Communication, language model, couple relationships and couple therapy

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Kasper Larsen, cert. coach and exam. psychotherapist cert. with a specialty in couple therapy Post-graduate training as a sexologist, family therapist, alcohol therapist, mentor, supervisor and consultant. Specialization in problem solving, communication, relationships, relationships, cohabitation, sex life and infidelity. 25 years of experience with relational and psychological crisis, grief, development and change processes
Read more about psychotherapy and couple therapy in Copenhagen Valby at www.parterapi-parterapeut.dkCommunication, language model, couple relationships and couple therapy

Psychological communication > Language model > 3 tips for good communication

Get the message across and avoid misunderstandings
Achieve specific, comprehensive and correct communication
Secure encoding and decoding of messages
Improve your questioning technique and get better at understanding between the lines
Place responsibility where it belongs
Achieve closeness through communication

Free toolbox for communication in the relationship and in couples therapy

Below you will find three practical and effective tips for communication in a relationship. The five tools can be used both in your couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk and in your own process at home. This toolbox is also the second chapter in the eBook on psychological communication, which you get for free on the journey at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk’s Concept in couple therapy. Most people also learn that these tips can also be used in professional relationships, such as at work.The Problem – Generalizations, omissions and distortions

It is rarely what we say that is the problem. It is more often what we don’t say that causes problems. It makes our communication general or distorted and creates gaps and leaves the completion (gestalt) of the communication to the partner’s experience, imagination, imagination and empathy. When communication in the relationship and the family becomes general, marked by omissions or distortions, confusion, uncertainty, irresponsibility, distance, stuckness and misunderstandings arise. Most people also learn that the tips below can also be used in professional relationships, such as at work.The solution – Specific, comprehensive and correct communication

Language model as a basis for effective communication

The language model below gives three tips on how you can achieve more specific, comprehensive and correct communication that ensures understanding, responsibility and closeness. The model creates a deeper understanding of the linguistic levels of communication – the supertext and the subtext – and ensures you a better understanding of what is said and what is not said.

Language model as a basis for effective questioning technique

The language model is also an excellent question guide for the listener. When it comes to communication, it is one of the few areas where responsibility cannot be shared. Both parties have 100% responsibility for the communication working.Language model – The three components

1/3 Generalizations

Be careful with the use of words such as:
Always, never, all, no one, should, should, may, need to…

Generalizations make communication general, distant and non-committal. When this happens, misunderstandings, distance and stuckness can arise in the relationship/family. When your partner generalizes, you can ask questions that clarify any deviations from the generalization and create a more nuanced picture of reality/perception/belief/statement. There are 2 types of generalizations:

Universal generalizations and rules

Words that presuppose an ‘all or nothing’. For example, everyone, everything, everything, nothing, the whole thing, anyone, nobody, nothing, not anyone, always, never, constantly, all the time… Here you can ask for counterexamples that can deepen or negate the generalization: Always? Never? All?

Modal verbs that express possibility or necessity

For example can/can’t, possible/impossible, is unable to… Here you can ask to challenge the conviction: How do you know?

For example must, may, should, necessary, need to, should, should, cannot be avoided… Here you can ask to create awareness of consequence: What happens if/if not…?

More examples of generalizations and counter-questions:

It will never work!
What does it take for it to work?

We have no chance of finishing on time!
What can’t be finished on time?

I have always had problems standing up and speaking my mind in the family!
In which situations do you find it to be a problem?

I need to clean before the guests arrive!
What would happen if you didn’t clean?

I have never been able to converse as well as the others!
Which others are you specifically thinking of?

Everything in the house is outdated!
What things are obsolete? 2/3 Omissions

Be careful with the use of words such as:
He, she, they, it, it, bigger, smaller, better, worse…

Omissions make the communication deficient, incomplete and non-binding. When this happens, irresponsibility, misunderstandings and superficiality can arise in the relationship/family. When your partner makes omissions, you can ask questions that complete and specify what is being talked about and in a comprehensive way. There are 5 types of omissions:

Omitted words
I don’t care (what?) anymore!
I can’t (what?) anymore!

One can ask (for the omitted/the whole):

What do you not want/can’t do anymore?
Non-specific place, name, verb and vague expressions

He, she, they, it, it (what are these words instead of) …
She is closed (who/how/when)!
He is too much (who/how/when?)!
It (what?) is your fault (how?)!
Nouns that add -a or -a after, such as the man (?) or the house (?) …
I’m fine/good/ok (what does it mean exactly)!
You can ask for a specification and to create common understanding:
Who, what, when, how…?

Comparisons without specifying what is being compared to

Bigger, better, cheaper, slower, more (than what?) …
Our relationship was much better (when? how before? how now? the difference?)!
One can ask what is being compared with, the meaning behind and the difference:
Better/worse than who/what/when?

Lack of reference for who/what is being talked about

Women can not drive cars.
Men only think about sex.
It is too much.
One means …
One can ask for information about the reference and the statement:
Who specifically? What specifically?

Normalizations/substantiations (reification)

A word/verb/process that becomes a noun/thing.
For example, a discussion (to discuss), a meeting (to meet), a concretization (to concretize), a relationship (to relate/relate), attention (to be aware of), headache (to torment one’s head), love (to love) …
One can ask about process/action/course:
How do you torment your head? What do you love me for?

More examples of omissions and counter questions:

It must be lovely!
What is supposed to be nice?

I have a lot of experience with similar situations!
What does your experience consist of, with what and in which situations?

It’s not going so well!
What is not going so well?

We have talked about the problems before?
What problems have you talked about, when and with whom?

There have been quite a few discussions along the way?
What, where and when have we discussed?

The atmosphere in the relationship/family is quite chaotic!
What exactly do you mean by chaotic and since when?

3/3 Distortions

Watch out for:
Mind reading, interpretations, assumptions, false similarities, jumping to conclusions…

Distortions make communication skewed and out of sync. When this happens, misunderstandings, confusion and uncertainty can arise in the relationship/family. When we are exposed to distortions, we often feel defined, boxed in and powerless. When your partner distorts, you can ask questions that make the communication more proven, correct, responsible, open and opportunity-oriented. There are 4 types of distortions:

Mind reading / interpretations

I know exactly what you feel/want/think/mean/want to say… say no more!
You probably know what I want to say…need I say more!
Right now she probably thinks I’m disrespectful (did she say that?).
He probably (how do you know) doesn’t like me (for what)!
I can see (what can you see?) in you that you are angry (how?)!
One can ask the interpretation:
How do you know? What have I said/done to make you think that?

Incorrect equal sign (complex equivalence)

He doesn’t give me flowers = he doesn’t love me.
One can ask to challenge the proven competence:
Does it mean that he loves you if he gives you flowers?

Cause-effect

The blame for one’s own actions/feelings is attributed to others/something outside oneself.
A causes B.
You make me angry (how?).
It’s the mother-in-law’s fault (how?).
One can ask about reactions/responsibility/freedom/control/exceptions:
Do you think I can control your feelings or thoughts?
Is it always like this or can you fist just an exception?

Missing source/reference

Expresses built-in/ingrained conviction or belief. Figures of speech and standard-setting statements, without specifying who means what.
Green is good for the eyes and exercise is healthy.
It’s important to… They say… Everyone knows that… That’s how it is… we know that!
It is researched/proven (by whom/how/source?) …
One can ask the basis of the belief/experience/source:
Who says it? Does this also apply to me? Does it apply to everyone?

More examples of distortions and counter-questions:

The house project is delayed, so my husband must not be in control of his plan!
Could there be other reasons why the project is delayed?

She doesn’t make announcements, so there are enough problems!
What makes you think that?

She doesn’t kiss me good morning, so she’s probably mad at me!
What else could be the reason for her not saying hello?

My dad will be mad at me if I don’t get a 10 in the next exam!
How do you know? How can you predict it?

The others know more about it than I do!
What makes you believe that?

I get nervous every time you ask how far I’ve come!
What is it about my question that makes you nervous?About the language model

The above model has its roots in the NLP toolbox. It is based on the theories from Transformational Grammar (TG) and on studies of the linguistic patterns such as family therapist Virginia Satir used. The basis of the model are two important sets of concepts taken from TG. One set is the language’s levels, which are divided into a surface structure and a deep structure. The second set is the categorization of the processes that create the difference between surface and deep structure (the omissions, generalizations, and distortions).Are you stuck?

If you are stuck in some of the above or similar linguistic communication patterns and are interested in what lies behind, personal development, development of your communicative skills and a better couple relationship, couples therapy may be an option. By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis there is an opportunity and a lesson.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen helps turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
The above principles are also used in professional coaching at ErhvervsCoach®.Consultation in couples therapy

You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk.
Or book a consultation in psychotherapy and couple therapy on tel. 61661900.
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Communication, language model, couple relationships and couple therapy

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