to pay. They want their own needs satisfied, but they don’t want to pay the price. This is also what Bent Falk calls existential VAT. They want to be selfish, but are afraid of what the other person thinks and feels when they are. Well, selfishness may also have a bad connotation. One should perhaps rather call it “stepping into character” (Søren Kierkegaard). A small and simplified example could be: It’s my turn to do the washing up and I want to skip, but I don’t want the other person to get mad and upset or that I’m going to feel that I’m in debt to the partner (the existential VAT).
Every relationship has an account. I call it the account of emotions. You can draw large bills on this account, but it should preferably balance/be in the red. If it is in the negative for too long, a mismatch can arise between the two parties and what I call ‘negative override’ in the relationship. If the latter happens, it often ends in a negative spiral. Then you have to invest heavily in making the account positive again. Because it often takes five good experiences to make up for one bad one!
Many and in-depth patterns, games, transactions and communication problems can thus arise in the relationship. For example, the one who always… and the one who never… Someone who loves too little and someone who loves too much. The overdog and the underdog. The executioner and the victim. The helper and the helpless. One who mopes and one who is withdrawn. One who is good/perfect and one who is like Klods Hans. Etc. See also Dearest pictures by Hostrup or What are we playing by Berne.
Couple therapy is, among other things, help uncover these patterns and create clarity, accountability and healthy balancing. A healthy balance between power and powerlessness as well as leader and follower.
Then we come back more directly to the concept of power again.
So what is power?
Power a medieval word from German “Macht”. It means forcing one’s will through, for example with laws or violence. The people who do not get their wish through are described as powerless or oppressed. So there must be someone who dominates and someone who is dominated.
There are basically five forms of power:
Direct (coercion), Indirect (information control/exclusion from the decision-making process), Consciousness-controlling power (manipulation), Institutional power (the power of habit/what is ingrained in the system/organization), Global power (Hard factors=power/resources and Soft=collaborative /form of government).
Are these forms of power unrecognizable in the relationship or the family?
Direct: Physical coercion/violence/assault…?
Indirect: You don’t inform your partner or make decisions over each other’s heads…?
Mind control: Manipulating the partner to believe/do something that is not their own desire…?
Institutional power: Well taxes, we usually…?
Global power: A dominant position such as money, who owns the home, the power of the word, silence…?
Instead of power, one could perhaps talk about dominance and a dominant position.
Conclusion about power and relationships
So no matter what, I think that in all relationships there are dominant positions. The art is simply to use them constructively and consciously – not to abuse them! The good relationship and the good relationship are the conscious relationship and the conscious relationship.
Consultation in couples therapy
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk.
Or book a consultation appointment for a couple check-up, couple therapy or couple counseling on tel. 6166 1900.
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