Psychological communication > Arguments > 4 general advice
- How do you get better at arguing?
- How can one learn to adjust the level of conflict in the relationship?
- How can you become better at problem solving and conflict management?
- Discussions and discord in the relationship
- Arguments and conflicts in the relationship
- 2 x 4 tips for arguing the good way
Free toolbox for communication in the relationship and in couple therapy Below are four tips for communication, arguments and conflict management in the relationship. The four tools can be used both in your couples therapy at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk and in your own process at home. This toolkit is also the fourth chapter in the eBook on psychological communication, which you get for free on the journey at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk’s Concept in couple therapy . Most people also learn that these tips can also be used in professional relationships, such as at work.
Conflict-shy or conflictual
Do you argue too little in your relationship?
Do you argue too much in your relationship?
Do you disagree about the level of conflict?
As a couples therapist, I see three different types of couples in couple therapy:
- Those who shy away from conflict and sweep things under the carpet
- Those who are too confrontational and take everything up-front
- Those where one is conflict-shy and the other conflict-friendly
The first category typically seeks couples therapy because they never argue and need to learn how to argue or because they have argued too much, burned their fingers, are stuck in isolation and have problems over their ears. They do not argue at all or eventually very little and need couples therapy to get rid of the boil, rebuild the relationship and restore hope for the future. In other words, tools for self-esteem as well as direct, honest, authentic and equal communication incl. assertiveness training, problem solving and negotiation.
The second category typically needs couple therapy, to get down the conflict ladder and to get control of the temperament and the dialogue, at the same time as they become better at choosing their battles and faster at repairing the damage. Some simply become addicted to arguing and must both undergo rehab and learn new methods. For others, it is a matter of looking at and working with their beliefs about relationships, confrontation and problem solving.
The last category primarily seeks couple therapy because one person thinks the other is too much and too angry, choleric, hot-tempered and conflictual or because the other thinks the other is too little and too sad, fearful, reticent and conflict-averse. They often seek couples therapy to understand each other better and to find an acceptable level for their conflict level – so that they can both be themselves in the relationship.
Common to all couples who argue is that, via couple therapy, they seek to get out of their psychological games, drama and stuckness and want to rediscover love and common ground. Arguments can also affect sex life and need help in the form of sexological conversation therapy.
Four tips about arguments
1. Arguments are inevitable
2. Accept that the waves can go high
3. Rewind the movie
4. Get to the bottom of the problems
In this article, you will get a summary of my experiences from couples therapy about how to get better at arguing. Finally, a tool follows with four specific things you must absolutely avoid in connection with your arguments. This is important, because arguments can have a high price in both the short and long term. In the long term, the arguments can lead to resentment, distance, isolation, alcohol abuse , sexual problems , infidelity and divorce . In addition, there is evidence from couples therapy for a connection between arguments and stressful load reactions, anxiety and depression . Like the lawyer, the dentist, the mechanic, I as a couples therapist would therefore say – don’t wait too long to seek help – here in the form of relational psychological treatment and couple therapy.
1. Arguments are inevitable
Many quarrels in the relationship are due to conflicts of values and differences in personality. Thus, it is not possible to agree on everything or to smooth out all differences in a healthy way. Therefore, it is not everything that needs to be discussed endlessly. Sometimes you have to settle for agreeing to disagree. Other times, the problems simply need to be solved – quickly and with the greatest possible care, evaluation and learning. No one is flawless. We can all lose ground, ourselves, contact and direction. The most important thing is to learn to discuss effectively, wisely and sensibly, without too much immediate or long-term damage to each other and the relationship. Parallel to this, couples therapy is about getting good at quickly repairing and quickly moving on. This is what couples therapy calls repair attempts. Arguments, neither can nor should be completely avoided. It may be necessary to have the air cleaned once in a while. At the same time, it is a big declaration of trust in each other and the relationship, and that it will probably work out, that it can be accommodated that you get angry, speak your mind and be told.
2. Accept that the waves can go high
After all, arguments and anger are signs that you mean something to each other and have feelings for each other. Otherwise, you could simply not care. When you discuss and argue, it is because there is something that is important to you and because you are affected by emotions. Accept that you and your partner may be affected and know that it is only feelings. Remember in the heat of battle that emotions are fleeting, whereas your reactions and decisions can become permanent. Therefore, never make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. This applies to small and large decisions. So better show some patience and spaciousness and breathe, count to ten and sleep on it. It is always easier to come back if you have not already packed your bags, left or pressed the NemId divorce button for the State Administration. Also remember that your words are not written in stone. It is possible to regret and ask for forgiveness . But forgiveness is a process in itself. A misunderstanding I often hear in couples therapy is that you have to bow in the dust for the other person and that you make yourself smaller by taking responsibility, saying sorry and asking for forgiveness. On the contrary, it and your flexibility make you bigger and a better person. Furthermore, we cannot learn, develop and grow if we cannot take responsibility and ownership for our mistakes. We can all make mistakes. And even if you are right and your ego wants to win, consider the consequence once more and whether it is an unintelligent argument and worth your relationship. If there is a winner, then there is also a loser. Consider whether it will be better and more dignified for you to bow once if it is not possible to create a win-win situation.
3. Rewind the film
Avoid at all costs acting on your impulses and doing things you regret. Acting-out – such as, for example, strongly hurtful words, reproaches, retaliation, revenge, violence and damage to property as well. As human beings we are vulnerable and we are even more vulnerable in a loving relationship. Couples therapy is about finding strength without losing vulnerability. But if you have lost your overview and focus, stop, get your thoughts under control, calm your emotions and find out what you really want. Take a time-out so that the pulse also comes down and you both get into a more resourceful state. It can happen both at home and in couples therapy that you get out of it and lose the reason for the discussion itself. It is often these arguments without logic and reason, where one word takes the other, there are too many balls in the air and no one can remember what was actually talked about, said and why. It can also be these arguments, where you just pick at each other to get some kind of contact and reaction or a proof that you mean something to the other person and that the other person can actually hear you. Arguing is only useful if it is done from a respectful, loving, curious and responsive place. If you are not there, it is better to return to the subject when you have calmed down. Then, rewind the film and evaluate the situation. See if there is something you can learn from it and do differently. Learning is the way forward. Progress – not perfection.
4. Get to the bottom of the problems
Remember that you are on the same team and that the problems must be solved together. It also strengthens creativity, learning, the sense of community and cohesion. Most couples take great pleasure in becoming even better at solving problems that they themselves are involved in. To solve a problem, you first need to understand it. As Einstein said: The solution is given once the problem is understood. It is a classic mistake that I see time and time again as a coach, psychotherapist and couple therapist, both in psychotherapy, couple therapy and business life. People spend too little time understanding the problem and move too quickly to solution and action. Along the way, they don’t push creativity hard enough and make too quick, imprecise and bad decisions. Be curious about each other and first understand each other’s positions and universe. What is the partner saying? Where does it come from and what is it about? What does it mean? What does your partner really want from you? In addition to problem understanding, it also creates a situation where you can both feel heard and respected. Without it, there is no responsiveness. It is for the same reason that I, as a couples therapist, meet many couples in couples therapy who make themselves the victims of endless arguments, where things just get worse and no one is heard. Read more about effective listening here on the blog.
Four specific things you must avoid when arguing
The above four tips are things you can do to become better at arguing. Specifically, according to Dr. John Mordechai Gottman four more concrete things you must avoid doing when you argue:
- Criticism (the man rather than the ball)
- Contempt (disparagement and disrespect)
- Defense (evasions and counterattacks)
- The wall (hard knots, rejection and silence)
You can read more about it at the following link:
www.blog.parterapi-parterapeut.dk/#post46
Read more about getting better at arguing
www.blog.parterapi-parterapeut.dk/#post52
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis and change there is a learning and an opportunity.
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Kasper Larsen, mba
Examining psychotherapist with certification in couples therapy and specialization in relationships and mindset.
Certified coach specializing in mindset, paradigm shifts, quantum leaps and turnarounds.
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