- How do you let go?
- What is the method of letting go?
The art of letting go and letting go with couples therapy
As a psychotherapist with a specialty in couples therapy, I meet many couples who are stuck and who have difficulty moving on through couple therapy. Couples therapy is therefore not only about insight, but also training in skills such as communication, problem solving, learning, forgiveness and letting go.
It’s hard to accept and move on if we can’t forgive our partner and ourselves and if we can’t let go. The energy, the power and the key to all development and transformation lies in love. The love for ourselves and the world around us – (self) recognition and (self) acceptance. The love for the individual – compassion and gratitude. The love for the rhythm of life – letting go and letting come.
Many who chase happiness and love believe that it is about getting, having and owning. But love is about giving and doing something – for the partner. To give and to let go. Letting go of the rigid thoughts and disturbing feelings – expectation, disappointment, anger, bitterness, grudge, guilt, shame, fear, sadness, attachment, illusions, ideals… The rigid ideas about ourselves, the partner, the roles, the norms, the relationship and reality and what is right or wrong. Letting go of the desire for what we didn’t get or can’t get. Letting go of what the partner did that we didn’t want. This applies to both the small disappointments in everyday life, such as major losses, failures and violations such as rejection, infidelity and divorce.
The relationship is a long series of joys such as disappointments, support such as insults, gifts such as losses, challenges such as learning and shocks such as caresses. There is one thing that is certain when it comes to relationships and relationships, and that is that things can and will go wrong along the way. Therefore, there are three competencies that are important to challenge and train through couple therapy. The first is to be able to repair quickly – problem solving. The next is learning – human insight and self-insight. The third is being able to let go – letting go and letting come.
We cannot open up and receive if we cannot let go. For example, it is difficult to be free if we tie our energy to anxiety. To enjoy if we hold on to our guilt. To act if we are ashamed. To love and be happy if we grieve. Getting to the truth if we lie to ourselves. Gaining insight if we cling to the illusions. To gain energy if we attach our energy to our bonds.
A recipe for letting go
Letting go is a process that consists of nine steps, which are connected and reinforced along the way. Until you’ve tried it a few times, it can be a bit cumbersome and time-consuming. Some also have a recurring tendency to get stuck in or try to break free from one of the nine points in particular, which thus requires special love and attention. With time it quickly becomes easier. Since then it goes faster, while it can be experienced as if several of the nine points are merging.
Presence,
See it, Say it, Sense it, Stay with it,
Relax, Breathe, Reconnect and Reframe
1. Presence
The first step is presence – being present in the present and being aware of what is. Both in relation to your inner universe and your outside world. With your awareness, you have the opportunity to discover what you identify with and what you bond with. With your awareness, you can also reach clarity about what limits you and what you have to let go of in order to get more of what you want or less of what you just don’t want.
2. See it
When you see and realize what you are trapped in, it is like waking up from a dream or coming out of a trance. You become aware of the feeling, thought, pattern, habit, reaction, role or character trait that you have been caught up in and identified with. Facing this is the next step in your process of taking responsibility and letting go.
3. Say it
Once you realize what you have committed yourself to, you can say it out loud – to yourself as well as to your partner. It is self-insight, self-knowledge and self-acceptance. You can thus also start to call things what they really are – by putting a name and a label on them. For example, I’m angry. In this way, it also becomes clearer what you are not. For example, angry and not disappointed. Or sad and not hurt. This creates greater clarity and focus, rather than confusion or chaos. When you say it out loud, you also take ownership. And what you take ownership of comes within your sphere of influence and control.
4. Sense it
For most conditions there is a physical response. For example tension, heartbeat, breathing, blood pressure… As we become aware of it, we also become more aware of what we do to ourselves – with our thoughts, feelings and body. The next step is therefore to feel what you have just put into words – physically in your body. With that process, you also come from the head down into the body, so that you create even greater presence, awareness, insight and ownership.
5. Stay with it
Now the task consists in staying with the sensation of the tension or energy you have discovered – which you create and bind in the body. The purpose and the reward is that it is thereby dissolved. But be aware that it can be uncomfortable. Many people try to avoid feeling their body in order to avoid coming into contact with their pain, so try to see along the way if you can discover your little tricks to get away from the sensation and the exercise. Sometimes there can be several layers of sensations. When, for example, the tension has first released, you may come in touch with underlying emotional pain or anxiety. If that happens, it’s about finding compassion for yourself and staying in the exercise so that energy binding can also be released.
6. Relax
After point five, it begins to loosen, lighten and lighten. Now they are about staying with the sensation while you gradually allow yourself to stay in the process and relax more and more. It neither must nor can be forced. Nor is it about ignoring it or not caring. Rather, it is a question of being aware and awake at the same time that you let go without drifting away – so that you feel yourself more deeply and more alive. If, as before, a deeper pain or anxiety appears, it is about simultaneously being with it and accepting the pain/anxiety as well as the feeling of relaxing and letting go. When we simultaneously give space to the bodily tensions and emotional states in consciousness, they slowly dissolve.
7. Breathe
Continue with the sensation and relaxation while paying more attention to your breathing. The breath grounds you and helps you release blocked emotional energy. You will discover that the breathing at the beginning, when you are stressed, is shallow and fast, and that it becomes deeper and more relaxed as you let go. Some even visualize themselves breathing through the tension or pain in their bodies. Others try to breathe in through the nose and somewhat more slowly out through the mouth. However, it is not necessary to force the breathing. It itself finds its place as part of the process. Many feel at the same time more real, bigger and more centered as the process progresses.
8. Connect yourself
Now you direct your awareness towards the full and new experience of yourself and the world around you. You slowly start to take in external sensory impressions such as the light on the wall, the temperature in the room or the sounds in the background. When you reconnect with the outside world, it will be without the old and hindering feelings and sensations and with greater clarity, purity and balance. At the same time, it becomes possible to experience your partner and relationship in a new and fresher way. It also becomes easier to be open, curious, appreciative and respectful with your partner’s being, because you have just become the same with your own being.
9. Reformulations
Now you can see the situation that once gave rise to your problem, in a more clear, objective and balanced way, at the same time that you begin to see new and more effective ways of acting. Structure, cause and effect become clearer at the same time that you have gained new energy and a new perspective. If, for example, there has been anger in the relationship, you may now begin to be able to see the underlying sadness and anxiety at the same time that you can become more compassionate and accepting. Or, if you previously focused on the negative, you may now also begin to see the positive intention behind your partner’s communication and behaviour. With this, you are back to your presence, point one, and the ring is closed – until you again need the practice of letting go of something or other.
Other techniques for letting go
The Serenity Prayer
For some, the serenity prayer is a great help for prioritization, focus and calmness:
Give me serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to see the difference.
Visualization
Some also benefit from practical exercises that include visualization and the body:
Some close their eyes and imagine that what they want to let go of floats away like balloons in the wind or like leaves in a stream. You can also imagine it as words written in the sand on the beach, which are washed away by the waves. Others stand up with closed eyes, arms out to the sides, clenched hands and holding the thing they want to let go of while repeating the phrase ‘I let go of…’, after which they open their hands and let go. Others use breathing or relaxation exercises. Some also have a reach button. Either they imagine a button they can press and let go or it is simply enough for them to simply say ‘well’.
In couple therapy, as a couple therapist I am happy to assist you with integrating one of the above techniques or finding your own technique.
What now
You can read more about couple therapy at www.parterapi-partterapeut.dk.
Or book a consultation appointment for a couple check-up, couple therapy or couple counselling, on tel. 6166 1900.
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