- Why does adultery occur
- Relationship, other factors and sexuality
- Formula and summary
Article: Why does adultery occur?
Questions and answers about adultery
This is an article in the series of answers about infidelity.
At the bottom of the page you will find links to the other articles in the series.
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If you are in doubt and have questions about infidelity, it is probably because there is a valid reason. There is therefore good reason to research things and read more here, on the blog and on the website. It is a good opportunity to stop, take stock and reflect on the relationship and the future. If you wish, there is a free relationship test on the website as a tool for reflection and dialogue. You can also book an initial consultation, as a party check, where you can get professional support for the dialogue, an overview of the case and more tools. But immediately click here on infidelity or call 61661900 for couples therapy if the damage has been done. Remember it’s never too late. Neither to prevent infidelity nor to save the relationship and the family after infidelity.
Why and how does adultery occur?
Infidelity, relationship problems, falling in love and sex
According to Professor Frode Thuen, you cheat because you let yourself fall in love (emotions) with someone else or because you gave in to a sexual desire (physiology). He also points out that infidelity is often about a bad relationship, where you have looked for a way out other than working on the relationship and meeting an unsatisfied emotional or sexual need outside of the relationship.
Infidelity and feelings
However, infidelity is rarely about sex. In around 90% of couples where adultery is committed, one or both parties have, cf. Dr. Dana M. Fillmore not having their emotional needs met. And cf. in the couple therapy practice around infidelity at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk, a consistent pattern emerges that at least one and often both parties have not felt sufficiently understood, accepted, valued, appreciated, loved, wanted, coveted, desired, needed and connected.
The three biggest causes of infidelity
In line with this and as an elaboration, the experience of Parterapi-parterapeut.dk is that the three biggest causes of infidelity are,
1) that you do not feel seen, heard and taken seriously in the relationship,
2) that you do not manage to talk well enough together and to solve the common problems and
3) that one does not manage to regulate oneself and one’s needs in the community, incl. to balance individuality and community. It includes an appropriate balancing of the five languages of love and the three most decisive factors in the relationship, which are confidentiality, intimacy and commitment.
In practice, it is about the parties not feeling recognized and managing to regulate their need for attachment, distance, closeness and intimacy and to be themselves in the relationship. This and the risk of infidelity are significantly increased if one or both parties simultaneously feel neglected, neglected, ignored, let down or neglected. If these factors are combined with psychological problems, sexual problems, alcohol problems, illness, abortion, death, life crises, developmental crises or adjustment crises incl. challenges around children, work, finances and housing, the risk of infidelity increases significantly.
Why do you cheat?
One of the biggest indicators that something is missing or something is wrong in the relationship is infidelity. On the other hand, if there was nothing wrong with the relationship beforehand, then it is when infidelity has first occurred. Infidelity is often a problem that arises more or less unplanned and spontaneously in a smooth transition, as part of prolonged dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger, anxiety, arguments, communication breakdowns, distance and passivity in the relationship. When these factors occur, it goes beyond dialogue, intimacy and sexuality in the relationship.
Often it happens that there is someone else (perhaps someone with profits or someone who is in a similar situation) who listens kindly and compassionately to the needy. It can lead to contact with a form of closeness, security, intimacy and community, where one feels heard, understood, met, confirmed, admired, desired, significant and connected. It might be a cup of coffee or two.
A friendship or collegiality develops or a spontaneous side jump occurs during a special occasion such as a business trip, a boarding course, during overtime, during the summer party or at the Christmas lunch. It is rarely only about sex, but sex can be a triggering factor in combination with longing, deprivation and disappointment as well as alcohol, fun and partying. Also watch the following video about why you cheat.
Therefore we are also unfaithful
Private relationships, love and sex have moved into the workplace on the whole and to a much greater extent than before. As working environment researcher Henrik Lambrecht Lund points out, more and more people find a colleague together, because in modern knowledge workplaces we can help decide who we want to work with. At the same time, work increasingly fulfills our social needs. It can both lead to deep friendships and romantic relationships. A study that Wilke has carried out for Avisen.dk (estrabladet.dk 20121213) thus shows that every fifth Dane has at some point scored a colleague for the company Christmas lunch.
The hope is often, for example, to achieve some form of variety, excitement, joy, relief or freedom, in a more or less busy, hard, tight and sad everyday life. As a rule, it goes the other way around. It does not make it any easier for the relationship if infidelity occurs on top of the distressed or perhaps downright dysfunctional relationship. But infidelity is not necessarily a death blow to the relationship, it can also be a wake-up call and a turning point. A chance to really feel and think. A starting shot to get asked and said what needs to be said and to create the life that longs to be lived.
Below on this page you can also read more relationship stereotypes (dysfunctional relationships), other reasons why infidelity occurs (including psyche and sex addiction), the formula for infidelity and a summary summary.
Relationship problems as a cause of infidelity
Over time, four general couple relationship stereotypes arise, which as contributing factors can lead to infidelity. When the infatuation has subsided and everyday life begins, one of four relationship stereotypes may arise, or all four in continuation of each other:
1. There is a power struggle between the parties (the struggle for love/ to be seen, heard and recognized/ over the model of reality/ to be right or to have peace).
2. One of the parties resigns and gives up in depression or with compensation elsewhere and in other ways (while the other may fight even harder for the relationship).
3. Both parties resign and withdraw (live separate lives in something resembling a cohabitation – either miserable married and in loneliness or as in an old friendship possibly with a lover on-the-side).
4. The situation explodes like a pressure cooker and it ends in a quick divorce.
Infidelity can be a desperate solution, but infidelity often leads to further frustration, confusion, insecurity, mistrust, hurt , shame , guilt, regret and pangs of conscience, as well as humiliation and anger, or hopelessness, withdrawal and abandonment.
Since the self is created in interaction with those closest to us and that our reality is created through the mirroring of our stories, along the way it can become more and more difficult to know what is up and down and to feel ourselves and what we want.
Separate or double lives with infidelity are thus rarely a sustainable solution, as this way we find it harder to regulate ourselves in the relationship and easily end up fighting too hard to simply get even more of what we don’t really want. If this is the case, you should seek couples therapy as soon as possible.
Other factors for infidelity
There are a number of other factors that may be related to infidelity. You can’t immediately do something about all of them, but simply being aware of, dealing with and talking about them can help. In addition, some of them can be involved or remedied through couple therapy, sexological conversation therapy, individual psychotherapy or addiction treatment. The following is thus not a judgment or prognosis:
There may, for example, be a connection between infidelity, personality structure and addiction. Some personality disorders can, for example, lead to an increased risk of infidelity. The combination of high self-confidence and low self-esteem can, for example, lead to an increased risk of infidelity. Likewise, people with evasive/rejecting (avoidant) attachment patterns, who are not so much into trust, closeness, snuggling and who at the same time can separate sex and feelings, may have a greater tendency towards one-night-stands/infidelity. In addition, a general great interest in sex, a great need for sex or an actual sex addiction can constitute a risk factor in relation to infidelity.
Addiction to the internet (chat, dating…), closeness or the hormonal kick of falling in love can also motivate infidelity. Finally, it is believed that a special gene (D4), which relates to impulsivity, novelty, sensation, can double the probability that one is more fickle in relation to one’s relationships. As a couples therapist and psychotherapist with many years of experience in addiction treatment as well as family and couple relationships, I also offer treatment for these themes. On the blog you will also find a small series of articles about the technological trends in relation to adultery incl. internet pornography, dating sites, cheating sites and internet addiction. See Social Media and Jealousy , Organized Infidelity in Cyberspace , and Technology Addiction and Online Dating Addiction .
Over time, general societal conditions such as economic, technological, behavioral, residential, social and cultural trends can affect our boundaries, definitions and tendency towards infidelity/openness. Demographically, according to Berlingske (on 20130809), there is more adultery in Copenhagen (approx. 35%) than there is adultery in the province (approx. 25%).
In the happy 60s and 70s, it was common to turn the buns and to bun the friends in the collective. In times of crisis, people are tempted to stay together because of the economy, but perhaps in return have a lover on-the-side. Socially, women have become more independent over time, while at the same time taking ownership of their sexuality to a greater degree – this creates both openness and challenges both the man and the woman herself. Some argue, without necessarily being chauvinistic, that adultery increased after women entered the workforce.
Behaviorally, a kiss was once infidelity for most people and today petting and a BJ are ok for many young people. If you watch Kings of Marielyst or if you have been to Sunny Beach, the younger and older generations in particular will probably look differently at what is crazy living and what is happy living. Technologically, the internet also offers many opportunities and sites such as Victoriamilan.dk directly encourage adultery.
Sex addiction as a cause of adultery
In connection with adultery, there are many complicated processes involved. When the infidelity has arisen out of sex addiction, this is also addressed. But typically only as actual addiction treatment later in the process and when there is peace and spare time for this.
As a couples therapist with a background in addiction treatment, I offer holistic treatment. This means that you do not need to go from therapist to therapist. It is thus practical to ascertain whether it is a question of sex addiction or a degree of sex addiction. Since sex addiction is not yet a formal diagnosis that can be made by a doctor, a self-diagnosis is initially planned. To help with this, you can use the Sex Addiction Test© below:
From a general point of view, we as humans are all addicted to sex to one degree or another. Sexuality is part of our identity, life and existence – with six basic functions such as reproduction, relationship, respect, rehabilitation, recreation and relaxation.
We first talk about sex addiction when there is an excessive preoccupation with sex and a compulsive behavior that disturbs attention, level of functioning and quality of life. It must therefore be a case of hypersexual behavior which causes distress before you talk about sex addiction. In the case of sex addiction, the focus is often primarily on the sex itself (excitement and release) rather than the emotional and relational aspects. So the fact that we have a great sexual need does not make us sex addicts. As below, the brain’s reward system can be both trained and unlearned.
As with other addictions, with sex addiction there is a connection to the brain’s reward system (nervous and hormonal system) and the sex addict experiences, as with alcoholism and gambling addiction, both habituation, craving, loss of control and destructive behaviour. Sex addiction can, among other things, lead to sporadic adultery, chronic affairs, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, financial ruin, prostitution, coercion, violence and other problems.
Sex addiction can also be expressed in ways such as sexual anorexia, excessive use of pornography, compulsive masturbation, promiscuity, exhibitionism, voyeurism, cross dressing, indecent phone calls and sex chats, including exchange of photos over the Internet, coercive heterosexual and homosexual relationships and dangerous, anonymous and casual sex and sex in public places.
In Denmark, 41% have according to YouGov (go.tv2.dk 20130621) had sex in public. Sex addiction can harm the person, the partner and the family. Both the sex addict and the partner may therefore need help to move on. Some of the treatment starts and typically takes place together with the partner in connection with couples therapy and some of the treatment takes place individually with the sex addict.
Sex addiction is increasing and currently a disorder that affects between two and six percent of the Western population and primarily men. There are different theories. Some believe that sex addiction has its roots in upbringing and trauma or that sex addiction is a substitute for love. However, there is not much evidence in that direction.
According to the world’s leading sex addiction researcher, the American psychiatrist Martin P. Kafka, sex addiction is neither about lust nor desire, but to a greater extent about soothing negative emotions such as anger, stress, anxiety, sadness, depression or low self-esteem/confidence. Much like alcohol addiction.
Emotions such as sadness and pleasure are controlled by two different nervous systems, which counteract each other. So when we are sad we can create a free space with desire, but when the desire is satisfied and goes away, then the hangover comes – guilt, shame, sadness and new cravings. In addition to the addiction itself, it forms a vicious and self-reinforcing spiral.
Formula for adultery©
Based on the above, infidelity is often an expression of a longing that has not been expressed, heard and fulfilled. A longing that is rarely directly about sex, without sexuality being a factor that can be ignored. But in practice it is more about intimacy, closeness and recognition. In continuation of the longing that is not fulfilled, anger (disappointment) is typically a factor that is also included as a significant factor that can lead to infidelity. A pattern thus emerges, with a number of factors that often recur around adultery:
Based on evidence from my own practice at Parterapi-parterapeut.dk, I have thus developed a Formula for infidelity©, where infidelity is a combination of a deep longing (a frustrated need) and poor affect regulation/recognition/communication/problem solving/negotiation (self-regulation ) combined with exposure of a need fulfillment (opportunity) as well as low probability or concern of detection (risk).
In relation to affect regulation, infidelity is seen especially in connection with feelings of loneliness, rejection, abandonment, hopelessness, helplessness, powerlessness, desperation, anxiety, disappointment and anger. In a way, infidelity can thus also be seen as an expression of a deep longing, a cry for help, a desire to be seen and…or – discovered. Both parties thus have an influence on the factors that both lead to and prevent infidelity.
Summary of why infidelity occurs
To summarise, in my couples therapy practice I experience a great many couples with infidelity, which stems from the fact that they have failed themselves, the partner, the relationship and love. They have often lived separate lives for a long time, where they have given themselves over to e.g. house, duties, studies, work and children, while at the same time forgetting to be lovers, incl. to see and acknowledge each other. In this way, they may have lived alone in the solitude for several years. Next, there are many couples with infidelity, which result in challenges with communication, negotiation and problem solving.
From my many years of practice as a couples therapist specializing in infidelity, I also experience that the risk of infidelity is particularly high if there are also problems around directness, boundary setting, closeness, recognition, anger and anxiety – being able to dream separately and together, that being able to adjust one’s expectations, being able to say no and quickly being able to repair and move on when there are problems.
It is also confirmed by Forskningnyt fra psykologie, April 2008, as in the article “Why is one unfaithful?” mentions the factors 1. Dissatisfaction with the relationship. 2. The partner’s commitment (e.g. emotions, openness and presence). 4. Sexuality. 5. Anger.
The foundation for a relationship without infidelity is to develop and maintain secure loving bonds and a secure base for both of you. The good couple relationship is also based on ongoing maintenance, care and development of the relationship. The way to repair after infidelity is thus about understanding and handling your processes and the factors that affect the relationship – it is based on skills such as awareness, responsibility and commitment. This is also confirmed in the following video by Dr. Sue Johnson.
Q&A about adultery
Articles with practical answers about adultery
In the article series with answers about adultery, you can read more about:
- What is adultery?
- Why does adultery occur?
- What are the signs of adultery?
- What are the consequences of adultery?
- How is grief handled by e.g. infidelity?
- How to forgive adultery?
- What do the statistics say about adultery?
- What do catchphrases and quotes say about adultery?
- First aid guide for infidelity.
By Parterapi-parterapeut.dk
In every crisis and change there is a learning and an opportunity. Parterapi-parterapeut.dk in Copenhagen and online, helps worldwide clients, couples, families, teams and managers to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
At Parterapi-parterapeut.dk you meet Kasper Larsen, mba. He is from 1966 and EAP/EAGT examined psychotherapist and certified couples therapist and sexologist. Kasper has over 30 years of experience and ongoing continuing education at Master’s level under the approval of the American Psychological Association.
He specializes in infidelity and, as something special, he has over 15 years of specialist experience in online therapy by telephone and thus runs a global online business in coaching and psychotherapy. He is fluent in Danish and English as well as German, French, Norwegian and Swedish.
Kasper Larsen has been self-employed since 2002. Before that, he was a top management consultant in the largest consulting houses. As a therapist, he has, among other things, work in social psychiatry and with professional alcohol treatment. For private individuals, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk offers, among other things, psychotherapy, imagotherapy, family therapy, couples therapy, sexology, access bars body processes and alcohol treatment. Supervision, coaching and courses are also offered for businesses.
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Blog with free tools, ebooks and articles about infidelity…
What are the signs of infidelity?
How does infidelity occur and is there even a formula for infidelity?
What are the six primary causes of infidelity?
The diagnosis and anatomy of adultery
The two main and three underlying factors of infidelity?
Should I say that I have committed adultery?
What are the consequences of adultery?
How to heal the pain after infidelity?
How to move forward together with couples therapy after infidelity
Free guide to getting over infidelity
Avoid infidelity and end the old relationship before a new one
Trust, confidence, mistrust and infidelity
Relationships, finances, lies and infidelity
Emotions and ditital infidelity
Addiction and digital infidelity
Kasper Larsen, mba
Examining psychotherapist with certification in couple therapy and specialty in adultery.
Certified coach specializing in mindset, paradigm shift, quantum leaps and turnarounds.
© Kasper Larsen, 2021. All rights reserved.