The process of infidelity consists of three phases: Crisis, stabilization and development.
Below you can read more about the first phase: The crisis phase of infidelity.
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As soon as the infidelity is confessed or discovered, the deceived goes into crisis. Most people who have been unfaithful are also in crisis themselves. If the unfaithful person is not already in crisis, then the unfaithful person is affected by the reactions and process (resonance) of the deceived person at the same time as reality dawns on them.
It is therefore inevitable that both parties and the relationship will be in crisis – if the relationship was not already in crisis, burdened or stagnant. Infidelity thus consists of three crises at once – the crisis of the deceived, the crisis of the unfaithful and the crisis in the relationship.
These crisis processes can also fluctuate individually, create resonance and pull each other up and down. Further crises and retraumatization can also occur if the whole truth does not come out from the start, if it later turns out that the partner has been unfaithful several times along the way or if lies continue to be made about the infidelity along the way.
A psychological crisis such as infidelity is a state of psychological crisis where previous perceptions, experiences, skills and learned ways of reacting are not sufficient for one to understand and master the current situation.
Crises such as infidelity that are triggered by external factors are called traumatic crises. Conversely, crises that are triggered by internal events that relate to normal life are called developmental crises or life crises. Since infidelity also contains existential aspects, infidelity can also be a form of existential crisis. As well as the fact that infidelity can have aspects of an identity crisis, since infidelity often affects both our self-understanding and perception of reality.
In addition, crisis always involves loss and grief, but grief is not always a crisis (see article no. 2 – the stabilization phase). There are many other processes in adultery, such as forgiveness, reconciliation and trust. Technically speaking, it is enough to understand that adultery is a crisis that entails crisis reactions. Ranging from failure of normal problem-solving capacity, physical reactions, to collapse and disorganization of the personality. In the event of strong and/or psychotic reactions as well as genuine suicidal thoughts, do not wait to contact a doctor or psychiatric emergency room.
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk joins and works according to Johan Cullberg’s model and approach to traumatic crises. As a psychotherapist, Parterapi-parterapeut.dk also has additional training in psychotraumatology and experience from, among others, Victim counseling/ OID/ Red Cross.
Psychological crises often lead to an immediate experience of abandonment, self-rejection, feelings of unreality and chaos. The experience and the effect can vary greatly from person to person, at the same time that the phases of the crisis are rarely completely separate, but confluent and overlapping. The crisis itself, however, is roughly divided into four phases:
1. The shock phase (hours – days)
2. The reaction phase (weeks – months)
3. The processing phase (months – have years)
4. New orientation phase (half – full year)
The shock phase is typically short and lasts from hours to days. The shock phase protects us psychologically from the cruel reality of infidelity by keeping it at a distance until we can begin to take in and process impressions again.
Often man appears to be controlled on the outside, but underneath the surface all is chaos. The person may afterwards have difficulty remembering what was said and happened – therefore do not take the words at face value and do not make any important or valid agreements in the first period after the infidelity. It is therefore also best to wait approx. 48 hours to book an appointment for couples therapy for the shock phase to be saved.
In the shock phase, all sorts of unexpected reactions can occur: Anger, laughter, crying, panic, hyperactivity, apathy, speech pressure, confusion, identity dissolution, denial, calmness, composure, indifference… Most people’s behavior during the shock phase is strongly deviant. For example by screaming, tearing clothes, saying the same thing over and over or lying completely silent, motionless and paralyzed. It is important not to be frightened by the reactions, but to accommodate them and at the same time ensure safety, water, food and rest.
The next phase in the crisis itself is the reaction phase. Together with the shock phase, the two phases make up the acute crisis after the infidelity.
The reaction phase typically lasts from weeks to months, but rarely more than quarters to six months, as otherwise it may be a pathological condition.
The reaction phase begins when the person in crisis gradually begins to be able to face the reality of infidelity. At the same time as the pain of the crisis now erupts with full force, the psychological defense mechanisms are activated. They are tasked with reducing the experience of awareness of threats and dangers to the psyche, e.g. regression, denial, projection, rationalization, isolation, suppression, repression, repression…
In the reaction phase, room must therefore be made for gradual recognition and processing as well as self-protection. The reactions can be: Incipient realization, violent emotional outbursts, grief, guilt, shame, anxiety, defense, anger, hatred, childish behaviour, desperate actions, increased consumption of medicine/alcohol/tobacco etc., psychosomatic reactions, isolation…
The acute crisis phase of the infidelity is now over and the person in crisis begins again, in step with the results of the continued grief work, to turn towards processing and the future instead of being engulfed by the trauma after the infidelity.
The above symptoms and behavioral disturbances diminish little by little and old activities begin to be able to be resumed. A possible sense of responsibility/partial responsibility starts to become easier to bear – technically the infidelity itself is of course the responsibility of the unfaithful, but it may be a part of responsibility for the condition and situation beforehand or other circumstances.
The processing phase is characterized by: Recognition, beginning acceptance, active processing, clear grief, gradual adaptation to the new situation… The processing phase typically lasts half a year to a full year.
Reorientation phase is more of an end to the infidelity crisis than a phase. It typically occurs six months to a year after the infidelity.
The person in crisis now lives with the infidelity and the past as a scar that will probably always be there, without it needing to prevent life from moving on.
The sorrow and the disappointed hopes are now processed. The faltering sense of self has also been restored. All this happens on the condition that the person affected by the crisis has been able to work through the crisis.
However, the old incident (the infidelity) can still be experienced as short-term stabs in the form of psychological pain, when reminded and remembered about the infidelity. However, this and the strength often decrease over time. But there must also be room for that.
However, the person affected by the crisis will now be able to live more in the present and focus on the future. The reorientation phase is characterized by: Full recognition and acceptance, forgiveness and reconciliation, realistic attitude, grief eases, adaptation to the future, re-establishment of social life, relationships and sex life, new interests, elicitation of learning, new life experience, coping, possibility of increased quality of life…
There are also other models and crises. Since infidelity has a relational aspect, an attachment crisis can also arise, where the secure attachment in general and especially to the partner is brought into imbalance.
Just as adultery will also arouse and possibly retraumatize old attachment problems or attachment traumas. In other words, the ability, competences, security and trust in a safe, secure and loving attachment to the partner as a significant, close, vulnerable, emotional and loving person. You can read more about that in the article on phase number two – the stabilization phase.
Infidelity is absolutely devastating to credibility and trust.
The infidelity crisis entails a crisis of trust. Trust takes years to build, seconds to destroy and often an eternity to repair.
In the case of infidelity, especially in the acute crisis phase, many feelings, thoughts and questions arise. In couple therapy, part of the process around infidelity is about getting a realistic and sufficient overview of what has happened, so that mutual openness, understanding and trust are built up, as well as an experience of coherence, also called OAS/SOC (see article no. 3 – development phase).
When the mind finds its own structure again, it can relax to a greater extent. That, as well as the continued emotional regulation and mental stabilization, are some of the most important factors in the continued couple therapy work around infidelity, so that comprehensibility, manageability and meaning can be created in life and the relationship at the same time as building a bridge to a new shared future. .
Parterapi-parterapeut.dk can also help you to minimize the risk that you take turns offending yourselves and each other during the clarification and reconstruction process with, for example, repetitive questions, interrogation situations, attacks, defenses and unnecessary or inappropriate details.
It is about the essentials coming out without the problem being maintained or reinforced by the fact that you alternately act as violator, victim and helper (Karpman’s Drama Triangle).
The problem with information is that more wants more. The more you say and hear, the more complex it becomes. Moreover, with complexity comes the risk of contradiction, which can fuel further questions and answers … defenses.
Many couples seek couple therapy in case of infidelity, in order to balance these unconscious psychological games and communication while at the same time getting help to get the truth out and map out the situation so that they can move on after the infidelity.
There can be no clear answer about how much to talk about the infidelity at home, it is something that must be agreed together.
As a rule of thumb, however, it is about ‘how little to how much’. In other words, how little information about the real incidents regarding the infidelity you can content yourself with exchanging.
Sort the questions and answers by distinguishing between the principles of:
Nice to know (unnecessary and inappropriate curiosity)
Need to know (necessary and appropriate information)
Not to know (things you will be without and definitely regret having heard)
As a starting point, the focus must be on clarification, overview and ascertainment.
The goal is to re-establish reality, openness and trust.
Beware of making too much of an effort to understand infidelity. Cheating doesn’t make sense, so don’t try to find meaning in something that doesn’t make sense.
Examples of need to know are, for example, questions about the real meaning of incidents, pregnancy, venereal diseases (sexually transmitted diseases / STD & STI) and financial consequences of the adultery and the lies.
It is important to map out which fundamental things are lying around, so that the mental compass can be calibrated, the map of reality can be re-established and trust can be rebuilt.
Examples of not to know are the details from the bedroom (those images are often both unnecessary, difficult to erase from the memory and harmful to the future sex life) and questions about comparisons (it rarely leads to anything beneficial, but just further uncertainty, doubts, questions, defense and low self-esteem).
Part of the shock and change process consists of acknowledging, making room for, accommodating and accepting ‘what is’ and that ‘it is as it is’ (Beisser, Paradox of Change).
The idea is, among other things, that you cannot learn from, change or let go of something you do not want to acknowledge and accept. If one of the parties (especially the deceived one) does not feel heard, seen and taken seriously, it will be like a thirst that is never quenched and a negative spiral that continues endlessly.
It’s about you ventilating your feelings, thoughts and questions through the process and clearing the table, so that you move on without unsaid things, bitterness and grudges that can otherwise fill and prevent you from living your new life.
The most important thing is that the unfaithful person shows an understanding of the signals that the infidelity has sent, the emotional reactions of the deceived person to the infidelity, and that the unfaithful person expresses regret and remorse. Couple therapy for infidelity is also an opportunity to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.
The crisis of infidelity paradoxically requires a focus on the process, rather than the goal. So the end goal.
If both of you or one of you is just struggling to get over the infidelity and move on after the infidelity, it can have the exact opposite effect.
Processes around infidelity are about recognition and processing. Processing infidelity is a process where it is more important to focus on the reactions and the dialogue instead of the solution and the end goal. Or simply to move on.
It is important that the process is given space and that the unworked is worked on, without it being forced and rushed or jumping too quickly to conclusions and solutions, so that missteps, backtracking and relapse later occur – new infidelity.
Furthermore, if there is too much focus on the goal, the process and focus of the dialogue tend to lock up.
Along the way, it is important not to provoke inappropriate patterns of humiliation, shame, guilt and self-deprecation. Forgiveness is, however, as (see article no. 2 – the stabilization phase), an important part of the process that precisely helps the parties to move on.
Couples with clip cards for couple therapy in case of infidelity, are also offered free tests, tools, articles and eBooks.
These are all supplementary dialogue tools. As a starting point, the couple has plenty to talk about and work with, and the couples therapist already has a lot of experience and a toolbox. You thus and automatically get what is relevant about the infidelity, when you are ready and it is relevant.
In order to maintain your changes, it is important to make visible and anchor the results of the process and to prevent new crises and infidelity through dialogue and action. Therefore, it is also good to invest in a notebook for notes about the process, work points, decisions, agreements, goals, questions, results, etc.