- Falling in love
- The chemistry of the brain
- Disillusionment
- The hangover of love
- Love addiction
- Personal development and development of the relationship
Falling in love as a precursor to love
According to Søren Kierkegaard, falling in love is just a preliminary stage to love and it is only after falling in love that the actual work with the couple and oneself begins. In this article you can read about falling in love and on blog post #4 you can read more about friendship and the difference between being friends and lovers. On blog post #9, you can read more about the two other supporting factors in the relationship – passion and commitment.
After a while, the crush wears off! So what?
Many people are startled by what is left after falling in love – i.a. the friendship – and doesn’t think it’s good enough. It’s as if the ‘best’ becomes the worst enemy of the ‘good’. At the same time, a kind of hangover occurs when the infatuation has worn off. This is the time when the tires hit the asphalt. Where the parties have to face the truths, make a decision to enter the next phase, stay together and continue to work on and develop the relationship and themselves.
How long does a crush last?
Many people ask how long the love lasts. It is very individual and can vary from a few weeks to eight months and sometimes up to one or two years (Morris and Mellen). Some believe that the primary function of falling in love is procreation and that falling in love simply stops because at some point the brain can no longer endure the special chemical balance. After which it is often passion, familiarity and commitment (more on this later, on this blog) as well as sympathy, friendship (more on this later, on this blog), children and practicalities that keep the couple together.
Conditions and hormones
Falling in love can be understood as a changed state of consciousness, which i.a. characterized by a feeling of happiness. However, the happiness of a changed state of consciousness caused by, for example, falling in love, alcohol, drugs or exercise is only temporary. When the intoxicating feelings of falling in love have worn off, a hangover-like state can occur (Litvinoff). In the case of romantic love, the hangover consists partly of a drop in the hormones in the brain that give the feeling of happiness and a form of disillusionment.
When falling in love, e.g. oxytocin (and vassopressin) and endorphin (and serotonin), where oxytocin supports us in forming lasting bonds and endorphin can be equated with the body’s natural morphine. However, endorphins are stronger than morphine and, as with morphine, you can become addicted. During desire, female and male sex hormones (including androgen and estrogen) are simultaneously secreted. Neurologically, falling in love is particularly linked to the VTA area (Ventral Tegmental Area at the base of the brain) and the nucleus caudate (in the middle of the head). Both areas are important for the brain’s system of motivation, reward and drive. These areas are involved in the production of the substance dopamine, which, among other things, helps to create feelings of happiness. These factors also explain why a person in love feels driven to ‘win’ his beloved. The substance serotonin also has an important role because it regulates our mood. The higher the production of serotonin, the happier we are, roughly speaking. Or vice versa, it is believed that depression is caused by a low level of serotonin in the brain. So when falling in love fades, there is both a drop in tension in the body’s pharmacy and in the emotional register. Besides the sadness in this process, it can be experienced as a depressive state. More specifically, this is especially experienced by those who may is rejected when the infatuation ends. It is thus also not incomprehensible that some become almost addicted to falling in love and new relationships. Some also call it love addiction (Litvinoff). Either they junk the love itself and/or it can be other conditions such as perfectionism, lack of staying power, unresolved to work to make things work, attachment problems… Regardless, it is often a good idea to work on the problems, where they occur. So if they arise in the relationship, it is often a good idea to work with them in couples therapy.
The hangover of love
The hangover of falling in love, in the form of disillusionment, can be understood as an acknowledgment of the difference between dream and reality regarding the partner and the relationship. The disillusionment can be illustrated with binoculars, as a metaphor. Falling in love can feel like seeing a garden through binoculars turned upside down (wrong). What you see is an exquisite and beautiful colored whole, but the picture is too small to see all the details. If you turn the binoculars (right), all the details will be magnified and come very close. You can now clearly see that the roses have lost some of their petals, that the grass needs water and that the beds are full of weeds. The image reverses with time, but both images are distorted. It’s the same with falling in love. During love everything is rosy and afterwards the ‘imperfections’, ‘deficiencies’ and ‘mistakes’ appear. What you didn’t want to see can no longer be ignored. It is understandable, because it would have disturbed the wonderful love and all the dreams. But the small annoyances become like stones in the shoe if you do not consciously work with them.
The process after falling in love
However, withdrawals from falling in love are temporary and we recover. Since then we continue into a real and normal relationship and begin to build a deeper love and a more fundamental friendship. Only love that is rooted in reality and that is thoroughly worked out can lead to true and lasting satisfaction. For some, these processes go unaided and others seek support from a couples therapist. Some try on their own and then have to admit that it is practical to have the support of a neutral and external couples therapist in order to move up and move on. And those who are really interested in deeper development seek imago therapy.
Over time, habits and everyday life tend to take over. In those periods, it is good for some couples to have a surplus in the emotional account and good memories to lean on. For others, during difficult periods of life and relationship challenges, these memories become an escape. It is understandable that you dream back, but if you fall in love with the dream of the love that once was, you risk becoming a prisoner of hope. Because what was is passé and it will never be recreated in exactly the same way. The first time and its falling in love is unique. On the other hand, it is often possible to revitalize and reinvent the relationship. To find new values, meaning and visions together. It is also possible to rediscover the contact, the communication, the relationship, the closeness, the closeness, the intimacy, the joy… Yes, even to fall in love again. And many times you find something that is both current, meaningful, unique and sustainable.
It requires a conscious commitment and serious work to maintain and develop a relationship. Here, many are plagued by the misunderstanding that it should not be necessary to work for love and a good relationship. They think that it is something that should come naturally, but the only thing that happens by leaving the relationship to the power of habit is that it continues as usual. And if it is going down, then that will be the direction. If we stick to the metaphor of the garden, you can say that if you leave the garden alone, it will also grow. If we think, say and do as it usually occurs to us, we also get the same results we usually get. So if you want something else, you also need to do something else or in a different way. But it can be difficult to see yourself, the reality and the alternatives when you are sitting in the middle of the soup. By going to a couple’s therapist, you get both the opportunity to be mirrored, to get input on new possibilities and to get help in developing your own tools.
There are more options. You can apply for a clarifying session, an open course aimed at specific issues or a concept-based course with imago therapy, where you work deeper and wider. Read more about couple therapy here: http://www.parterapi-parterapeut.dk/
You can read more about the chemistry of love (hormones and neurology) at: http://www.videnskab.dk/krop-sundhed/kaerligheden-er-ustyrlig
And you can read more about the definition of love versus friendship at: http://www.blog.parterapi-parterapeut.dk/#post4
You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy car,
but because they sing a song only you can hear. Oscar Wilde.
Consultation in couples therapy
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk.
Or book a consultation appointment for a couple check-up, couple therapy or couple counseling on tel. 6166 1900.
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